When my son, Parker, was stillborn, God in his mercy helped me glimpse the all-out spiritual war that would ensue in the next season of grieving the loss of my son while waiting to have more children. I didn’t know exactly what it would look like, but I knew it was going to be real and exhausting. And it is. I knew that only with the help and mercy of the Lord would I survive.

The Lord has closed my womb. He opened it. He filled it. He emptied it. And then he closed it. The Lord has kept me from having children. He enabled me to conceive a son two years ago. Then he took my son to be with him 10 months later. And since then, he has kept me from having children.

This reality, rather than disturbing me, actually comforts me.

When my son, Parker, was stillborn, God in his mercy helped me glimpse the all-out spiritual war that would ensue in the next season of grieving the loss of my son while waiting to have more children. I didn’t know exactly what it would look like, but I knew it was going to be real and exhausting.

And it is. I knew that only with the help and mercy of the Lord would I survive.

And he has kept me alive! I have endured the lying assaults of my enemy daily: God took your son because you didn’t deserve him. . . . You weren’t qualified to be a mother and you still aren’t, so God hasn’t given you more children. . . . God is a liar, he can’t be trusted, he shouldn’t be praised, and he doesn’t care about your desire to have children. He’s withholding them from you because he isn’t good. He doesn’t really love you. And every other imaginable lie about my identity and God’s character.

My sister in Scripture, Hannah, knew this warfare too. The biblical account of her story in 1 Samuel 1-2 explicitly reveals, “The LORD had closed her womb.” It also says that “her rival used to provoke her grievously to irritate her, because the LORD had closed her womb.” Hannah’s rival was her husband’s second wife who “had children.” And the yearly taunting filled Hannah with bitter anguish and discouragement. I know this taunting and the resulting anguish and discouragement all too well. And just like Hannah, I have poured out my grieving heart to the Lord.

Time and again I have cried to the Lord to deliver me from my foe. Lord, shut the mouth of my enemy! I’ve had my fill of contempt! I’ve pleaded with God for more children, if it is his will, and I’ve pleaded for strength and grace to endure the warfare in the waiting.

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