Sadly, use of pornography is extremely widespread, even among Christian men. Do 100 percent of men regularly view pornography? No, but both secular and Christian surveys regularly indicate that the vast majority (over 70 percent) of men age 18-24 view it regularly (at least weekly) – and those are just the guys who are willing to admit it.

DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I am tired of being frustrated, confused and lied to about men, pornography and lust. I am a college-aged girl dealing with the frustrations of dating. My first college boyfriend made me aware of the problems men have with pornography, masturbation and lust. He shared with me his struggles and asked for my help in keeping him accountable. This all crashed and burned a year later when our relationship ended, and I discovered I had been lied to all along about his “progress.”

Several years have passed, and I am currently being pursued by a wonderful and godly man; however, last night he opened up and shared with me his own struggles with pornography.

I am tired of being lied to, not knowing what to believe and what not to believe, how to forgive, and what to be OK with. I feel that this is such a taboo subject in the church that Christian girls such as myself are left confused and frustrated. I would love to get advice from a solid source for once.

I have been told that all men struggle with this. I have also been told that it is nearly impossible to overcome. Are there Christian men out there who are able to deal with their lust and don’t give in to porn and masturbation frequently? Should I continue to let a man who does have these struggles pursue me, or should they be waiting until they have overcome their issues before they pursue any woman?

I feel very naive about the topic, and honestly as a woman, have a hard time relating and understanding how to handle these situations.

REPLY

You raise a lot of good issues in your question. I want to get to the specific questions you’ve asked, so I won’t take a lot of space to go over the horrible problems caused by the use of pornography (most of us would agree on them anyway), but just so I’ve said it: Pornography is a destroyer of lives. Its use is always sin, and there is no legitimate place for any use of it in the life of a follower of Christ.

As you say, honest conversation with single women on this topic is in short supply, so let me try to offer straight answers on a few of the issues you raised.

Do all men struggle with pornography? Sadly, use of pornography is extremely widespread, even among Christian men. Do 100 percent of men regularly view pornography? No, but both secular and Christian surveys regularly indicate that the vast majority (over 70 percent) of men age 18-24 view it regularly (at least weekly) – and those are just the guys who are willing to admit it. Pornography use even among women has increased markedly in the last several years. In the two churches in which I have served in leadership in the last 10 years, we eventually had to make it a systematic practice to have pointed conversations with men we were considering for deacon or elder positions to make sure that they were not viewing pornography.

Having said all that, I personally know a number of brothers who have never viewed pornography regularly and some who have never viewed it at all. Still, as a practical and statistical matter, a single Christian woman looking to marry may well have to contend with a current or past struggle with pornography in the man she considers marrying.

Is an addiction to pornography impossible (or nearly impossible) to overcome? No. Like most sins – especially those that grow to operate like an addiction – abandoning the use of pornography can be very difficult to overcome, but no sin is impossible to overcome with God. God’s Word tells us in 1 Corinthians 10:13 that “no temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” We will never be perfect in this life, but if we have the Holy Spirit in us, the Bible tells us we can fight any sin and have real victory with God’s help.

There is a list of resources at the end of the article that will help in the battle to understand and fight pornography.

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