A defining moment — that “first link on a memorable day” — can set the direction of a marriage for years to come. How newlyweds respond to these moments determines whether they stumble along separately or move forward together. Young couples, mark these four moments as divine opportunities, and allow the good news of the Father’s love for you to be what defines the future of your marriage.

In Charles Dickens’s classic Great Expectations, Pip meets the cruel and contemptuous Estella, who tortures him throughout the novel with unrequited love. But Pip doesn’t really love Estella. He loves what she represents — a stratum of society to which Pip hungers to belong. Pip is blinded by his swollen expectations, and only later comprehends the true cost as he remembers the day he met Estella:

That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day. (75)

“The formation of the first link on one memorable day” — reading those words made me think about how decisions regarding marriage and within marriage can become defining moments for marriage. God sprinkles the newlywed years with these moments — experiences, events, or decisions that determine (and sometimes alter) a young couple’s direction.

1. The Moment Marriage Reveals Your Heart

Kimm and I had only been married for a few months when she said something that pushed one of my many buttons. I remember this overwhelming feeling that if I didn’t speak immediately, the earth might tilt off its axis. So, I deftly informed Kimm that she was making me angry, making me sin.

From my perspective, this made perfect sense. After all, before marriage I’d been quite the specimen of Christianity. But now that I was married, sin was spilling out all over. My plans for earthly perfection were under serious threat. But God’s plans for my transformation were well underway. A defining moment was before me.

In reality, I don’t have buttons Kimm can push that make me sin. Conflict typically unearths what’s already buried in our hearts. It exposes the selfish things we love more than our spouse — actually, more than Jesus. Christ’s own words clarify the problem: “What comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person” (Matthew 15:18).

God often uses marriage to draw out our remaining sin, and that’s good. When our sin bubbles to the surface, we begin to see the hopelessness of trusting in ourselves. God uses that revelation to form humility and dependence in us. When marriage reveals our hearts, we learn that we’re not really triumphant warriors who conquer sin in every battle, but weak and desperate sinners who continually need his grace (1 John 3:20).

2. The Moment You Abandon the Moral High Ground

Typically, when I sit down at a restaurant, I already know what I want to order. I made the decision about one minute after we decided to eat out. For Kimm, ordering is an art, and the menu is a palette of colors — just a jumping-off point from which she can design her own creation.

When we were first married, I believed that my decisiveness was morally better. I assumed Kimm’s apparent indecision — the way she uses menus as a means of creative expression — was a weakness. Sure, my decisiveness could be a strength, but that didn’t justify my self-righteousness or moral superiority. Strengths become weaknesses when they make us smug.

Remember Jesus’s parable of the two sons in Luke 15. The younger son asked for his inheritance early. He split town and then blew his dad’s money on parties and prostitutes. Eventually, the young man repented and returned home, and his father forgave him. In the throes of joy, his dad threw a huge party.

Most people think that the parable is about the prodigal, but really it’s aimed more at the older brother. This dutiful rule-keeper was incredulous over the party and angry at his father (Luke 15:29). The older brother felt morally superior to the younger one. And as Jesus tried to show his listeners, that was the more significant sin.

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