Christianity bears the brunt of modern criticism. It was oppressive to me—too limiting and too judgmental. I strived to resist it at all costs, believing “Bible thumpers” the most viciously opposed to my identity as Andrea, even more so than the strangers shouting mean comments in the streets. But then I was transformed. 

“It’s done.”

The nurse’s first words that greeted me when I awoke from my surgery were met with welcome grogginess. A new chapter of my life was beginning in a hospital bed. After years of psychological therapy, hormone treatments, and legal paperwork, I felt the new me finally come of age.

It felt so good that I wanted to educate the world about the transgender experience and encourage others to complete their journeys.

I knew the world would support me—my parents and others in my life had been singing out in support of my plan since I came out in 2015, at 33, and explained my experiences with gender dysphoria. (“Gender dysphoria” describes experiences of gender identity in which a person’s psychological and emotional sense of themselves as female, for instance, does not match or align with their birth sex as male, or vice versa.)

In my note to my folks, I explained that I felt strongly I was doing something that would enhance my life and bring endless joy. I said I wanted to become an activist to support other people hoping to experience similar transitions.

To that end, I studied alternative identities to better support the community. I had plans to work with people individually to share my story of triumph. I wanted to encourage them to abandon the false identities they were assigned at birth and find the peace and fulfillment that comes from transitioning gender. I assumed I’d be working with adults who’d long suffered the pangs of dysphoria.

I did support a few adults. But when I was asked to discuss transgender issues with teenagers, I was dismayed. They seemed too young and inexperienced to be making the choices I did about hormones and surgeries. For the first time, I questioned trans philosophy.

Not only that, but transitioning was painful—emotionally and physically—despite the sense of completion resulting from discarding my Jonathan identity to become Andrea. In every honest moment, I felt disappointment.

Trying to Be Physically and Spiritually Female

My disappointment primarily stemmed from unmet expectations. I was hoping to become a woman. But there were distinctions between the experiences of a woman and my experiences. I still bemoaned my male characteristics that were impossible to hide or “overcome.”

Before I fully realized and accepted that, I was excited to keep up all appearances of my preferred gender because I believed I truly was going to experience a new reality. I had an official name change, an “F” marker on my driver’s license, and physical characteristics that might have been identifiable as female, even if my transition wasn’t perfect.

My desire to bridge the divide between myself as a “trans” woman (born male) and a “cis” woman (born female) led to religious experiments. At first, I rejected God. I believed there was no supernatural world; it was all up to me to resolve my sadness and awkwardness because there was no transforming power in the universe to help me. I was adamant there was no God.

Eventually, I made friends from a variety of social and spiritual backgrounds. Through conversations with them, and the different spiritual experiences they introduced me to, I revised my view on spiritual matters.

Because of my lingering dissatisfaction with my body, I turned to Eastern solutions to find comfort in the possibility of reincarnation into the personality I always imagined for myself. I tried meditating, but all I could do was think about myself. I wanted transformation. I felt like that was the ultimate purpose of my experience as a budding mystic.

Later, I changed my focus from the Far East to the Near East and the West, exploring multiple more familiar religions. Even though I didn’t fully understand all of the spiritual disciplines, I still believed I could harness them to achieve my ultimate objective of true womanhood.

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