“If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Jesus didn’t heed that advice from Thumper Rabbit’s mother. Apparently neither Mary nor Joseph turned up the oil lamp to read Disney’s version of Bambi to him.

Rather, reading the gospels we often hear Jesus’ strong denunciations of people and practices that perpetuate injustice. Sometimes, Jesus’ words were not “nice.” For example, in Revelation 3 a passionate Christ tells the Laodicean church, “Because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth” Not nice, but needed!

God’s Word is clear: we are to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). Yet despite Paul’s directive, our speech is often neither loving nor truthful.

How we express our differences is crucial.

Jesus’ brother James didn’t hear Mom Thumper’s admonition, but he does warn us, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (1:19).And James drives that home with a promise:“. . . not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do” (v. 25). He suggests we keep a “tight rein”on our tongues. If we don’t, we deceive ourselves and our religion is worthless (v. 26).

If James were writing today, I imagine he’d also suggest “a tight rein” on emails and YouTube videos that go viral because of our innate desire for the latest exposé.

Missionary Grace Tazelaar wrote in a letter to a supporting church 20 years ago, “It is my hope that technology enhances communication and promotes understanding, rather than becoming a barrier to them.” Reading her words, I wonder about recent Internet exchanges, voices drawing grandiose conclusions based on miniscule information.

We also need to heed another of Paul’s commands to the Ephesians: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs”(Eph. 4:29).God’s Word needs application to more than just our mouths.

God didn’t make a mistake when he made us with passionate emotions and feelings. Nor did God make a mistake when he made us capable of sophisticated means of communicating. God wants words to encourage and comfort, as well as to challenge.

Our intent in any communication must be to build up and benefit others, especially members of God’s family. But being family is no excuse for saying whatever we want. Being family means compassionate communication with a genuine Christ-like concern for each other.

So when will I learn to listen before speaking out? What will it take for each of us to do so?

What the Church Can Learn from Marriage
When I meet with couples about to engage in the adventure of marriage, we take one whole hour to reflect on “Fighting Fair to Clear the Air.” We discuss 12 strongly-worded directives that would have Thumper’s huge ears flopping to avoid saying what’s not “nice.”

I’ve handed these Guidelines for Successful Marital Disagreements to already-married couples too, and I think several are particularly applicable for disagreement within the family of God called the Christian Reformed Church.

Read More of the Commentary [Editor’s note: the original URL (link) referenced in this article is no longer valid, so the link has been removed.]

Guidelines for Successful (Marital) Disagreements

1. Express your opinions, desires, and concerns as calmly and clearly as possible. Be willing to listen actively as well as talk. Share your feelings as well as your thinking.

2. Appreciate the other person’s viewpoint, even if it doesn’t make sense to you at the time. Appreciate feelings, whether they seem rational or not.

3. Remember that timing is essential. Don’t start something when you have to leave shortly or when you’re on your way to church or bed or elsewhere.

4. No name calling! It hurts and assassinates character.

5. Don’t zero in on vulnerable areas. We all have an Achilles heel.

6. Forget old scores and arguments. Stick to the present disagreement. Avoid collusion with references to “my father” or “my brother-in- law” as well as generalizations such as “You always.”

7. Don’t withdraw. Silence ends effective communication. No doghouses!

8. Give up accusations, vulgarity, verbal abuse, or shouting down. Threats of separation, divorce, “going home to Mom,” or suicide are blackmail. Noise is no substitute for communication.

9. Avoid playing analyst or shrink with your spouse, whatever your education.

10. Do not engage in physical violence. Adults talk things through, while children act out.

11. Remember that tears can be a form of psychological intimidation based on previous success. Understand what tears mean in your relationship.

12. Know when to call a truce. If emotions run out of control—STOP! Take time to cool down and reflect. Get back to it later. (Normally it’s best to finish your fight and move on. Dragging it out and out is sinful!)

(Editor’s Note: I used a list similar to this in counseling, but I added one important issue. Always ‘fight’ on neutral turf. Find a room in the house that was no ones space. Indivdiauls tend to identify and/or great use one or two rooms. Don’t fight there. Newlyweds should pick that space early in marriage and keep it neutral. DKC)