Jesus contrasted his way with the way of the Pharisees, who “crush people with unbearable religious demands and never lift a finger to ease the burden” (Matthew 23:4). Jesus’ ethical creed, by contrast, is a statement that flows out of empathy and non-controlling service. All that law, that the Pharisees enforced with power and might, Jesus summed up like this: “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind…Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:37-39).

Glass shards scatter as he wrenches the kitchen cabinet from the wall and throws it across the room. Then he lurches across the floor and yanks on the refrigerator, toppling it. She tries to disappear into the corner, covering her head with her arms. This scene of baseball bats and blood in the dark is from the 1997 movie The Rainmaker, and this is what I thought domestic abuse looked like.

The relationship between Cliff and Kelly Riker in this film is what many people think abuse looks like: his hands around her neck, her face and arms bandaged in a hospital bed. And it’s true that abuse does sometimes take this form. But other times, with affects just as devastating for the victims, abusers use financial, sexual, verbal, and emotional methods of abuse without ever leaving a physical scratch.

Any form of abuse is contrary to the ethics of Jesus. The heart of abuse—power and control—is antithetical to the heart of Jesus, which is self-giving service.

[SMcK: I sketch the big themes in the ethics of Jesus in One.Life.]

What is abuse?

Sometimes women are being abused and don’t realize it, because their male partners are not ripping down cabinets and leaving bruises. It’s important to understand what abuse is: “A pattern of coercive control that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation and isolation, the abuser keeps his target subordinated and under his control. This pattern can be emotional, verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, financial, social and physical.” Abusers believe they are “justified in using evil tactics to obtain and maintain that power and control.” (From the website A Cry for Justice, which addresses domestic violence and the church.)

The majority of victims of domestic violence are women, so I am addressing that dynamic in this article, but you can change the pronouns and the principles still apply. Women can also be abusers, and men can be victims.

I have had many conversations with women who say they are having difficult times in their relationships. As they go into detail, they describe abusive actions their partners are taking:

“He yelled at me until I was sobbing.”

“He threw my cell phone against the wall and shattered it.”

“He said my sin in being a terrible wife kept him from being a deacon.”

But then they excuse this all away:

“He is dealing with a lot of stress, and unfortunately, he takes it out on me.”

“He has to be authoritarian at work, and he just brings that home with him.”

“If I hadn’t nagged him, he wouldn’t have exploded at me.”

They think being abused is normal.

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