Sexual abuse of a parishioner requires both deception and an abuse of power. The deception must first be of the self and then of the victim and finally the community. Sexual abuse cannot exist without these components. Deception is clearly involved in the pastor’s relationship with the victim but first and foremost, the pastor is self-deceived. Deception of others is inevitably preceded by deception of the self.

We as human beings have a seemingly unlimited capacity to hide truths that are painful to us. We have an uncanny ability to suppress knowing what we know. We do so by, at least initially, twisting the truth just a shade. The most powerful lie of all is the lie which contains a likeness to the truth in some way. As a result self-deception can be the root of terrible evil. As Dr. Tim Keller said in a sermon on Saul, “self-deception is not the worst thing that you can do but it is the means by which we do the most terrible things”.

Deception works on us little by little. We would not be deceived otherwise! Almost every pastor or Christian leader I have worked with who has destroyed his ministry by immorality or an addiction of some kind has sat in my office with his head in his hands and said, “I have no idea how I got here”.

A burdened, anxious pastor can easily deceive himself as he looks for something human for heart/soul sustenance to the extent that eventually he does not recognize what he is doing. He puts his trust in human things – affirmation, approval, love – or in a job, an achievement, a ministry success – and when those are not forthcoming, he easily transfers his attachment to things that are overtly illicit, such as a woman or pornography and makes those things the place under which he shelters himself.

Of course, his expectation of fulfillment is continually frustrated for such things never satisfy the soul; he has planted himself in a desert. And, having given him self over to something or someone, he becomes the slave of the one he has chosen to obey (Romans 6:16). The result is a powerful attachment (meaning in its original French – “nailed to”). That simply means that one’s desire has been nailed to something resulting in enslavement to that thing. It means to be devoted habitually to something; as Peter says “by what a man is overcome, by this he is enslaved”.

Deception then goes another step because the abuser, having deceived him self, now uses deception to pull in and eventually control his victims. When you study the concept of “grooming” as used by sexual predators– you see the ways in which an abuser seduces a victim and that deception is the foundation, first of the self; then of the other.

The buying of gifts for the victim, the victim’s feelings of being special, taking the victim to special places, or the use of words that hide something’s true nature (“I’m just loving you,” “You are special to me”, etc), all are deceptive – first of the perpetrator as he convinces himself that what he is doing is good, and then of the victim as he works to convince her of the same. Deception is urged or forced on the victim – “Don’t tell anyone; this is our secret. Bad things will happen to the church if you tell. No one else has loved me the way you do. No one will believe you; I know how to present things so no one will believe you”. These are classic statements used by pastors who engage in sexual behavior with parishioners.

There are also the more subtle deceptions heard not only by the victim but by the wider circle when the abuse is exposed: “I never had intercourse with her i.e. it was not really sex or I was really working hard to honor her”; or, “It would be so hard on the church to expose this. We really need to consider impact (ignoring of course their failure to do so)”. The web of deception surrounding abuse continues to grow.

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