Building a family-friendly culture, in general, must start in the household of God. Churches are to be the soil in which young men and women learn the sacrifice required to be good husbands and wives, fathers and mothers. And if this family friendly culture is to have any stability…then there must be revival in our churches.

Timothy P. Carney. Family Unfriendly: A Critical Examination of Overparenting and Its Consequences. New York, NY: Harper, 2024.

I’ll get straight to the point. If you’re a pastor, you should read Family Unfriendly: How Our Culture Makes Raising Kids Much Harder Than It Needs to Be. Actually, if you’re not a pastor, you should still read this book. Everyone should read this book. In fact, in the time it took me to read this book, both my wife and sister-in-law started—and finished—Family Unfriendly on my recommendation and repeatedly told me to hurry up and finish so that I could write this review.

Timothy P. Carney, a senior fellow at the American Enterprise Institute, unfolds the story of how American culture has become increasingly hostile to kids and families. Across 14 chapters, Carney works a posteriori from the small, seemingly mundane (have lower ambitions for your kids) to the much greater, civilizational impact of our fertility crisis (many humans believe we are evil). In the final analysis, Carney pinpoints things that parents often feel, but have a difficult time articulating. For instance, why do parents feel the anxiety to get their kids in sports camps at such a young age when the likelihood of them making it pro is miniscule? Or why is it that, even though dads are much more involved today than in previous generations, it feels like both parents work more now than they did in previous generations?

Grasping at these things feels like tilting at “vibes,” when in reality the state of play for families today versus previous generations is notably more difficult in some ways, even though technology and innovation has made other parts much easier. It’s why it can be amazing on the one hand to have highly technical baby monitors previous generations would marvel at, and it feels easier to find a dog park that serves boutique cocktails than a restaurant that can feed a family of six without taking out a payday loan.

For Carney, a family unfriendly culture is not one part of the culture, but touches on every aspect: parenting is harder than it used to be, and virtually every institution in modern life—from the unreal expectations of travel sports to the effect of modern technology on family formation—militates against the family. As I like to say to my friends who have numerous kids like us, it’s hard out here.

The book is occasionally humorous about the realities of family life, and Carney’s writing style is inviting. Additionally, he sprinkles in wonky social science research to help make some very interesting points that seem counter-intuitive (parenting more kids is actually easier than fewer kids); while many of us can see other such social-science findings with our own eyes (tech has made building relationships miserable for Gen Z). For these, and many other interesting facts, I encourage the reader to Carney’s book itself. There’s not enough space in this review to chronicle all of his excellent research.

Building a Family Friendly Culture

Instead, for the sake of this review, I’d like to consider some ways that Carney’s book should encourage pastors and church members to build a family friendly church culture.

I am a father of four and a pastor of a church that has 171 members—with more than 100 children under the age of eighteen. Since our founding less than three years ago, we’ve had more than thirty pregnancies. The meal trains and wedding showers—and then baby showers—are endless. After church on Sundays, kids run to-and-fro, inside and out, as one kid might bring a football and an impromptu football game begins; while a separate pack of girls explores the grounds where our church meets. There are kids everywhere. We are a fertile people. But not only are we a fertile people—we are a joyful people.

While policy wonks can argue about the best means to promote a family friendly American culture, pastors and their members should aim to cultivate a family friendly church culture. I think this means at least three things: formation, instruction, and example.

Formation

A family friendly church culture will seek to form its people through its life together. This includes the preaching of the gospel that addresses parents and children (Eph 6), and the responsibilities of members to help care for those children under their care. In this sense, I have a responsibility not only to my own kids, but to the kids of Jared and Sam, and Blake and Jen, and Ben and Anna, and Trey and Hayley. Forming a family friendly church culture will mean understanding the bonds of love that are shared between members.

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