If you are aware of a conflict in a church, someone else’s or your own, it is imperative that you follow biblical guidelines and principles as these. If all church members did so, the peace and purity of the church will be maintained despite the conflicts that will inevitably come.

We’ve all had it happen. A conflict occurs in the church. Social media posts proliferate. Calls are made. Small groups form to discuss opinions and share information. Usually the discussion begins with “I’ve always wondered about him/her….” or “I remember when he/she…” and the witch hunt commences. We search our memories for patterns that ‘should have’ revealed the problem earlier. “How did we miss that?”

Many insist on full disclosure so that ‘the people’ can decide for themselves. Elders are pummeled with questions and calls are made for ‘transparency’ while cynics generate conspiracy theories.

And you wonder what to do. You were a happy church member and suddenly, this storm shows up on your radar. Maybe you feel the gravitational pull to weigh in and give your thoughts. Or you feel helpless as you watch former ‘godly brothers and sisters’ descend into angry mobs launching insults and innuendos at each other. Truth is parsed, gerrymandered, and even twisted to score points to win others to one side or the other.

And the church of Christ is once again disgraced. The name of Christ is mocked as Christians shun the Scripture and Scriptural principles to opt for fleshly weapons that leave permanent scars, confirm the conviction that the church is no different than the world, and destroy once warm and mutually encouraging relationships, leaving bodies in their wake.

Add the instant access and far-reaching arm of the internet and now everyone can weigh in – even those overseas thousands of miles away.

Weak Christians are hardened and put up walls to make sure that this won’t happen to them. People leave the church frustrated. And the enemy laughs. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

It is inevitable that conflict will come; we live in a fallen world and even Christians have remaining sin that will erupt from time to time requiring the application of the balm of the gospel to damaged relationships.

The Scriptures teach us how we are to address conflicts. The Bible is filled with examples, both good and bad. The Bible provides principles and commands, that instruct us on how we are to address conflict in the church (and outside as well). And if Christians rightly apply these principles God will bless them, their church, and the reputation of Christ.

So, what do you do when a conflict erupts and people around you are voicing their opinions with vitriol and conviction, and saying things that are not based on fact, but assumptions and even errors?

Below are some of the biblical principles that can help. These alone, if applied, will prove to be governors of fleshly responses that allow for the proper biblical authorities (ordained officers) to address the conflict in a way that pleases Christ, that affirms the gospel, and that lead to forgiveness and mutual reconciliation. [1]

1. Consider Whether This is Your Conflict or Not

Proverbs 26:17: “He who passes by and meddles in a quarrel not his own Is like one who takes a dog by the ears.”

Too often people believe that it is important to opine publicly about a conflict. They act as if their participation is necessary or warranted. But very often the conflict is not something that they are directly involved in, nor do they have any responsibility to resolve it.

To biblically resolve conflict requires time, effort, and conversations with both sides. In fact, in my experience, difficult conflicts typically take multiple hours or even days to address. And so, if you are not directly involved as one of the parties in conflict, or in a formal, recognized mediatorial role, it is best to remain out of the conflict as much as possible. Do not propose or post your opinions; do not enter conversations about the conflict or disguise your opinions as prayer requests.

Beware of social media. It is a mixed bag of opinions, assumed motives, theological speculation, and misguided counsel. You will be tempted to respond to posts, but when you do your answer will remain forever on the internet, something you may come to regret.

If you need to talk to someone about the conflict, talk to your elder. Insist on face to face conversations (best) or phone call (next to best). Do not use email as it reduces communication by eliminating voice tone and facial expression (which are arguably much more important than even the verbal content). Miscommunication runs rampant in times of conflict (“I never said that” “That’s not what I meant”) and so extra caution is critical.

Do not take sides if you are not called to be part of the solution. You are to look to Christ and pray rather than gather data so that you can opine on it. Remember:

Proverbs 26:20: “Where there is no wood, the fire goes out; and where there is no talebearer, strife ceases.”

Leviticus 19:16: “You shall not go about as a talebearer among your people; nor shall you take a stand against the life of your neighbor: I am the LORD.”

2. Understand that Partial Knowledge is a Trap

Proverbs 18:2: “A fool has no delight in understanding, But in expressing his own heart.”
Proverbs 18:13: “He who answers a matter before he hears it, It is folly and shame to him.”
Proverbs 18:17: “The first one to plead his cause seems right, Until his neighbor comes and examines him.”

In EVERY case I have mediated, I found that if one hears only one side of the story, he has not heard the whole story. Some say that one side represents a third, the other side, another third, and the final third can only be discovered through lengthy and guided conversations.

It is critical to keep this in mind. Whether you hear from only one party in the conflict, or from someone who has not heard from both sides, you are not hearing the full story and you’re a fool to give your opinion in either situation.[2] In fact, parties on the outside of the conflict most often make matters worse. You are much better off calling people to pray, encouraging them to trust the Lord, and being a peacemaker.  Recall:

Proverbs 6:16, 19: “These six things the LORD hates, Yes, seven are an abomination to Him:  …A false witness who speaks lies, and one who sows discord among brethren.”

Many people who want to weigh in believe they have a right to all the information. They believe it is their right to make all the inquiries and they assume the role of a mediator or worse, a judge. This is both misguided and dangerous. And if such a one comes to you to gather data for their personal tribunal, do not participate in their folly.

Remember that people will continue to push for your opinion even when you do not have all the information. Do not give into it. Tell them, “It would be wrong to give my thoughts on this as I am not a party to the conflict, nor do I have all the information. And it is likely I will never have all the information I need to give an informed opinion. My role right now is to pray and encourage others to do so as well.”

3. Look at the Big Picture

Romans 8:28-29: “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren then live according to that truth.”

Though this verse is typically applied to individual believers, it could also be applied to an entire church. And if you believe it to be true, then you will not fall into despair or discouragement, but rather see it as an opportunity for God to conform his people to the image of His Son.

In his book, Peacemaker, Ken Sande notes that conflicts provide opportunities – to glorify God, to serve others, and to become more like Christ. Ask yourself, “Am I focused on anything other than these?” Do you see the conflict as God’s means to an end, an opportunity? Or are you fretting away as if God is not actively transforming His bride as He promised?

Remember that God is at work. He is working all things together according to the counsel of His will. There are many reasons that God allows conflict in the church. In some cases, it may be used to reveal the mature believers in Christ as well as to expose those who are immature or perhaps even unbelieving (1 Corinthians 11:19: “For there must also be factions among you, that those who are approved may be recognized among you”).

The question is, what role do you play? Will you be the adult in the room when everyone else is vomiting out their fleshly, immature, opinions? Or will you jump in with them?

As you continue to deal with the conflict, remember what God is doing. Conflict is a great opportunity to do this if processed biblically.

A friend of mine used to say, “Take off your Jr. God badge and let God do what He needs to do.” You do not have to control all the information; you do not have to control others’ reactions. Your role is to function as a mature believer who understands that God providentially works all these conflicts to an end He has in mind; and it is always a good end.

4. Choose Your Words Wisely

Ephesians 4:29: “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.”

Proverbs 25:11: “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”

Ephesians 4:13-15:”…till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ; that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head, Christ.”

It can be incredibly hard to keep quiet when you hear false accusations or lies and sometimes a correction is necessary, but this requires wisdom. Remember:

Proverbs 17:28: “Even a fool is counted wise when he holds his peace; when he shuts his lips, he is considered perceptive.”

5. Always Direct Yourself and Others to Their Own Log Rather Than Another’s Splinter

Matthew 7:2-5: “For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye?⁵ Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Always, look at the log in your eye first. Hopefully, that will keep you occupied long enough to keep from meddling in the affairs of others. Use the opportunity to examine yourself (2 Corinthians 13:5: “Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Do you not know yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you? — unless indeed you are disqualified.”) Are you susceptible to the same sins as those in the conflict? Will you respond like they did when charged with wrongdoing?

Note Jesus’ words in Luke 13:2-5: In this narrative Jesus reminds people that a preoccupation with the sin of others distracts from the reality of our own sin. “And Jesus answered and said to them, do you suppose that these Galileans were worse sinners than all other Galileans, because they suffered such things? I tell you, no; but unless you repent you will all likewise perish. Or those eighteen on whom the tower in Siloam fell and killed them, do you think that they were worse sinners than all other men who dwelt in Jerusalem? I tell you, no; but unless you repent you will all likewise perish.”

Ask yourself if your ‘contributions’ are helping or hurting (and don’t deceive yourself when doing so!). Remember Titus 3:10-11: “Reject a divisive man after the first and second admonition, knowing that such a person is warped and sinning, being self-condemned.”

James 4:1 asks, “Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members?”

When you or others feel angry at the injustice or lies being promulgated in the context of conflict, remember Paul’s warning: Ephesians 4:26-27: “Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.”  Conflict is a ripe opportunity for the enemy to work his havoc among believers. Do not fall for this device!

And remember where it all begins: in the heart. Jeremiah 17:9-10: “The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; who can know it? I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give every man according to his ways, According to the fruit of his doings.”

This means that the conflict must be resolved by changed hearts and only the Lord can do that. So, pray accordingly. And pray for the parties to the conflict including the mediators (elders or otherwise).  Pray for wisdom. Pray for peace. Pray for understanding, repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

6. Remember Your Vows

In most Presbyterian and Reformed Churches, members take vows. If this is you, remember what you vowed to do. The PCA, for example, has the following vow:

“Do you submit yourselves to the government and discipline of the Church, and promise to study its purity and peace?”

If you took that vow, then you are committed to fulfilling it, and this means not second guessing the Session or publicly challenging it. It means that you choose not to weigh in on something with which you only have partial knowledge because you want to protect the peace and purity of the church.

Does that mean the Session will never err? No, of course not. But I encourage you to be very careful and patient before making a premature judgment.

7. Remember your Polity

There are at least three forms of church government, congregational, presbyterian, and hierarchical (Anglican, Roman Catholic) and each has a way with addressing conflict. This paper is not intended to address the benefits/detriments of each, but to call the reader to allow those in authority who DO have spiritual responsibility time and freedom to exercise their authority to address the problem.

Of course, even if you do this, you may be tempted to second guess the decision of those in authority – the elders. But remember the same principles above when you are tempted to do so. And here are some important points to consider before you go down that road:

Wise elders will never reveal to you who-voted-how in their decision. Though the elders make personal, private decisions in the context of the Session meeting, the collective, public decision is all that should be shared by Session members. No elder should reveal how he voted (“Well, the majority of the Session said this, but I didn’t agree with them”). Consequently, you should not ask for details of the Session meeting or how each elder voted. Healthy elders will tell you neither.

Why is that? Because the Session has often spent hours upon hours going through the evidence to come to a decision. You are not privy to that evidence and so when you ask the elder to rehearse the details you are effectively acting like an elder. But in representative forms of government the ‘sausage making’ is done at the Session level, protecting the congregation from having to do so.

Additionally, Sessions should be committed to privacy and protection. It is not healthy or helpful to publicize all the sordid details of a conflict as it only fuels additional questions about the situation or the Session’s decision. The general rule is that the information stays with as few people as possible, on an as needed basis, even within the Session. At times there may be just one pastor and one elder involved in a conflict situation that is not brought before the Session until official charges are made.

This means that church members should not question the elders regarding why they made their decision or how they made their decision. The Session is bound to “act as a whole” and to” protect the privacy of individual parties as much as possible.” Not everyone needs to know everything. By the way, you’ll be very thankful for this practice when you are on the receiving end of it!

In summary: If you are aware of a conflict in a church, someone else’s or your own, it is imperative that you follow biblical guidelines and principles as these. If all church members did so, the peace and purity of the church will be maintained despite the conflicts that will inevitably come. No doubt this article will raise many follow-up questions that will perhaps call for additional conversation. But if we can begin here – we will be well on our way to protecting the reputation of Christ’s bride.

Dan Dodds is a Minister in the Presbyterian Church in America and is Associate Pastor of Woodruff Road PCA in Simpsonville, SC.

[1] The author, a 30-year pastor in the church, has witnessed church conflicts many times. The following are not theoretical suggestions, but counsel derived from Scripture and honed in the battlefield of real church conflicts.

[2] I was once told by a wife that her husband physically pushed her and pinned her to a wall. I was immediately angered and called the husband to confront him. He told me, “It’s true, I did that.” When I asked him, “Why did you do that?” he answered, “Because she was coming at me with a knife.” Turns out she omitted an important fact. And so, it has happened in one hundred percent of the cases I have been involved in. A good mediator must spend a lot of time and ask the right questions to finally get the whole story from both sides. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been surprised by information provided by the second party.