Let’s start with your heart motivation. Since I am assuming that you are a follower of Jesus Christ, then like all things, you are to do this to bring glory of God. And to do that you should start with the right motivation. Specifically, you should: “Treat younger women as sisters with absolute purity.”(1Timothy 5:2).

This article originally appeared here in 2014. It is even more true today.

This is an open letter to young men out there. All types of young men: my twenty-one-year-old son, young men in my church, and more particularly—young men who would like to date my daughters.

With one daughter having graduated from college and another in college, I have observed your dateless world. With a cultural war on manhood, you have lost markers that give you confidence. Allow a former young man to give you some guidance.

You are growing up in a less formal world. But you are not the better for it. And you take this informality into your relationship with the opposite sex. You “hang out” together.

Indeed, informality can be a benefit to seeing each other as friends. But in a world of “friends” there is not a distance that can foster a romantic relationship. Relationships are blurry. We “like” things on Facebook and “friend” people we met just once.

All of this vague social contact can lead to too much information. It can also lead to confusing and blurry relationships.

So here is my unsolicited advice to single young men from a former young man.

Manful Motivation

Let’s start with your heart motivation. Since I am assuming that you are a follower of Jesus Christ, then like all things, you are to do this to bring glory of God. And to do that you should start with the right motivation. Specifically, you should: “Treat younger women as sisters with absolute purity.”(1Timothy 5:2).

First, treat my daughter as you would treat your sister—with absolute purity. David Powlison observes: “All women except one—your wife—are in the category of mother, grandmother, sister, daughter. Your girlfriend or fiancee is a ‘sister’ first of all and should be treated as such.”

Until you are married, she is my daughter and your sister. I have promised the Lord to present her pure to a young man on her wedding day (2 Corinthians 11:2). That might be you. Who knows?

Second, treat my daughter as you would treat your sister—with selfless love. You can walk into this dating labyrinth with a serving heart or a self-seeking heart. Are you coming to serve or be served? You know which comes from Christ.

But how does this play out in specific actions?

Manful Actions

1. Spend some time in groups with guys and girls. Deliberately seek to socialize together or (radical thought!) serve together in groups. Your generation has nailed the socialize part. Maybe you could work on the serve part?

2. Have some modesty toward her. Keep your mouth shut. If you have feelings of affection or attraction, don’t reveal them. Have some self-control and modesty. Do not tell her you “like” her and put the ball in her court. See #3 to #5. Take some responsibility.

2a. Have some boundaries toward her. Do not text her like you text her buddies. Keep a little distance. Let the relationship grow in person.

3. Date with Jesus, not Cupid in mind. Ask a young lady out for coffee to get to know her, but also do this with other young ladies. And do this with some that seem less attractive to you. (Update – I have received some pushback that this makes you seem like you are playing the field. If so, then don’t do it.) Do this to serve them, not to lead them on. Do this with another guy friend to take the pressure off.

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