Now more than ever we need healthy churches, not big churches.  We need churches with tough expectations; churches that challenge men to endure open-soul surgery.  We need churches that pull out the poisonous darts of the enemy and liberally wash out the wound with the cleansing water of the gospel. We need churches that apply gospel salve and a clean bandage and then teach men how to hold up the shield of salvation.  We need churches where lives are changed, powerful testimonies are shared, and marriages are healed. 

There is no more accurate portrayal of 1980s youth culture than Netflix’s series Stranger Things.  Teenage boys on bikes before cell phones, roaming the neighborhood in packs, looking for creative ways to get in trouble, get injured, and just have fun.  In this show the boys face and battle a horrific, fictional monster.  But in the ‘80s there was a real, live monster, and it wasn’t hiding in the walls. It was the Playboy magazine hidden in the bedside drawer of a friend’s dad.

Having counseled and spoken confidentially with several thousand men during my life and ministry, the uncomfortable reality is this: The vast majority of Christian men are recovering sex addicts.  That is not to say we are all serial adulterers or rapists, but I would suggest we are sex addicts nonetheless.  The above picture was the beginning of a habit for so many teens growing up in the 70s 80s and 90s.  As physical beauty and twisted attraction meet, these images are engraved on young, impressionable minds, actually changing the chemistry of the brain and establishing patterns of behavior and habits for life.

In the new millennium we need an updated metaphor for boys’ relationship with pornography.  Because they don’t have to roam the neighborhood on bikes to stumble upon a magazine.  Now, with smart-phones–even in the back pocket of nearly every 12-year-old American kid,  we all live, work, and play on the rooftop of king David’s palace.  Beautiful women are bathing in plain sight all around.  What one used to go out of the way to find, now one has to go out of the way to avoid.  Unlike King David, we can’t even escape to war, as our rooftop abode is constantly besieged and surrounded on every side.

Some teens and young men are content to enjoy the view, cataloging and engraving the mental image.  More and more today invite Bathsheba over for a visit, because what used to be shameful and done in secret is now acceptable, expected and even celebrated in modern culture.  Lust, pornography, and adultery become powerful, versatile, and effective coping mechanisms. If they are hurting this will soothe their pain.  When weak they can feel powerful.  In chaos they can feel in control.  If angry they can feel vengeance.

What often happens then, is that a young man gets serious about following Jesus—say in high school or college.  And from that point forward, for the rest of his life, a major component of his approach to sexuality is retraining the brain and fighting temptation from both around and within.  He wrestles to hold every thought captive by the power of the Holy Spirit, and to move from objectifying to respecting our fellow image-bearers.

Christian (and professing Christian) young men will at times experience victories and at other times surrender in the face of a raging spiritual battle.  Some will struggle to a lesser degree but struggle nonetheless, with second and third looks, fantasy and rumination, and exposure to images on ubiquitous screens which our culture would not even call pornography.  Others binge and purge often with an increase in sexual deviancy due to the law of diminishing returns. And if a young man experienced child-hood abuse, trauma or neglect, and if unchecked, he can end up on Epstein’s Island, in Mazan, France, or across the street in Smalltown, USA, practicing any number of far more sick, twisted, and illegal sexual practices.  To some degree or another, most Christian young men battle and fight temptation on a regular basis, succumbing to the allure every few days, weeks, months, or years.

As these young men in your schools, churches and homes grow up they meet a beautiful young woman with whom they desire to spend the rest of their lives.  They date, enjoy companionship, and have a joyous wedding.  But here is why this is such a serious issue and where these sin patterns produce the most damaging and painful fruit. Very soon after the honeymoon, these men are shocked to discover that marriage doesn’t end this struggle, once and for all.  Why not?  Most men have spent years looking for intimacy in a cheap substitute from Playboy, pornhub, or even Pinterest.  It is as if they have a sex doll in their imagination–without blemish, or wrinkles or an ounce of fat.  This woman of their dreams never sins, requires no sacrifice, and is always ready and willing to have sex.

Of course, Christian men know intellectually that the real thing is far better than the imaginary substitute in Hollywood, or the mirage on their phones. Nonetheless, and here is the saddest of ironies:  They have spent so much time looking for what the cheap substitute promised that they miss out on the fullness of what God designed and offers as a gift: Mysteriously satisfying, monogamous sex within marriage.  Thus, the real thing becomes less than it could be sadly, because they are distracted by the fact that it is not what they were expecting.  They do not experience its full physical pleasure or spiritual bonding available as their mind and eyes dart here and there for that ever-illusive, life-sized, plastic Barbie doll.

As the years go by, middle-aged and older Christian men continue to struggle, more and more often in secret, with deeply entrenched sin patterns. It was easier to share with others in high school and college, but trusted friends are more difficult to make in your 30s or 60s, especially after a move to another city. In the silence men start to believe once again they are the only ones who continue to struggle. And now it would be too embarrassing to share openly with anyone as a ‘grown man.’  What can the Church do in the face of this unprecedented onslaught, this tidal wave of temptation and unconfessed sin in their midst?

One of my most respected former ministers helped me to see a way forward. While confessing to him my own struggle for sexual purity some years back as a young man he paused, reflected, and said, “I guess I’m a recovering sex addict.” Again, I was taken aback as this phrase conjured up images of sexual abusers, serial predators and lurking rapists.  But later I realized how helpful this was to hear.  You see, it is much easier to say, “I struggle with food,” or “I drink too much.”  But the truth is, anyone who has lost the freedom and self-control to abstain is an addict.  It may be an obsession with food or alcohol, money or muscles, but for most men it is playing that old mental video recording, taking a second and third long look, or scrolling through social media while justifying socially acceptable ‘soft’ porn.

This pastor did me a tremendous service in taking the shock out of the phrase ‘sex addict.’  What would it look like for Christian leaders to—instead of imagining a few sex addicts out of a hundred, to teach, preach and minister as if there are actually a hundred addicts minus a few?  Is this an exaggeration? Going too far?  I promise this assumption would be far, far closer to reality than to believe the converse, and only then would it create the conditions for real change to take place.  What could this look like?

Most dads are uncomfortable with this topic, hope their teen is not into pornography, and try to avoid addressing it as much as possible.  Instead, dads, go ahead and assume your teen and even tween is a recovering or active sex addict.  If this is the case, you cannot afford to avoid the subject.  Initiate conversations.  Confess to them your own sin.  Provide a loving and understanding environment for honest confession.  Refresh them with woman-at-the-well gospel healing.  Teach them about the beauty of sex within marriage and its powerful reflection of the wedding supper of the Lamb.  Share, listen, train, and encourage them to be leaders in this area among their friends.

Most church leaders are aware of this problem but likewise struggle addressing it as boldly as they would like. But a church taking this viewpoint will see the need to unashamedly and without hesitancy address this issue boldly.  These leaders will commit serious resources and efforts toward providing teaching, structure, programs, and an environment conducive to transformation from the inside out.  Pastors and headmasters will lead differently if they assume that every male applicant for teaching or leadership (leaders included) is a recovering or active sex addict.  Every youth group teen, every college student, every dad coming for membership, is a content or recovering sex addict.

“We know this is a struggle for you, because it is for all men.  We are a church that faces this issue head-on. Raw honesty in confessing the full depth and breadth of sin is a required part of true repentance which leads to refreshing forgiveness found only in the gospel.  You are not only not alone, but we are all in this together and we will walk through this journey with you.

“We are glad you want to be a member of our church and see that you have a credible profession of faith.  We welcome you with open arms into church membership, and during your first year as a new member we expect you to complete the sexual purity program we have developed.  By the way, our pastors were the first to go through this course, and every staff member has been through it as well.  Jesus’ sacrifice is sufficient to cover even the deepest and darkest sin, and we want to make sure every member experiences that full and complete cleansing.

“We are so glad you want to teach at Grace Academy, and you will be a welcome addition.  Your employment will be contingent upon your commitment to participate in and complete Celebrate Recovery, which is offered at these three like-minded area churches.

“Your degree program at South-eastminster Seminary will include completion of a one-year program called Regen, developed by Watermark Church in Dallas, TX.  It is being offered at these two large churches in the area who have the resources to do it well.  All of our professors and staff have been through this, and they will tell you it has been life-changing. It is crucial that our future church leaders are fully equipped, deeply accountable, and personally pursuing holiness if they are to effectively preach and apply the powerful and sufficient gospel to their flocks.

“You don’t think you need it?  You may be one of a small number who have a healthy sexual past, but we still expect you to go through it.  Because Christian, gospel-centered addiction programs help believers deal with all kinds of issues and idols, often having nothing to do with sexuality, alcohol or drugs. After all, in a sense we are all addicted to sin, even while we are being renewed day by day.”

“Ladies, you are encouraged to go through this program as well as part of a women’s group. You will find out more about yourself and your husband/significant other.  You will have new tools to improve your marriage, you will understand your husband better, and—if you have been betrayed by your husband, this content will help you to process–perhaps more objectively, the challenges your husband is facing.  Moreover, you will uncover issues in your own heart, of which you were not even aware. “

Leaders, if you do not see this as one of the greatest challenges for the 21st century church, I respectfully suggest you have a blind spot of which you are not aware.  You may be fearful, not seeing this as an effective church growth strategy (although, ironically, it is).  You may not see that most churches are full of spiritually impotent men due in large part to secret, unconfessed sin.

Now more than ever we need healthy churches, not big churches.  We need churches with tough expectations; churches that challenge men to endure open-soul surgery.  We need churches that pull out the poisonous darts of the enemy and liberally wash out the wound with the cleansing water of the gospel. We need churches that apply gospel salve and a clean bandage and then teach men how to hold up the shield of salvation.  We need churches where lives are changed, powerful testimonies are shared, and marriages are healed.  Getting started will feel so counterintuitive.  It will be messy, but it will be a beautiful mess.  The watching world (which has actually been ignoring the Church for some time now) will begin to take notice.  The unchurched will begin to feel welcome.  Souls will be saved.

As for myself, I’m in the fight, and I’m struggling as well. My name is Ted and I’m a recovering sex addict, but this doesn’t define me.  I am a grateful believer in the Lord Jesus Christ who alone tells me who I am.  As my bridegroom he chases me down, draws me to himself, and washes me clean.  He is changing my life and the lives of many who are already putting this principle in practice.

Ted Hamm is a Minister in the Presbyterian Church in America ministering to missionaries in transition through the non-profit Homes with a Mission in Greenville, SC.