Many children feel their parent’s divorce is one of the most devastating events in their life, an event that damages their own self-perception and hinders their ability to form and maintain healthy relationships.

Last week, The Cut profiled nine women about “the Moment They Knew Their Marriage Was Over,” noting, “as painful as it may be” sometimes divorce is “exactly what you have to do.” It’s true that the marriage challenges adults face are often weighty. But what both The Cut and our culture largely ignore is the life-long cost divorce inflicts on children, preferring to believe that what children want most is “happy” parents rather than parents who work to stay married.

In reality, many children feel their parent’s divorce is one of the most devastating events in their life, an event that damages their own self-perception and hinders their ability to form and maintain healthy relationships. The Federalist spoke with nine children, whose names have been changed, about their lives in the moments and years following their parents’ announcement that their marriage was over.

My mother told me she was divorcing my father when I was 17 years old. My brother had already gone to college, so I was alone. My first reaction was “I just want the fighting to stop.” I thought the divorce would bring relief, I had no idea what the impact of the dissolution of our family would bring.

Both parents went on with their lives, and I was left alone to figure things out on my own. Our house was sold, I went off to college, and felt devastated I had no family or home to go back to anymore.

I couldn’t reconcile the fact that half of me is mom, half of me is dad, and if they hate each other, how can they possibly love me completely, as they can see the other person they hate in me? I felt unlovable and completely abandoned. My relationships have always failed because I was waiting for the “shoe to drop,” convincing myself no one can love me and no one wants to be around me for too long.
—Samantha, 59, customer service, Michigan

When I was 11 years old, I came home from Vacation Bible School, and my mother told me she was moving out and divorcing my dad. She knew that I was aware of her affairs. I felt dirty, like I was guilty by association. It made me incredibly insecure when anyone said I looked like her/reminded them of her. It alienated me from that side of my family.
—Ava, 23, secretary, Minnesota

I was 5 years old when my parents got divorced. To be honest, I don’t recall a moment they sat my sister and I down and told us. We just remember Dad being gone for months at a time before he came back into town and I started my visitation.

A court system chose the days of the week I’d see my dad, and the days of each week I’d see my mom. I remember feeling unstable and confused. As I packed my belongings in a bag for a weekend with Dad I didn’t understand why my sisters weren’t coming. That’s when I found out they both had a different dad. My dad had raised them for most of their lives, and suddenly it was as if they weren’t a part of him anymore.

Deep grief filled my little body as I mourned not having access to my dad Monday to Friday. I cried myself to sleep Friday to Sunday when I couldn’t have access to my mom. I had separation anxiety from my mom, so one time my dad sent the cops to pick me up when I didn’t want to go.

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