A trusted friend or counselor can help you sort through your thoughts, come alongside you in prayer, and help you bear this burden. They can help you prioritize your concerns and questions and pray for your husband to respond honestly and humbly.

The moment at which you discover your husband’s use of pornography, your world turns upside down. You feel shock, disgust, and despair. Your head spins. Many women fear approaching their husbands about their discovery or consider it wrong for a wife to confront her husband. Some women feel safer ignoring it. Others take the opposite approach and engage with anger, and their elevated response becomes the focus rather than their spouse’s sin.

I want to help you confront your husband in a way that expresses care for him and concern for your marriage. But first, it needs to be said that pornography is a grievous and serious sin. Hebrews 13:4 puts it succinctly: “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” Sexual sin is infectious, leading to other sins like deception.¹ It is divisive and harmful to a marriage, so it is critical that you address it.

However, the most important thing at this moment is that you are hurting, and you do not know what to do. Here are some ways to help you think about how to approach your husband. These steps are not linear, but they are designed to help guide you in the conversation you will have with your husband—the one you never wanted to have.

1. Pray

Your emotions will be swirling, and the uncertainty of how big the problem is or how your husband will respond will most likely trigger anxious thoughts. Ask the One who loves you faithfully to give you strength, peace of mind, a discerning heart, and answers about what to do. He promises to establish your steps, and his steadfast love never ceases (Prov 16:9; Lam 3:22).

2. Enlist Support

Using pornography is a serious sin. Its discovery can turn your world upside down, causing you to question many things.

• Am I enough for my spouse?
• Do I even know my husband?
• Will we get past his betrayal?
• Does he fantasize about other women when he is with me?

A trusted friend or counselor can help you sort through your thoughts, come alongside you in prayer, and help you bear this burden. They can help you prioritize your concerns and questions and pray for your husband to respond honestly and humbly.

If talking about your husband’s sin with another person feels like a betrayal or causes you shame, you do not have to share the details. Simply tell your friend or pastor that you are wrestling with a serious issue in your marriage and need prayer and support.

Your marriage will benefit from having the wise counsel of other people during this crisis. And your husband will definitely need someone to speak to and check in on how he is fighting temptation. It is good to enlist help early on.

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