Typically, people reduce this to geography: “I’m moving out of my parent’s house and in with my new wife across town.” But “leaving and cleaving” also alters your parents’ authority and responsibility. Once a couple gets married, there’s a seismic shift in the parents’ role. They don’t stop being Mom and Dad, but they can’t expect to be honored the same way they were when the kids were young. How time is spent, the frequency of being together, where holidays happen, expectations for seeing grandchildren, the way counsel or opinions are shared—all of these glorious blessings must move out of the realm of expectation and into the realm of collaboration.

Kimm and I had one premarital session before our wedding. It lasted maybe five minutes, just long enough for the well-meaning counselor to hand us a crate of cassettes and urge us to listen. We threw them in the trunk. One day, nine months later, he wanted them back. Not a problem, since they were right where I left them—in the trunk, unopened and unused.

It’s frightening to think how unprepared we were for marriage. I don’t blame our counselor. I’m not sure he had premarital counseling either. But as I reflect back on the last 35 years, there have been a few surprises it would have been helpful to know about.

Here are six surprises I believe every pastor or premarital counselor should cover:

1. The Sin Surprise 

Engagement is like walking through an amusement park with fogged-up glasses. There’s so much you don’t see clearly, but who really cares? You’re having fun! Here’s the truth: Your fiancé is more sinful than you know. If his or her sin hasn’t already surprised you, get ready: it will. I’m not saying your future spouse is hiding something. You just don’t have eyes to see what’s there. This is why you should seek counsel from friends, family, and the church before a relationship gets serious.

Borrow others’ glasses to look at your loved one through their eyes. Also, be sure to talk about the “three P’s” of past sin—patterns, partners, and particulars. Don’t be unnerved by what you uncover. Your beloved is a sinner just like you. Remember: Our sin is horrific enough to require Christ’s blood to take it away. But God’s grace has power over the “sin eruptions” you couldn’t see before your wedding day. Don’t be afraid. The fallenness you uncover becomes a theater for displaying Christ’s redemption.

2. The Conflict Surprise

I thought the early years of marriage were about how Kimm needed to improve. You can guess where that led. According to marriage gurus, our early conflicts simply indicated a lack of communication skill. But the Bible says, “What causes quarrels and fights among you? Is it not your passions at war within you?” (James 4:1–2).

Fights and arguments happen when we don’t get what we desire. My early conflicts with Kimm revealed what I craved. I got angry with her, because, well, I had an entitled heart. I wanted Kimm to respect me. I thought being respected was some kind of inalienable right grounded in both Scripture and the American constitution. But it didn’t take long before I saw how a good desire can corrupt into a harmful demand.

I thought each biblical command for my wife revealed a need in me and a right I possessed. But I came to see this takes God out of the picture—and puts me in his place. Sure, a respectful wife contributes to marital harmony. But God’s commands for Kimm exist to help her grow in love for him. They weren’t given for me to manipulate to my own ends.

3. The ‘Slow-Change’ Surprise

Walk in a dark room and throw on the switch. What happens? The room instantly transforms. We want spiritual change the same way: Hear a passage, throw on the switch of application, and change comes within the hour. That would make sense if Christianity were a vending machine. Put in your quarters and wait for the sanctification soda.

But God orders the pace of change according to factors we can’t see. Sometimes he gives it slowly to humble us. This reminds us we aren’t him. Sometimes he gives change slowly to tutor our spouse in patience, love, and mercy. When two people are yoked together, God’s growth of one always has the other’s soul in view. Demanding immediate change in a new spouse is a great way to introduce other problems into the marriage.

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