God must be central in your marriage. He’s the tie that binds, the cornerstone, and the sure foundation. A marriage without Christ at the center can’t flourish. A Christian’s first love must always be Jesus. We were created by God and for him (Rom. 11:36). When you love someone, you want to share that person with the other people you love most. In the same way, if you love Christ, you should want to share your love for him with your spouse.

When Cassie noticed Craig had left his phone on the kitchen table before going outside to mow the grass, she checked it to see which tabs were open. Over the last few months, Craig had seemed emotionally distant, and this worried Cassie.

She braced herself as she scrolled through his history, assuming their recent lack of connection meant Craig’s problem with pornography had flared up yet again. Cassie had known for a long time that she needed to speak up about Craig’s porn use, but she hadn’t been able to muster the courage. This time, Craig’s search history surprised her. He’d been researching ways to get a divorce.

Often, people wait too long before seeking help for their faltering marriages, but several factors may indicate your marriage needs care. Below, we’ve outlined specific questions that can help you be more aware of potential trouble. If you notice any of these warning signs, don’t wait around expecting your difficulties to resolve without effort. Be proactive. If one spouse thinks there’s a problem in one or more of these areas, there is a problem. Reach out for help from your pastor, small-group leader, or another person in leadership in your local church.

1. Poor Communication

Communication is the necessary foundation of any relationship; it’s impossible to build a solid marriage without it. Healthy communication helps couples address challenges and concerns, solve problems, make decisions, and face trials together.

Spouses sometimes confuse little to no communication with peace. But silence may be a way of avoiding conflict. Don’t let the quiet lull you into a false sense of security. It may be an indicator that your relationship has gotten worse. The absence of conflict isn’t true peace; it’s often evidence one partner in the marriage feels defeated or that both have given up.

Every couple experiences some miscommunication, but seeking pastoral help and biblical counsel is a good idea if you and your spouse have regular misunderstandings in day-to-day conversations, fight frequently, or consistently bury and avoid conflict.

If communication is your primary problem, be encouraged. Healthy, God-honoring communication habits are relatively easy to learn, and once you do, you’ll be able to address many other marital challenges you may face together.

• How do you handle conflict with your spouse? Do you tend to go silent? Do you get angry and argumentative? How does your spouse respond to conflict?
• On average, how much of your communication with your spouse builds one another up versus tearing each other down?
• How often are you and your spouse alone together? Of that time, how much is spent talking versus being on your phone or doing something else in silence?

2. Lack of Intimacy

Marriage should be one of the closest relationships two people can have. The Bible describes marriage as two people becoming one (Gen. 2:24; Matt. 19:5–6; Eph. 5:31).

Most couples begin marriage with an intense desire to be close. When we conduct premarital counseling, we ask, “What are you most looking forward to about marriage?” Almost every couple says their greatest desire is to be together all the time. They want to go on dates and not have to part ways at night’s end. They want to share every part of life with each other.

Yet as time goes on, the excitement of the honeymoon tends to fade. That’s normal.

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