One or more of these five causes is usually at the heart of ongoing conflict within marriage. Often they seem small (what’s a little selfishness in an otherwise okay relationship?), but if these unhealthy roots are allowed to remain without being addressed, the relationship will weaken over time.

Our first fight as a married couple was at our wedding reception. More accurately, it was in the car immediately after the reception—but it started at the reception. For months prior to our wedding, my soon-to-be wife, Terrie, had invested untold hours into making reception favors—fabric roses with a candied almond as the center—for our special day. She explained to me ahead of time that during the reception she and I were to take a basket of these around and personally thank each person who was there, giving them a rose as we did so.

To Terrie, this labor of love was a way to express personal gratitude to those who had invested in our lives. I viewed it as a thoughtful idea and didn’t think much more of it—until the reception. After we had delivered roses to about six people, I realized this was going to take way too long. Totally forgetting the reasons Terrie had made the roses and why she wanted to hand deliver each of them, I saw that basket only as an obstacle to getting out of the reception and on to our honeymoon.

Inspired with a great idea, I grabbed the mic from our emcee and announced, “If there is anyone who would like one of these roses, come up and get one!” My idea was a success. We were immediately flocked by every child in the room, and I watched with joy as the roses disappeared. I, the rose-conquering hero, whisked Terrie out to the car, and we were off.

We were hardly away from the church when I looked over and saw Terrie’s lip quivering and her eyes filling with tears. I couldn’t believe it! How in the world could she be unhappy? We were just starting the happiest week of our lives!

“What’s wrong, honey?” Through broken sobs she got out, “How could you give out all the roses—to the kids? I didn’t even get to thank those ladies who came to our wedding, who mentored me, who invested in our lives. They came to our wedding, and we just ignored them…”

So there it was—we had been married less than an hour and already we had conflict. In that moment, Terrie and I both thought that our disagreement was over candied-almond roses. Looking back, that wasn’t the issue at all. The conflict was actually over a difference of perspective and was rooted in insensitivity on my part. So what does cause conflict in marriage? There are many surface causes, but we can boil them down to five common root issues:

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