As 2 Corinthians 1:3–4 teaches, God comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from Him. We see this truth lived out constantly in grief ministry. And because up to half of our participants are unchurched, these ministries don’t only bring healing to believers — they also open doors for the Gospel to reach people in profound seasons of need.

Years ago, I interviewed a newly widowed woman for our grief ministry program. I gently asked her how she lost her husband. She answered me bluntly, “You don’t lose a husband — you lose your keys.”

I was reminded right then that her tragedy was indescribable. She was — quite understandably — in a tremendously sensitive state, and nothing I could say in that moment could make it better.

Pastors might know what I’m talking about, because they have almost certainly been struck speechless in these cases. They feel helpless in the time of someone’s greatest need. They want to help, but don’t know what to do.

Through over 20 years of listening to grieving people as we created and updated four successive versions of GriefShare, I’ve observed specific characteristics of grief that pastors can acquaint themselves with to serve their congregations more effectively.

First, the grieving process is anything but linear. We often talk of the “five stages of grief” as something people progress through, but those stages were introduced by psychiatrist Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross to describe the emotions of patients who received a terminal diagnosis, not the shock of losing a parent or spouse.

Rather, grief can ebb and flow and appear unexpectedly. Grief therapist H. Norman Wright explains that grief can intensify at the three-month mark of a loved one’s death or at the one-year anniversary, on holidays or important anniversaries.

Grief often features a cascading ambush of several emotions all at once, triggered by memories or milestones. It can be disorienting and terrifying. Our GriefShare workbook lists more than 150 common emotions and responses associated with grieving a death.

Secondly, grief doesn’t get better with time, at least not right away. In fact, the second year after a loss can be worse than the first.

After a communal outpouring of support at a funeral, the initial fog of grief lifts and the silent, awful ache of loss might really begin.

Read More