Don’t be discouraged, and definitely don’t heap all the blame on yourself. Remember that it is not too late to extricate yourself, nor is it too late to immunize yourself—though to be sure, it may take time, and even then we’re never fully immune until glory!

We don’t want to think the worst of people, but neither should we be deceived (Luke 21:8, 1 Cor. 15:33, Gal. 6:7). In our last post, we considered six warning signs that someone might be trying to manipulate you. It is a virtue to suffer for righteousness’ sake… but it is not a virtue to suffer needlessly, much less for the sake of a spiritual predator.

But assuming that you’ve identified spiritual abuse, what can you do about it?

Don’t be discouraged, and definitely don’t heap all the blame on yourself. Remember that it is not too late to extricate yourself, nor is it too late to immunize yourself—though to be sure, it may take time, and even then we’re never fully immune until glory!

In order to better break the spell, please seriously and prayerfully weigh the following:

Stand

Respectfully but firmly, tell him you are done. Done being used. Done being conflicted, hurt, bewildered, feeling guilty when you shouldn’t be feeling guilty. Done spending so much time caught up in things that are keeping you from spending time with your family, or from just enjoying some well-deserved R&R after work.

He will probably try his spells again, and even ratchet up his game. But stand your ground. You don’t have to be his puppet. You belong to Jesus, not him. Jesus shed His blood for you, not him. And Jesus, unlike other pretenders, came to set you “free,” that you may be “free indeed” (Jn. 8:36).

Run

But if your knees buckle, run. Get out of Dodge, and yesterday. Don’t let it be drawn out any longer. If you can find the strength, as you run tell him over your shoulder that you cannot submit to this kind of control. And don’t, don’t, don’t apologize. Don’t let him ply you anymore. If … and I stress if you’ve come to the conviction that you are dealing with a manipulator, treat him much as you would a violent aggressor who has broken into your home. You may have to refuse to answer the phone calls, block his number, ‘unfriend’ him online. Don’t even answer the door, if you must. There is no law that says you have to answer the door; but there are laws against people for force their way in. Even if you are overreacting, a good pastor should give you distance and time to breathe—and not continue to barrage your inbox or bang on your door.

If you just can’t dig your heels in, try asking for ‘breathing time.’ Ask for three months to be left alone to think and pray (… and recover). But be prepared for counter-offers and counter-pressure. Or a make-up bouquet of tactics two weeks later. Just realize, sooner than later, the door must be locked and bolted. (And maybe a moat installed?).

Write

If you can’t speak, write. If the situation is just too sticky, and you just lack the steam inside to do things face to face, send a letter or an e-mail. That way you can carefully and prayerfully put your thoughts in writing. If he replies, “Okay,” At least then you’ll have things in writing, something to share with another trusted friend to confirm whether you are or aren’t imagining things. If he leaves a voicemail, send an e-mail. Rinse, wash, repeat.

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