As Biblical counselors, we are to help her understand her role as his Biblical helpmate. I already established that it is not in her best interests to pretend and placate with him, but do you think it is in his best interests? I don’t believe so. Rather I believe it is in his best interests that he comes to Christ, repent and change his ways. He will only see his sin when he is confronted with it or experiences the consequences of it. This will not happen if she is silent about the sin done against her and her children and just tries harder to please him.

Morning friend,

I don’t normally do this but I was so disturbed by a recent pastor’s blog response to a woman in a destructive marriage that I wanted to respond both to him and her publically on this forum. I have been in communication with this pastor, Dr. Mike Lawyer, and he said that he has read my material and doesn’t disagree with much of what I write however his answer to this woman does not reflect an understanding of domestic abuse or a destructive marriage. I also posted a response to his blog on his blog which he has yet to approve.

My concern is that hurting women go to their pastor for advice. Studies show that most women who are in an abusive marriage will first seek spiritual guidance from their place of faith as the first step of getting help. His advice to her is grossly inadequate and borders on ridiculous. I’ve included the question the woman asked and a link to his response. Read it. My response to his response is posted on this blog. If you think it would be helpful, print it out or forward it to your pastor so that he can be better informed on these issues.

Dear Pastor,

You’ll never believe the terrible state of my marriage. I was raised in a Christian family. My father and mother never fought. I wasn’t rebellious as a teen and my husband and I went through all the “proper” courtship process before getting married. Now, five years later, everything has fallen apart.

Roy, my husband, who was so loving and kind in the beginning has become rude, surly, and angry all the time. The good thing is that he doesn’t hit me or the children (one boy and two girls), but he gets really quiet and spends a lot of time in the basement. Every once in a while, he does blow up and wowser, what a blow-up. He curses, yells, calls us all kinds of names and throws things. We never know when he’s going to blow and what is going to cause it. We’re all walking on egg shells all the time.

Can you fix him? Can you help us?

Hurt & Confused

You can read his response to her here:

Dear Pastor Lawyer,

I disagree with much of what you offered this woman. You started well, pointing her to Christ and telling her to put her marriage in its proper place. However, from there, I think you missed the essence of helping her by telling her that if she became more aware of her own sin she wouldn’t mind being verbally battered by her husband. In addition, you did not attempt to help her think through whether or not she and her children are safe.

First, I do not think it was this woman’s pride or sense of entitlement that is being injured by her husband’s cruel words. It is her spirit. The Bible is clear, “reckless words pierce like a sword”(Proverbs 12:18). “With their words, the godless destroy their friends” (Proverbs 11:9). “Life and death are in the power of the tongue.” (Proverbs 18:21).

James reminds us that words harm people. He strongly warns people about the power of our tongue and how wrong it is to use it to attack people. He writes, “It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, that is not right!” (James 3:8-10).

This woman is a precious daughter of God. She is created in His image and God hates what her husband is doing to her. Why did you not speak to that? Her heart breaks not because she is a prideful woman but because of her husband, the very one who has promised to love and cherish her, verbally batters her (Psalm 69:20). His cruel words have a significant impact on her physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. (See Psalm 55:2,4,5,13).

Second, this woman mentioned that in his anger, her husband not only verbally assaults her but also throws things. She is not just in pain, she is afraid.

What if he starts punching her, or the children? She said they are walking on eggshells around him. You completely ignored the potential danger she and her children may be facing. It’s important that you know that abusive behavior in marriage increases in intensity and severity over time. Every day we hear about women who are battered and murdered by their spouses or boyfriends.

Instead of addressing her safety, you encourage her to build him up and compliment what he does well. But what about speaking into what he is doing that is destructive and sinful? God’s word has much to say about how this wife is to deal with this and I don’t think it is to be silent and pretend it isn’t that bad by building up his already inflated ego.

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