Balaam’s: “Chief, Chief, have you heard about the uprising? Several underling leaders are going crazy? They’re writing about our plans, they’re speaking out, they’re advocating not going along, they do not trust the Grand Plan, the sky is falling, the sky is falling, the . . .”

N. Tom Wrong: “Hold on there, little guy; take a breath. The sky won’t fall. We’re firmly tenured.”

Balaam’s [excitedly, with his voice going higher with each breath]: “But it is; it is! Look over there; that corner of the universe is starting to curl into a black hole! This is the end of the world as we know it. Yes, yes, the end of the world as we know it.”

Tom Wrong: “And I feel fine. C’mon. You should know that power structures rarely crumble. Plus we hold the meta-narrative, along with all the By Sight publications. There’s no way a peasant revolt could work. We’re too entrenched. We know too much, my little monster.”

Head Guy: “Plus, we know how to tamp down uprisings. Some of us learned from some of the best. You don’t get to be the Head Guys—for as long as we have been—without knowing how to dispel dissent. In fact, we have stumbled upon old Takeover Manuals from previous boards (which we publicly blast, of course, but follow more than you know). Now, young Balaam’s, in just a few moments, we’ll share with you the Three Rules for Putting Down Ecclesiastical Dissent.”

Snookie: “But won’t someone figure this out? I thought our new Grand Plan was of the people, by the people, and for the people. Whatever happened to grass-roots growing ideas, instead of top-down fertilizing. I think I need to speak to The Situation.”

Head Guy: “Come on, toots, are you that naïve? No wonder you got punched at the bar. Let me refer you to our expert, Dr. WormTape, PhD, ThD, DD, AD. We’re gonna Skype him in now. Or is it Twitter? Or FaceTwype? I love these NextGen gadgets. Which button do I push?”

Balaam’s: “But the sky is falling. Do we really have time for another Church Planting Coach or Consultant? Will we have to go on another of those golf junkets, called a ‘vision trip’ to learn? I think I hear the footsoldiers from Twin Peaks coming to take us away, hee hee. Woe is me, the sky is falling.”

Head Guy: “Oh, don’t worry about the Old School; we’ll co-opt them soon. We’ll razzle-dazzle them with a presentation before you know it and have them on board. Just give ‘em a seat or two at the table and sit back. They’ll even help us carry our water. If you wanna put down the insurrection, listen on. You’ll learn the A-D-P method: Affect, Deflect, and Protect. Hello Dr. WormTape. Thank you for joining us.”

WormTape: “Hello. I know we’re short on time (or attention span, at least; see my How the Dim has Become Gold for more), so here is the first of Three Rules to handle a church uprising, which objects to top-down leadership. It’s the Affect Rule. First, trot out your leaders and have them whine: “Waaaahhhh; I’m hurt. I can’t believe you don’t trust me. You know me, and I’m one of the good guys. Waaaahhhh; I’ve led 47 minor campaigns, fended off imaginary attackers, dueled in blog-wars (with a ghostwriter), and defeated fictional myths for years. I’m so wounded, so hurt (tears should appear in the corner of at least one eye). I could just cry my eyes out. I don’t feel safe. I . . . I.”

Snookie: “Well, that is touching. I’m moved. However, we probably should remain more logical than to fall for that ad hominem.”

WormTape: “Then, if not yet convinced, we’ll have to continue with: “I’ve never in all my professional life as President of ______ been so attacked, so brutalized. This hurts me, it hurts my wife, think of my children, Tiny Tim, and . . . I’m devastated. How could you turn on me? I don’t know if I can continue to talk much longer. I may (sniff, sniff) be unable to continue to prattle my mantra (“it’s all about God and grace; not about me”) so many times that it invariably shines the light on me, my courage, my achievements, my piety, my—Oh, I’m such a victim. . . . but a gospel-centered victim.”

N. Tom Wrong: “Oh, that’s a good one, very effective. Tears and emotional appeals (and throw in the word ‘gospel’ a dozen or so times) will move half of any assembly, especially one that is resolved not to think through issues but only to have a family reunion (cf. Acts 15). Our public will go for affect over substance most any time. See Oprah. Rule #1 is ‘Go for the Affect,’ especially from our big, bad, brave, bold whiners, er, leaders.”

Snookie: “You almost persuaded me, but still aren’t the grass roots ever right in what they’re objecting to, especially if this has happened before? What about substance? What about history or principle?”

N. Tom: “Oh, gimme a break. No wonder, we don’t ordain/commission/appoint/select/let-the-local-group-decide to have women as leaders. Snookie, you’re so dense.”

WormTape: “Let’s move on. The Second rule is to Deflect attention to the critics. Say, “they’re crusty, mean-spirited, old fashioned, out-of-touch, nonUrban, and their churches do not grow.” In this second rule, you hold up a mirror to show the utter failure of many others (never our own), especially your critics. Talk about their home lives (get personal if you must) and their demeanor, send rumors out about them (you know how to damn them with faint whispers), and mainly talk about how grandiose our successful super-stars are. Deflect; don’t ever argue the merits. And don’t forget to say that “waaaah, but dey didn’t come to me puhsonawee; dey’re so vicious. Wook at dem (not at our Plan).”

N. Tom Wrong: “Nothing like success. Isn’t this where we also have OUR superstars lead seminars, write books, and speak to the assembly to show that they are the true leaders, not these critics?”

WormTape: “Yes, oh Dark One, I see you’ve done this before. The Second Rule holds up our Latest-Greatest, and we allow the failures to be seen for what they are. Ask the group often: do you want to follow a success or . . . an abysmal, crotchety failure—who doesn’t even dress very nicely, has poor hair days every day, or isn’t popular?”

Snookie: “Like some of those Old Testament prophet dudes. Or Apostles? Why are we so fixated on status, appearance, and standing?”

WormTape: “Gotta move on, sweetkins. After the Deflect or turn-the-attention-to-your-critics rule, the Third Rule, if the first two rules haven’t worked, is Protect the co-ordinators by then Stacking the Deck. Get all our sub-cardinals, assistant cardinals, sub-sub-cardinals, and assistant sub-sub-cardinals (and any others paid by HQ) in the committee room. And recruit our other lap dogs—especially the young, up-and-comers—who will vote with us—and vote the rednecks into submission. Steamroll ‘em. Run over them with the votes (or the mower). That’s the Protect by Shock and Awe rule. Stack the Deck.”

N. Tom: “This works every time. Power is good. All church power is purely ministerial and declarative—especially if wielded rightly for our interests. Keep repeating that one. And just make sure to add a few anecdotes about growth, size, and prayer. See my book on Machen for more on this.”

WormTape: “I’ll sign off our Skype conference now; you have enough to go on for now. Now drum up the troops. This is not hard. In a later session, we’ll revise and extend more on these topics.”

Snookie: “Still, Tom, I feel kinda uneasy about this. Seems like we’re doing the same thing as worldly groups do. This looks—even with the strong denials—exactly like what liberals do and have done except that we’re doing it. Don’t you think that if anyone pauses to compare these methods to our own that it will look like a repetition of earlier dynamics? Also, I didn’t think servant-leaders had to get their way all the time. I didn’t know that they would ruthlessly use any measure to get their way. I’ll think about what you said, Dr. Wrong, but I have to think this over.”

N. T. Wrong: “Think about it all you want, kiddo. And remember what I said about servant-leadership in Facebook #1. But while you ponder, we may have to move on without you as well. After all, we have behind-the-scenes work to do.”
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WormTape is a satirist and a member of the Presbyterian Church in America.