Here is one alternative ending for the blockbuster series LOST. We refer to this as BUREACRACY LOST.

Sayid: “OK, I’ll take the blame for the juvenile, self-serving ideas in the StratPlan bomb. I’ll gather it up and run to the exit of the submarine and jump out to my own death. Someone has to fall on the sword. And I am an Iraqi.”

Locke: “Just have faith; our commissioners have voted for silly things for years. They’ll trust us. And we’ll ask them to trust us or accuse them of not trusting us if they doubt or disagree.”

Kate: “But I love you both. I want to make all men happy.”

Claire: “It’s my biy-baye; my biy-baye. I’ll shoot ya if ya tamper with this StratPlan. Or anything at our corporate HQ.”

Ben: “This is exactly what I wanted you all to do. I knew that if the Bureaucrats could ever be coaxed out on a limb, they’d surely jump. Just hold this apple before their eyes. They could not resist this ‘We have a Power Grab.’ Then, I knew the grassroots would rise up. Amidst all this chaos, now I can retain my position as Leader of the Others.”

Sawyer: “Son of a WIC! Quit eating canned potato skins, Hurley.”

Hurley: “Dude, I believe in you. I know the plan will pass. Let’s stick with it, no matter how crazy it is. I’m the luckiest man alive, so let’s don’t change a thing.”

Jack: “But that’s just the problem: this Plan is crazy. The dots don’t connect. The remedies don’t come close to the problems. Does anyone really believe if our membership is declining, that further bureaucratization will make our churches grow? And how will adding a few therapeutic, sharing groups aid mission or evangelization. Can’t people see that this Plan is little more than an internal memo by the Smoke Monster to enhance his own and his buddy’s tenure?”

Ben: “But that’s just it, Jack. Our people don’t want to hear data. It’s long been known that the Deciders prefer ice-cream socials, hymn sings, and hugs over thinking through the implications of structural proposals. Do you really think that people want to think?”

Charlie: “The PCA will grow if it sings with me: ‘We are everybody. We are everybody.’

Sun: “We want more Korean seats at the table; and we’ll speak only Korean until we get that. And our thirteen Korean support groups can block about anything if we put our minds to it. How do you like those seats at the table?”

Locke: “But you can trust our leaders. We know them. They’re wonderful men. Imagine them all on the Island in wife-beaters. Wouldn’t that be a fun sequel?”

Desmond: “Yes, brother, I’d love to see that. Penn-ay. We must run from Charles Widmore. He’ll do anything he can to keep his hands on the levers of power. He wants to come back and switch roles with Ben. But neither wishes to let us decide for ourselves.”

Miles: “Was the StratPlan first developed as part of the Dharma Initiative? Didn’t Dr. Chang help draft it? Then all he had to do was control everybody’s mind and eliminate the opposition.”

Hurley: “Dude, where’s the canned beef? Is it wrapped up in the Great Themes and Goals?”

Juliette: “Come into my operating room, and let me do a little surgery if you oppose Ben and the Others or any part of the Dharma StratPlan.”

Sawyer: “Son of a WIC! We need to kill this plan. It has more lives than a cat from New Orleans. I’m gonna shoot it.”

Kate: “Go do it, James. And take your shirt off while you do.”

Sawyer: “That’s why I love you, freckles. You can leave Jack, and I’ll leave Juliette. Let’s get our mojo back for sure. Who needs more Dharma bureaucrats.”

Locke: “But how can we possibly make it without bureaucrats. We need more, not less, don’t we? Those from Dharma HQ really love us; and they serve so much. They just feel a deep need to do what they think is right for the Island, even if the Islanders don’t think so. Isn’t that servant leadership?”

Ben: “Exactly; let’s tax all the groups, have more money, and don’t ever let anyone discover our island. It is so cozy as it is. And the extra seats at the table will go to our children, never to outsiders.”

Jack: “I’ll join Sawyer in defending the light. We are better off standing against evil than joining it. Let’s vote.”

Bureaucrat: “So we really are dead, after all. Maybe we just should not go through the motions of pushing a plan that is so flawed. Let’s get off the Island.”

Charlotte: “About time. I was beginning to believe that some people would cling to anything, even weak plans just to retain power. It’s really time for Ben to go.”
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WormTape is a satirist and a member of the PCA.