“Is it true as the StratPlan claims on page one that the PCA has assigned radical overhaul planning to the Cooperative Ministries Committee (CMC)? And that Rules of Assembly Operations 7-3 mandated this?

Pauly D: “Is it true as the StratPlan claims on page one that the PCA has assigned radical overhaul planning to the Cooperative Ministries Committee (CMC)? And that Rules of Assembly Operations 7-3 mandated this? This is not another one of those self-anointed things, is it, where distant haunchos groupthink that they know better (see the earlier Vision 2000, PCA Consensus, and PPLN 2002) and want everyone to do what they want? Tell me, again, what assembly tasked these things to the CMC (See also MUCK below)?”

Snookie: “The 2007 Assembly created the CMC, but hardly anyone expected this land-speed record for a takeover. In fact, I thought the RAO limited this committee. Anyone have any idea that this College of Cardinals would assume such radical proposals to itself? When the CMC (See MUCK below) was formed a few years back, weren’t we told that they would NEVER act like the GA Council of the PCUSA? How the Promises Become Dimly Forgotten.”

Pauly D: “That’s why one historian wrote so much about irony as an ecclesiastical dynamic. Often when a church forms, it has a clear goal but over time that fades. Churches that form to be conservative often end up being totally liberal. Isn’t it ironic? Like Ray-ye-ayne on your wedding day.”

Snookie: “Does it ever work the other way? Do liberal churches ever become totally conservative?”

Pauly: “Can’t name one, cookie. Who would have thought; it figures.”

Snookie: “Then, we should expect that leaders who were once firebrand conservatives will ‘grow in office’ like SCOTUS justices, and whereas they once were guardians they will inevitably become acolytes to progressivity?”

Tiger [entering]: “Hey, can you take your name off my phone? My wife’s on to us. I mean, can’t we keep our comments from being on YouTube or all over the internet?”

Dr. Temple: “We had hoped to, but once a video goes viral, you might as well claim that you wanted all that information out anyway. Also, it sure helps to have the irony described above on our side. Who would have thought that our Coordinators would receive so much help in this case from the former right wing.”

Snookie: “All to get a few seats at the table, I guess.”

WormTape: “Yes, and that table will be radically different.”

Lisa Marie: “How does the Grand Plan take us to those next steps?”

Dr. Temple: “Did you see my recent video? Anyway, we’re headed there. Ace, why don’t you suggest the way?”

Ace: “OK, Dr. Temple, so if we are to have these wimp zones, I mean safe places, we must have safe spaces and ‘Public forums at GA to test ideas without vote or risk’” (p. 19).

Barney: “Wasn’t that what Churchill did, put forth bold ideas that would have no risk?”

Carol: “No, silly, that was Chamberlain.”

Ace: “Whatever. But our guys won’t risk funding kickback or scaring the conservative base (which we know we’ll outgrow in 20 years anyway but can’t wait 20 months to do so). Our Too Timid Two® leaders do not want to say anything that will possibly not be slobbered all over by everyone.”

WormTape: “That’s why we want our hegemonic group to pick the issues, staff the issue briefers, keep any ugly comments out, have only sweet talk in this issues, and have forums that cross-pollinate globaliciously, and test new ideas—all without any rejection (remember, all we want is affirmation; never correction)—and make sure we have written guidelines (p. 19) to keep any criticism or negativity out of bounds.”

Carol: “And all this will be neatly handled by the Most Unanimous Cooperative Klatch (MUCK = CMC) in history, with the clerk and his committee to implement!”

Snookie: “Is ‘falsehood creep’ (p. 19) the weird guy down the hall?”

Ace: “And just the other side of the millennium’s dawning, then we’ll drill down to the next levels and our presbyteries will hold great abstract debates (to further lessen the impact of those Older Brother, credentialing Nazis and the business aspects), and we’ll even reconcile all things with ‘Leader churches, networks and presbyteries acting out of selfless desire to promote the progress of the church.’” (p. 20)

Snookie: “Amen; Hallelujah. Glory! Or is that ‘over-realized eschatology creep,’ another weird guy down the hall?”

WormTape: “On to the getting more seats at the table thingy-do. To be as truly impressive and majestic as we might be (as well as to further dilute the remaining traditionalists), we must get more votes for minorities, women, youth delegates, left-handed-one-eyed Puerto Ricans, and spank the globalicious target to ‘Unite our efforts with the Spirit’s movement in Global Church’” (p. 21).

Snookie: “I know the Holy Spirit can hardly wait for that.”

WormTape: “We really need to ‘Have contributions of women’ and the inexperienced to strengthen PCA ministry. Rather than elders, our new slogan replacing WHAM will be AMWD: ‘Any Moron Will Do.’ We must have each board and the Nominating Committee (p. 21) pushing this agenda.”

Ace: “And with our push for ABO (Anything But Ordained) ministry, we’ll have our standards for ‘voluntary certification’ (Few one will notice that oxymoron), and our emphasis on ‘specific non-ordained vocational ministries’ (p. 22). This will help get our women key places at the kitchen table. All we must do is ramrod this thing through Assembly (p. 22) this year, then we convene a ‘Joint meeting of CEP Women’s Ministries, Covenant College & Seminary Christian Ed Departments to design testing’ (p. 22), of course, to be paid for by the increased ‘grabbings.’”

WormTape: “This should ‘Make vocational ministry for women credible & viable in united church effort’ (p. 22), a huge priority for us anyway. Maybe this gospel issue is as important as the gospel; maybe it is the gospel.”

Barney: “Then we edge Women’s ministry into an organized union (p. 22).”

WormTape: “Almost home; hang in. Finally, to replace ordination by presbyteries we will create our own favorite Uber Committee to ‘Have a joint committee of Covenant Seminary, CEP, MNA and MTW [Ed: note, all OUR people] establish certification standards for non-traditional clergy preparation’ (p. 22). And don’t forget to have GA pre-approve that before anyone thinks too much, then gallop off.”

Ace: “How bout if we even further remove this from the lower support groups by appointing our own Czar (p. 23), who will coordinate this stuff and ‘Facilitate recognition of appropriate alternative credentialing programs by establishing standards for GA endorsement of all programs and seminaries by a joint committee of MNA, Covenant Seminary, CEP & MTW; these standards would advise presbyteries re appropriate alternative credentialing standards.’”

WormTape: “Ah; I’m feeling better already. Don’t you know our coordinators must love this? And will feel very safe.”

Snookie: “Guess so; they’re all on the same MUCK that concocted it.”

WormTape: “Then back to our now familiar triumphalism; we will then take over the world (call it ‘salting the world’ p. 24), and we’ll transform the culture, unify the church, participate in the most significant domination in history, and cure world hunger.”

Pauly D: “Thought at least a few of those were the job of God. But I underestimated how powerful our coordinators were.”

WormTape: “And we hire fundraisers galore and require all in the PCA to participate (read: pony up funds–(p. 24)) and act as if ‘Non-participants can have voice but without vote at GA’” (p. 24).

Ace: “This will surely ‘Create a denominational can-do spirit (p. 23) for God’s purposes, making zeal for being PCA infectious and inspiring for present & future generations.’ Rah, rah rhee, kick em in the knee. Rah, rah, ras, kick em in the other knee. Cheer it with me; ‘The PCA has Can-do Spirit, yes we do.’”

WormTape: “It all begins in June of this year (p. 24). Once we pass the concept, we are off and running. And by all means join with the EPC (that’s what the top of p. 26 is really all about, while punting the OPC and other goobs) to kill those confessionalist types once and for all.”

Ace: “That should do it.”

WormTape: “My work is nearly done here.”

Snookie: “Unless someone has a brain . . . or a heart. This plan passes only in Oz, or if Dorothy’s friends lack brains, hearts, or courage.”
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WormTape is a satirist and member of the Presbyterian Church in America.