While there will be no chancellor at the new private UWM, Carlos Santiago will remain head of the university. Instead of the retaining the chancellor title, Santiago will be ordained as a minister of whichever religion UWM chooses.

UW-Milwaukee is looking to the heavens to solve its financial woes.

Recently, UWM has been facing a budget deficit. In order to keep the school out of the red, there have been cuts in programs as well as freezes in the salary of faculty and staff.

The deficit is a result of a major cut in funding from state. The state only carries about 25 percent of UWM’s budget; thirty years ago, the university had state funding over 75 percent. When economic times are bad, money is cut, and when the economy improves the funding doesn’t return.

In anticipation of further cuts in the future, UWM is looking for a permanent solution.

“Becoming a private university just makes sense,” UWM Vice Chancellor Tom Luljak
said. “It seems inevitable that it will happen anyway.”

Transforming from a public university into a private university requires several decisions. The first step is determining the deity, or deities, to which the school will
dedicate itself.

As part of ongoing discussions with the faculty, Chancellor Carlos Santiago has created the “Monetary Efficiency in Education Koan,” (M.E.E.K.) to research which spiritual path
would be the best for UWM.

“There is a lot that goes into deciding which theological path the university adopts,” Professor of Theology/Economics and Chair of M.E.E.K. Constantine Heizenberg said. “We need to find which denomination will maximize our return.”

Editor’s Note: This editorial content is satirical and should not be taken seriously. It is merely printed in jest in celebration of April Fool’s Day.]