I would not be a youth pastor for all the money in Christendom. Like the common housefly, their life cycle is short. According to Barna, it was, as of September, about 8 minutes (okay not really). Here is a fascinating glimpse into why (drawn from real life experiences).

Dear Youth Dude: So glad you are here working at our church! We know you will do great. Johnny and Janie didn’t like the last guy. He tried hard, but he was so SERIOUS. I mean you would think their souls were at stake or something. We know you’ll do better.

Dear Parents: Thanks for the encouragement. I’ll do my best.

Dear Parents: I believe in a youth group on a different model. I want lots of parental involvement. I want YOU to be in on the planning of events. You know your kids better than I do, and what they like to do. More importantly, I think that older Christians are the best models our kids can have, so I invite you to come to our regular meetings. Believe it or not, our youth actually like adults. So come to our first planning meeting. Please RSVP….

(Crickets chirping for an extended, uncomfortably long period of time)….

Dear YD: We don’t mean to complain, but our youth group just isn’t as cool as the one at McMega Drive Big Church. Could we invest in black lights or something? If we don’t, we may just let Johnny and Janie go there. All 8,000 other kids from their high school do.

Dear Parents: I am sorry you feel that way. We don’t have the resources of McMega. I can promise you that I’ll love your kids, talk to them, know their names, and hopefully lead them to Jesus. I am not sure how black lights would help us accomplish that. I hope you’ll teach your kids that supporting their own church is more spiritually valuable than the FunLand over at McMega.

Dear YD: But can’t youth group be fun?

Dear Parents: Yes, it can be fun. I am not sure that black lights help make it fun. Or bouncy houses. Maybe we’ll do a treasure hunt?

Dear YD: I can’t believe you said that about bouncy houses. That was a cheap shot. You know we hired one of those for Jimmy’s birthday, and they loved it. Even the teens. Till they broke it. I am scheduling a conference with the pastor. We had such high hopes for you.

Dear YD: Well, thanks for telling us about the treasure hunt. NOT. Johnny and Janie didn’t know about it until it was too late –and thanks for scheduling it the night of their Kabuki dance rehearsal.

Dear Parents: Sorry you missed the announcements on the marquee, in the bulletin, your email, text, Facebook, MySpace, and tattooed on your children’s forehead (in reverse so they could read it in the mirror). I’ll try to do better next time.

Dear YD: I can’t believe you mentioned sex among our boy’s youth study group. I was waiting for the right time to talk to Johnny about it. Now he’s filled with questions. I am sure he is lusting because of what you said. That’s almost as bad as the time the pastor preached on homosexuality when Johnny was ten! I can’t believe the first time he heard about sexuality was in the church!!!

Dear YD: You’ve got to help us. I just found one of THOSE magazines under Johnny’s mattress. Please fix my kid. You’ve got to talk to him about sex. –Johnny’s Dad

Dear Dad, Well, if he has one of those magazines, he probably already knows about it. And weren’t you just complaining….? Never mind. Though I try to teach the youth Biblical sexual morality to our teens, I usually leave the anatomy and physiology up to the parents.

Dear YD: I can’t believe you let unbelievers come to the youth group. It is for covenant children! If one of those non-Christian girls corrupts Johnny, I know where you live.

Dear Parents –Johnny’s problem isn’t unconverted girls, it’s his own heart. Rest assured, I’ll monitor the situation. I think a lot of our covenant children are unconverted, and the church is supposed to be about winning the lost, right? Thanks for the warning, though. I’ll buy some new locks.

Dear YD: It’s one thing to win the lost, it’s another thing to have them in church!! We’ve done our best to raise Johnny the right way, and we are confident he is a Christian. Please fix my kid. We’re running out of time.

Dear Parents: Well, I hate to break bad news to you. I took Johnny to McDonald’s for a coke after football practice. I asked Johnny what he thought the gospel meant. He said “It means um going to church and knowing Jesus rose from the dead and um trying to be good and stuff.” Also, it is you who will stand before God and give answer for how you raised your son. You won’t find “youth dude” listed with any responsibilities anywhere in the Scriptures. (thinks to himself: Perhaps we need a parenting seminar…)

Dear YD: How dare you critique our parenting? I am thinking of lodging a complaint with the elders. Or talking about you behind your back. Definitely the latter. BTW, the girls in the youth group think your wife is SO square. And she can’t control them.

Dear Parents: Sorry you feel that way. Wish you would handle things Biblically, though.

Dear YD: How dare you accuse us of being un-Biblical?! Why can’t we get the right youth dude? IF we did, this church would GROW GROW GROW

Dear YD: I can’t believe you got on Johnny during youth group. I mean, it’s hard enough for us to get him to come to church without you yelling at him and embarrassing him in front of everybody.

Dear Parents: I don’t normally call out our young people down in front of others, but this was a difficult situation. Johnny was cussing out a 9th grader and starting to shove him into the wall. I needed to intervene.

Dear YD: Well, Johnny told us it wasn’t his fault. You can’t hold it against him just because he’s in 12th grade, 6’2″ and 195. I am sure that little twerp had it coming to him.

Dear YD: Why can’t you maintain discipline in the youth group? We heard about what happened. Why did we hire you, and agree to pay you subsistence wages with no benefits? We expected far more than this. Sincerely, the youth committee.

Dear YD: I have been volunteering with the youth group for over a year. I think I know how our kids think. It is obvious you don’t. I have a list of about 25 things you need to change. You are losing the kids. I am their friend and I know!!

Dear Church: I have found another position, and am leaving as soon as possible.

Dear YD: We are so sorry to hear that. Did something happen?

“Wanted: New Youth Dude –Awesome Church, Great Kids, Supportive Parents, Terrible Salary, No Benefits, Must connect with every kid, and make our church reach new levels of awesomeness.”

The author, who asks to remain anonymous but is known to the editorial staff of The Aquila Report, is a Teaching Elder in the Presbyterian Church in America. While there was once an Eleventh Presbyterian Church in Philadelphia, the church in this article is wholly fictional, although the caricatures are all too real.