So, yes, require an apology from your young child. Don’t let the fear of raising a liar keep you from training your children in the liturgy of repentance. Model what godly repentance looks like for them, train them faithfully in the language of forgiveness, and pray the Lord uses your words and example to bring about genuine repentance in their young hearts.

Parents frequently ask me if it is wrong to require their children to apologize when they are disrespectful or disobedient. Usually, they’re concerned that they might be training their child to lie. Wouldn’t it be better to wait for the child to apologize on his own when he feels genuine remorse, rather than to just repeat an apology he has been taught?

It is definitely commendable to want your child to speak and act only out of right motives. And yes, godly obedience goes beyond just saying the right words; godly obedience is right actions plus right motives, doing the right things for the right reasons.

But how is godly obedience instilled? How is it trained? The answer might surprise you. Unlike adults who typically learn by reasoning, young children learn by doing. Adults must usually be convinced a course of action is the correct one before they will pursue it. Children, on the other hand, learn to perform the correct action before they are developmentally able to assess the reason it is correct. Doing the right thing actually precedes understanding why it should be done.

Parents intuitively understand and employ this “training truth” with young children in many areas:

• We train them in the language of courtesy before they desire to be courteous (please/excuse me).
• We train them in the language of gratitude before they desire to be grateful (thank you).
• We train them in the language of respect before they desire to be respectful (ma’am, sir, Mrs., Mr.).
• We train them in the language of prayer before they desire to pray (“God is great, God is good,” the Lord’s Prayer).

In short, we teach our children the language they need to interact with others well before they have any real concept of why such language is necessary and good.

Because of this, I would answer the question “Should I require my child to apologize?” with an emphatic “Yes.” If we faithfully equip our children with the language of courtesy, gratitude, respect, and prayer, why would we not also equip them with the language of forgiveness? Is it not equally important for them to know? How would training them to apologize encourage them to lie any more than training them to say “thank you” before they are truly thankful? Isn’t it unloving to leave them verbally empty-handed when facing a situation where forgiveness needs to be sought?

Liturgical Child

Children are wonderfully liturgical creatures: they love repetition. This accounts for their ability to enjoy the same book or video over and over again, their attachment to a bedtime ritual or a particular pair of socks, their tendency to shout “again, again!” when they ride a carousel. Children are wired for repetition because repetition helps them learn.

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