I’d recommend this book to women who are young, naïve and/or in the habit of making consistently destructive choices when it comes to dating or evaluating potential suitors. (Editor’s Note: Dr. Ryan is a member of Covenant Presbyterian Church (PCA) in Harrisonburg, VA)
When I received a review copy of Ken Ryan’s Finding Your Prince in a Sea of Toads, the title intrigued me. It intrigued me because as director of a large ministry for young adults, I talk about this stuff every day. I get emails and Facebook posts from women who wonder why they’re still single or in a bad relationship or incapable of finding a guy who’s willing to step up and pursue them honorably.
They’re frustrated, which brings me to another reason the title intrigued me: I’m single, too. I’m one of the women Dr. Ryan cautions in his book; I’m a girl who has wondered if there’s a prince out there for her or if she’s destined to forever wade through the swamps with toads.
This book tries to accomplish many things. Written squarely for single women, it alternates between dispensing wisdom, wit and warning. The chapters are short and the subjects many – some are conversational asides written almost as stream of consciousness – which makes the experience of reading this book somewhat choppy and meandering. But Dr. Ryan tells us in the beginning that he’s going to tell it like it is (something I always appreciate), and in what he covers he does a good job of being straightforward.
Here’s what the book does well: It makes a good case for applying rational thought and moral character in the pursuit of lifelong love. The book is written for a general audience, so if you’re expecting biblical mandates and scripture texts, you’ll be disappointed. For the Christian, many of the book’s principles would be better understood through the lens of God’s specific design for marriage and relationship, whereas Ryan uses research, psychology, stats and studies as the basis for most of his claims. That said, the influence of his faith is felt throughout.
Over half the book focuses on sex: its purpose, power and misuse, and how it is the bargaining chip that women give up far too easily. Ryan paints a stark picture of the differences between men and women when it comes to their interpretation of sex. He reminds us that women equate sex with a strong emotional attachment while men have no trouble separating sex as a purely physical act. He also does a good job of detailing the slippery slope encompassing sexual activity and provides guidelines against getting to sex incrementally through poor decisions.
Other valuable insights that the book dispenses include the importance of seeking the objectivity of others for your relationship before it’s too late, the foolishness in looking for quality mates in questionable places like bars and clubs, and the dangers of squandering time on toads only to find that the princes have come and gone. The book also touches on male passivity, the pros and cons of online dating, and the art of communication in a relationship and how to master it.
The book makes a few missteps in its counsel, however. Some of them are borne out of sloppy word usage or definition, such as the use of the word “soulmate” (a personal pet peeve) and Ryan’s definition of a prince as “a guy who has enough good qualities to outweigh his bad qualities.” For the Christian, this definition rings woefully hollow. For the non-Christian, it leaves the standard far too open for interpretation. More specifics on the non-negotiable traits of a good marriage partner (integrity, commitment, ability to communicate, ability to protect and provide, ability to forgive), would’ve gone a long way in helping women navigate the murky waters of what makes a good husband.
The book’s dating guidelines are incredibly subjective. I was disappointed to see Ryan counsel women to date guys while telling them they’re “not interested in a relationship.” Not only does this keep things ambiguous, but what’s the point? Dating is, in my opinion, for the purpose of examining someone as a potential marriage prospect; it is not a sport or recreational activity. Of course it needs to be fun and low-pressure at first, but it must also be intentional.
Far too many young adults languish in pseudo- or “buddy” relationships, wasting time while one party (usually the female) develops an attachment only to discover that the guy wants to remain “just friends.” Guys who are interested in a woman romantically need to step up and declare themselves; women need to then give their answer with clarity and kindness. If you date, it’s really a date. If you’re just friends, you treat one another as any other brother or sister in Christ. Defining the relationship saves time, energy and ultimately, hearts.
Other suggestions such as saying you “have plans” in order to divert a man’s less-than-exciting date idea and instead suggesting something else, seem downright dishonest. Ryan does, however, provide a creative list of date activities that would be helpful for couples as they look for fun, unique and interactive things to do as they spend time together.
Overall, I’d recommend this book to women who are young, naïve and/or in the habit of making consistently destructive choices when it comes to dating or evaluating potential suitors. Again, the comprehensive look at the effects of sex on a relationship (and especially on the woman), is timely and helpful. The insight into a man’s mind is compelling (and at times amusing).
But for many women (especially Christian women), they will have to go beyond this book for some of their more frustrating challenges and questions. Not all men are toads, and I’d like to think that the number of toads in the church is even smaller. So why are so many Christian women struggling with protracted singleness? Maybe that will be the subject of Dr. Ryan’s next book.
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Lisa Anderson is the director of Boundless (www.boundless.org), Focus on the Family’s ministry for young adults on the path to maturity, marriage and family. She also hosts The Boundless Show, their popular weekly podcast. She leads the Boundless team in discussions on relevant issues, interviews authors, artists and other newsmakers, facilitates Q&A, and volunteers far too much information from her personal life. Lisa has appeared on numerous radio and TV programs and has been known to speak at national conferences wearing tall boots and a skull T-shirt. She graduated from Trinity International University in Chicago and has lived and worked everywhere from Paraguay to Capitol Hill. Lisa knows a disproportionate amount of hip-hop lyrics for a white girl, and loves Jesus, people, ideas and guacamole, in that order. She is also a member of Village Seven PCA in Colorado Springs, Colo.
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