WormTape #4

Diane: “OK, below are the talking points that you requested me to email to you from the AC. Please feel free to pass these (and only these) on to any supporters and pro-Agency people. The Planners believe that these should be heard exactly as they have written them. This document uses the terms ‘mission’ and ‘missional’ twice per page (should give a buzz to some), not even talking about foreign missions.”

Kim: “Thanks; will pass these on to my lunch crowd. I’ll print these out and start rehearsing. I think I’ll start with: ‘We intend by the labels below to be equal opportunity offenders, helping each group to understand its role in the PCA and how that group may be perceived by those with different animating values.’ (p. 6) We know so much that we can perfectly categorize all groups. Superior wisdom comes, thankfully, from watching YouTube and serving on the CMC. Hey, Dr. Temple. Glad you could meet me. And look, there’s Jim and Cal.”

Jim Spicey: “I’d just like to say that we will also fix all problems by referring things to the seminary and a few other committees. Also, don’t you love the ridiculous stereotypes on page 6? Hope no one begins to think our Grand Planners are outta touch from reading those. And don’t you think that the line about ‘by re-telling the narratives of past abuses in former denominations, demonizing denominational leadership or movements’ (p. 7) makes it very passé to criticize us? Members may be so quick to show that they’re not demonizing us . . . that we may get angelized! I think we should thank Dr. Temple for that great strategy.”

Dr. Temple: “Or as one who likes to ‘dispel despair,’ I find myself saying that our early ‘debates both clouded understanding of our mission and inhibited cooperative participation in it’” (p. 3).

Tiger: “Hey, I need a favor: can you take your name off my phone? Also, instead of WHAM (We have a mission), isn’t it WHAPG (We have a power grab)? Or is it WHAM-G (We have a money grab)? So glad we never have to pay attention any longer to the adolescent phase of knowing what it means to be true to the Reformed faith. We’re so advanced.”

Cal: “Another plank I like is: ‘In order for those of us in the PCA to see beyond self-interests and to be willing to work cooperatively despite differences in our animating values, we must have a renewed sense of SHOW ME THE MONEY’ (p. 7). I mean, collective mission.”

Barak O: “Yes we can; yes we can.”

Tiger: “How long do you think it took our brain trust to come up with those 25 jaw-dropping trends on pages 10-11? Man, these guys are joking geniuses. I’m glad we paid them so much to come up with what we could have found on any USA TODAY. Mercy! See again, the 18 dazzling points on pages 13-14.”

Kim: “As I exegete our culture, I often repeat: ‘With God’s blessing our efforts can truly be culturally transformative’ (p. 12). I think I’ll run for President, if our theologia Gloria doesn’t totally triumph by June 1. Lookout culture, here we come. The PCA will transform . . . the WORLD. Sing with me: ‘I’m too transformative for my shirt, too transformative for my pants, too trans-form-a-tive.’”

Charlie: “I’m just so glad to see my favorite terms again: Builders, Boomers, Busters, Gen-Xers, Millennials, Orioles Fans. Woooohooo.”

Dr. Temple: “Whoa there, big guy. We should keep chanting about our true humility. Our mantra, remember is: “As jars of clay [plug the music group], we should expect that our efforts will sometimes be flawed. . . . God will use us as we seek to serve him in humility and repentance. True humility will require . . .” (p. 12) blah, blah, blah. Again, we’re so broken, so humble, so messy that we wanna . . . RULE THE WORLD. By grace, of course. It’s a gospel-centered world domination that we prefer.”

Tiger: “Or else, we’ll run over you at the assembly this year! Wait Schmait. Can’t we just cut to the chase and have the 8% of churches with over 500 members become the only voters at assembly and the only deciders? Or might we not take the handful of Key Innovator Churches (p. 16) and just do all like they do? Isn’t that the kind of servant-leadership you are espousing?”

Jim Spicey: “Shut-up. You didn’t win the Masters. I especially like the caricature (p. 13) that lionizes our youth brigade, euphemistically styling youthaterians as ‘desiring mentors and shared leadership with peers’ [awwww, how sweet) and older pastors as ‘desiring authority’ (those power mad old dogs).”

Dr. Temple: “And it’s so limiting and old-fashioned to think: ‘The vast majority of people who attend our churches are drawn to the PCA because of the belief that we are committed to proclaiming the truth of Scripture’ (p. 16). We sure wouldn’t want that taught in our seminaries.”

Cal: “One of my favorite parts of the Grand Plan is the call for those ’‘safe places” (p. 17). Lord knows how abused we’ve been for the past few years. Why, even when Dr. Temple took to the floor a few years back, the assembly didn’t follow him. And his feelings were badly bruised, critically wounded. We can’t let this happen again. We’re far too tender and delicate.”

Tiger: “Maybe you ought to talk in an empty room. That’s pretty safe and free from recrimination. Shall we provide 300 empty rooms for our tender-nick leaders?”

Kim: “Aw, Tiger, that crushed me. Really hurt. However, since I’m gonna be back on MSNBC’s Morning Joe show again, I think that we can pull this off with one more round of that ‘servant leadership’ stuff. Hey, Tiger, can you get some of my ‘unsafe’ quotes off the internet while you’re getting some names off your phone?”

Cal: “If we get more voting privileges for ‘younger leaders, women, and ethnic leaders’ (p. 17), we can carry the day. Or maybe we’re on to something, if we count only those who pay to vote. Hey can MTW, MNA, and RUF pay for all their folks to vote and just leave the smaller churches out?”

Dr. Temple: “Yes, if you leave it all to the seminary and a few other committees. Just protect me from letting anyone, ever, ever criticize my tender feelings. I can’t bear to make a speech on the floor and not be acclaimed. Waaaaahhhhhhhh.”

Jim Spicey: “Don’t worry; our plan makes sure we control things by having the ‘CMC identify up to 5 potential issues each year . . . with the final topic voted on in bySight online . . . and have the CMC further control by picking the forum moderator to enforce guidelines’ (p. 19).”

Dr. Temple: “Whew, I feel safer already. Pravda rarely did better. As long as our people control things, I can speak safely, especially if we have the youngsters—you know how I think the next generation will straighten things out as I stated last summer—in the room to help us with the voting. They’ll not learn discernment for a while.”

Cal: “Still, my favorite part is the ‘Responsible’ column on pages 19-25 that allows the same crack brain trust who voted unanimously for this crock to control all facets of implementation. This document recognizes how dangerous it might be to let non-experts make these decisions. Think anyone will notice how often the same small group which knows everything will order everyone else around the room, while asking them to pay more for that privilege?”

Tiger: “One of the more stunning discoveries—let’s give credit where credit is due and speak of the positive threads in this—is, ‘The world in the Northern Hemisphere and in the twenty-first century is no longer the world of the sixteenth-century.’ (p. 27) I had no idea. And is the Cold War (p. 28) really over? Wow-wee.”

Tiger’s girlfriend #7: “And how much is it going to cost to fly in and lodge in hotels non-agreeing parties to sing Kum Ba Yah around a campfire? (p. 20) No wonder we have to pay more.”

Barak O: “Takes my breath away. Wish I’d thought of that. Much less, imagine paying for travel expenses and honoraria for ‘ethnic and global leaders to address assemblies, presbyteries and churches.’ (p. 21) We have all the money in the world.”

Diane: “I may agree with this quote on p. 2 of the Plan: ‘When everything is wrong the perceived enemy is not change but rather the leadership (past or present) that allowed this hopeless situation to develop.’ Maybe in June and November some house cleaning is needed. That’s change we can believe in.”

WormTape: “This was a real easy, column to write. No one should take umbrage at non-fiction.”
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WormTape is a satirist and member of the Presbyterian Church in America.