I’m not saying we ought to hate ourselves, although, honestly, I think we’re better erring on that side than the other. And I’m not saying we should have “low self-esteem.” I’m saying we should forget about our self-esteem altogether. Whether your self-esteem is “low” or “high,” whether you love yourself or are merely “working on loving yourself,” it’s all poison because it’s all an excuse to be self-obsessed. We’ve caved in on ourselves, like dying stars, and we’re sucking our spouses and our children into the black hole of our megalomania.

I have no self-esteem. If you asked me to rank the people for whom I have the highest esteem, I doubt I’d make the top 20 of my own list. Maybe I could crack ten thousand, but I keep meeting or reading about people who are better than me in so many ways, consequently I plummet further down the charts. I’m actually very happy about this, luckily I’m not the best thing that humanity has ever produced, and God help us if all the better people die off and leave me at the top of the heap.

That said, I don’t dislike myself, I don’t have a problem with my self-image, I don’t have low self-esteem. I’m saying I have NO self-esteem, for the same reason that I have no pet unicorns. Self-esteem is a nonsensical fantasy. It’s a false Gospel. It’s a meaningless fabrication that exists only in your imagination. It’s a modern doctrine invented by the prophets of new age psychology. It’s the Good News proclaimed by the apostles of the Religion of Self. Worst of all, the pursuit of this elusive self-esteem elixir leaves everyone empty, confused, and, ironically, unhappy and hating themselves.

I’m no genius (or maybe I am a genius who thinks he’s not a genius because he has low self-esteem), but I sniffed the stench of bull crap on this “self-esteem” cult back in elementary school. I remember the first time we learned about the term. The guidance counselor handed out a work sheet and asked us to “rate” our self-esteem on a scale of 1 to 10. As a side note, it bears contemplating the geopolitical relevance of this scene: while we were sitting in class, talking about our feelings, kids in China were learning silly things like “math” and “science.” Now, years later, we’re bankrupt and they own the country. But at least we all feel pretty good about ourselves.

In any case, there we were, facing the important task of arbitrarily quantifying our egos. Most of my fellow classmates jotted down nines and tens. Incidentally, some of them would grow up to be unemployed alcoholics, but I’m guessing if they could retake that test, they’d score themselves exactly the same. I, on the other hand, felt a bit confused by the assignment. I raised my hand: “My mom and dad told me that we’re supposed to be humble, so can I be humble and also give myself a 10?” I wasn’t trying to be combative; I was honestly perplexed. At home, my parents always told us that God wants us to have humility, and discipline, and respect. I didn’t remember them ever telling me about the part of the Bible that mentions this “self-esteem” thing.

My guidance counselor quickly clarified. He informed me that, yes, you can have maximum self-regard and ALSO be a pillar of unassuming humility. You can think highly of yourself and still be humble — best of both worlds! Wow! I’m awesome because I know I’m awesome, and because I’m humble! Nobody’s more humble than me. I’m the most specialist and humblest kid on Earth!

I bought into that notion for a while, and it sure felt great to be great for no reason. But then, when I was a little older, I decided to pull out a dictionary and fact check my guidance counselor.

Humility: Modest opinion or estimate of one’s own importance.

Esteem: To regard highly or favorably; regard with admiration.

Hmmm. Admiration. Self-admiration. I can admire myself, and regard myself highly, while also regarding myself modestly? Admire myself? If someone asked me who I “admire,” I can answer “myself,” and still fit the humility bill? Can I chug a bottle of Hershey’s syrup while also exercising self control? Can I be a pathological liar while also being a person of integrity? Incredible. Now, can I head north to sound the trumpet of my own superiority, while also heading south to do the same?

Answer: Yes on all counts, if I have enough self-esteem. Self-esteem makes anything possible, much like LSD or cocaine. Self-esteem is, after all, just a code word for self-delusion. Apologists will claim that self-esteem is simply a matter of confidence, but if self-esteem is confidence then why don’t we just call it confidence? Because, although they sometimes bear similar-looking fruit, they stem from vastly different roots. Or, I should say, confidence has roots, whereas self-esteem lays on top of the soil, grounded in nothingness. A student should only be confident about a test if she studied for it. An athlete should be confident on the field if he practiced, and if he has talent. A singer should only be confident in her abilities if she, in fact, has abilities, and if she then works diligently to fine tune them. Confidence, in other words, is earned. The word “confident” is usually followed by the words “in,” “about,” or “because.” Rational, reality-based confidence is necessary, and we often need to call upon it to overcome fear and doubt. On the other hand, confidence without reason could be defined as self-esteem, as self-esteem is something conjured out of thin air. Confidence exists for a reason. Self-esteem is because it is, and requires no justification for its own existence. The person with “high self-esteem” (also known as a “narcissist”), feels that he need not answer any questions about it, which is beneficial considering he can’t answer any questions about it.

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