The couples who endure with joy are most often the couples who embrace one another as a complex bundle of strengths and weaknesses, helps and hurts, joys and sorrows, and who set their expectations for marriage accordingly. They are each more concerned with their own holiness than their spouse’s, each quicker to embrace an opportunity to overlook a sin than to confront one, each eager to forgive in the ways they’ve been forgiven by God.

God’s purpose in marriage is not to make us happy but to make us holy. Or so we have all been told. The truth is more complicated, of course, and I’m quite certain God means for marriage to cover both. The old Anglican liturgy says marriage “was ordained for the mutual society, help, and comfort, that the one ought to have of the other, both in prosperity and adversity.” I like that—fellowship, help, and comfort. Those words seem to cover it all.

When we think of the ways that marriage can make us holy, we probably imagine scenarios that are peaceful and proactive. We imagine sitting side by side to study God’s Word together or gathering our family around the dinner table to read, pray, and sing. Perhaps we imagine our spouse bringing a gentle word of rebuke to address a sin we haven’t yet spotted or, if spotted, haven’t yet acknowledged and dealt with. And hopefully, all of these are part of a Christian marriage! Yet what we probably don’t imagine is the more difficult ways that marriage will provide the opportunities to become holy.

Husband, you will have the opportunity to grow in holiness as your wife behaves immaturely, as she responds with outrage instead of grace or with anger instead of patience. You will witness her act unfairly toward you and ungraciously toward your children. She may go through stretches of time when she grows complacent about sanctification and decides to let sin just run its course in parts of her life. And all the while you will need to determine how you will respond, how you will continue to bear with her flaws, how you will meet sin with love.

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