…you know what your children know? They listen through the door. Did you know that? Your children eavesdrop on you. They hear your yammering away and fussing with each other. They hear you when you cuss each other behind the bedroom door.  Yeah, they hear that stuff, and they chalk it up. They are just hypocrites. You are just hypocrites. Your children see your hypocrisy

Text:  Malachi 2:10-16 (ESV)

10. Do we not all have one Father? Did not one God create us? Why do we profane the covenant of our ancestors by being unfaithful to one another?

11. Judah has been unfaithful. A detestable thing has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem: Judah has desecrated the sanctuary the Lord loves by marrying women who worship a foreign god. 12. As for the man who does this, whoever he may be, may the Lord remove him from the tents of Jacob — even though he brings an offering to the Lord Almighty.

13. Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14. You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

15. Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.

16.“The man who hates and divorces his wife, ” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. “So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.”

III. Success in the Purposes of Marriage Depends on God’s Grace.

III. A. We Must Pray with Humility.

Now, again, I realize that only the Holy Spirit can produce the new birth, and conversion is the fruit of the Holy Spirit, and that repentance is the gift of God and so is faith, but God has given you an enormous tool to that end, and that is your knees, as you get on your knees and get on your face before God. As you forget your rags of self-righteousness, and you cast yourself on God’s mercy in Christ and plead with God to touch and change the hearts of your children, God delights to hear and answer those prayers.

You know, when our children were young, and we now have 15 descendants — five children and 10 grandchildren so far — but here is the deal: when my children were young, people all thought that our children were wonderful. They were well behaved. They were polite children. I mean, they were full of energy, but they were obedient children. And then, when they started using deodorant — I don’t know what that chemical is — but then the genealogy of their daddy, more than the genealogy of their mother kicked in, and some of them became little hellions. You know, it is just amazing!

And I think of this. As a pastor — and I served as pastor of a Presbyterian Church in the late 1960s, so I have been doing this a long time and listening to a lot of people — I am always amazed at people whose children have not yet reached the age of 20 going on about how to raise children. I want to tell you, you are a fool, if you think that you are going to be successful by this technique or that technique. I am telling you. I am going to tell you one technique, and the only technique I know: it is on your knees because all is vain unless the Spirit of the Holy One comes down.

And I am going to tell you — as much as you try to be a good example to your kids and pray with your children and teach them Bible stories and all these other things — you know what your children know? They listen through the door. Did you know that? Your children eavesdrop on you. They hear your yammering away and fussing with each other. They hear you when you cuss each other behind the bedroom door.

Yeah, they hear that stuff, and they chalk it up. They are just hypocrites. You are just hypocrites. Your children see your hypocrisy. You are a hypocrite. I am a hypocrite.

That is a good kind of therapy: “I am a hypocrite. You are a hypocrite.” And so, therefore, you are driven to your knees: “Oh, God, please don’t let my children be like me.” I mean, really, once you become self-aware, you begin to pray that prayer.

“Lord, I was a terrible child.” I really was. I was a nice little kid. People thought I was going to be a preacher when I was a little kid. They were bragging on me, this, that and the other. My mother told me I was going to be a preacher. And then I became an Atheist. Seriously, I believed myself to be an Atheist. I mean, don’t most Atheists believe themselves to be Atheists, but none of them really are. But I believed myself to be an Atheist and I sowed my wild oats. And occasionally my Atheism gave out, and I prayed for crop failures.

But anyhow, here is the deal: parenting is about humility before God and casting yourself on God’s mercy in Christ. And do you know what? The older I get, the older my children get, now that I have got children in their 40s. Wow. And I watch them with their children. And I start thinking about it. I say, “You know, Lord, the sins of the father are visited on the children to the third and fourth generation.” Wow. “But, Lord, I don’t hate you. I love you.” But I see those patterns and I have come back to one thing. Yes, you should follow biblical admonitions about how to raise children, but it is about humility. All the promises of God are secure to you in Jesus Christ, not because you have been good and faithful.

But do you see the purpose of marriage, this third pillar? And if we forget the third pillar, then here we have a problem. Here is where America is today, and I am not trying to make anybody feel uncomfortable. As I say, I deserve to go to hell. I have broken God’s commandments. I have incurred his wrath for my sins, but here is where it is. When I was a kid, raised in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, which was among all the places in South Carolina, the loosest, because it was a resort town. It was 6000 people when we moved there. We had prayer in the public schools. We had Bible reading and Bible study in the public schools. And I only knew one child in the entire 12 years that I was in the public schools of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina — I only knew one child whose parents were divorced.

“Are you kidding me?” No, I am not kidding you. That is the truth. I am not saying that every child there that I did … I am not say that that is the case of every child that was in those … in that school, those 12 years I was there. I am saying that it was a matter that was viewed as something you don’t talk about.

Again, I am not trying to make anyone feel bad. But I have got to get you to the Cross. And the only way to get you to the Cross is to take you to Mount Sinai first. And so what I want you to understand is that we are very hypocritical at this point as a nation, opposing gay marriage, though I think we absolutely have to oppose gay marriage. But we are hypocritical, when we are soft on adultery, soft on fornication and easy on divorce with no fault. Why? Because marriage is a blood covenant. The breaking of a blood covenant brings a blood curse, and the only way to get rid of a blood curse is the shedding of blood.

III. B. God Has Provided the Solution to our Failures.

Now I want to tell you why this is good news. This is good news because there is blood available, the blood of Jesus. And all you need to be right with God is the blood of Jesus. I don’t care what you have done. I don’t care how much you have messed up. I don’t care how many commandments of God you have broken and how many times you have broken them. The blood of Jesus, God’s Son, cleanses us from all sin (1 John 1:8).

But, you see, the problem with preachers is they don’t really preach the law because they don’t want people mad at them. And then they really don’t preach the gospel because they don’t have a gospel that addresses itself to man’s deadly need, which is the contamination of the guilt of sin.

Now I want you to notice something else here. Verse 16: “For the LORD God of Israel says that he hates divorce” (Malachi 2:16).

Why does God hate divorce? Well, he hates divorce because divorce involves what? A violent act that breaks a blood covenant. Notice he “covers ones garment with violence.” But he also hates divorce because he loves people. God loves people. He loves you. He doesn’t want you to suffer. He doesn’t want you to suffer. He doesn’t want you to go through the hell of divorce. And listen, make no mistake about it: as I have sat with hundreds of people who have gone through these things, as I have held the hands of people and had them weep with me, I am telling you that God hates divorce because he loves people. He doesn’t want you to suffer.

And if you have been divorced, he wants to heal you, and you need healing, and you will never get healed until you acknowledge how you got where you are.

You see, here is the dilemma for me as a pastor. I have a medicine that can cure whatever is wrong with you. But you are not willing to take that medicine until you see that you are really sick and the nature of your sickness. And once you see it, then you can flee to Jesus. Once you acknowledge it, then you can be cleansed. Once you see your need of him, he will cleanse you.

III. C. Guard Your Heart.

And I will say that God hates divorce because he loves children. It always impacts children. Believe me. I have seen it in my own family. And so God then says something here not once, but twice. Look at what he says. He says in verse 16: “Therefore take heed to your spirit” (Malachi 2:16).

Wow. Look back at verse 15: “But did He not make them one, Having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit” (Malachi 2:15).

Verse 15 says, “Take heed to your spirit.” Verse 16 says, “Take heed to your spirit.” Why do you have to take heed to your spirit? Because you can fall in love today. I am not joking with you. Doris Day was a liar. She sang that popular song in the 50s: “When I fall in love, it will be forever.”

Well, that is nonsense. I remember when I fell in love. It was in February of 67, in a college fellowship group, and I looked down, and I saw the other end of the hymnbook. I really had not noticed her until that moment. It had not registered with me that I had sat next to a girl. And part of the reason is I am always thinking. I am always pondering something in my head, and so that is why my wife doesn’t like me to drive because she said, “You start thinking and you slow down.” And my wife likes to drive very fast. And so cruise control has been a boon.

But I was absorbed in thought, pondering something and running things through my memory bank and sorting little facts in their order. And then all of a sudden, I am singing, standing up, and we are singing out of a hymnbook, and I look near at hand. I looked, and it was a woman’s hand. So I followed the hand up to the face. “I saw her face, now I’m a believer.”

Later, I touched her “arms and my hands grew strong like a pair of birds that burst with song. My eyes looked down at her lovely face” (allusions to love songs). Anyhow, I am not going there.

“Take heed to your spirit.” Why? Because the magic of falling in love never lasts. I love my wife. I can even say I am in love with her most of the time. But it requires effort on my part to be in love with my wife, as it requires effort on her part to be in love with me because it is that magic, it is that cultivation of romance that grows out of a commitment to love.

Back in 1981, Merrill, you and I were smuggling Bibles into China, right? That was a long time ago. It is coming up on 30 years. It has been over 30 years. Is that right? Was it 1981? Wow. We are old, Merrill. And there was a fellow traveling with us, a Catholic priest by the name of Mike Manning. Mike Manning had a TV broadcast from out of California, and he would interview famous people sometimes who were Christians. He interviewed Ricardo Montalban. You remember “Fantasy Island.” And he asked. He said, “Mr. Montalban, you have been married for x number years to your wife. It is over 40 years.” He said, “What is the secret of the longevity of your marriage, particularly in Hollywood?”

And he says, “Every day, I choose to love my wife.” And that is how the priest said that to me. It sounds just like Ricardo Montalban. “Every day I choose to love my wife.”

See, that is the love that the Bible is talking about. Now, here is the reason why you choose. You choose to love your wife every day because you can’t raise godly kids without doing that. And that is part of taking heed to your spirit. Do you see what happens when you don’t?

I first became a police chaplain in 1973 in Wichita, Kansas. I learned something. When you put a man and a woman in a patrol car where they are at risk and in danger constantly and throughout the day, they are pulled together. And let me tell you how “good people” commit adultery. It is not said tongue-in-cheek. It is “good people.” That is people like you. Okay? Moral people, people who want to pay attention to marriage vows. Here is how it works. It works like this.

The wife has gotten a new hairdo, and the husband doesn’t notice it. I am not asking for a show of hands here. I don’t want to start something. But the husband didn’t notice the hairdo or the new clothes or whatever it was or the new make up or whatever, but she goes to work, and a guy at work notices it: “Wow! You look terrific. Have you lost 20 pounds?”

Well, that really goes over well, you know.

“Are you really what your driver’s license says, 50? I would have sworn you were 35.”

You know, remember the flatterer spreads a net for your feet (Proverbs 29:5). But what happens is there are these little things that happen in the home and a person’s being treated indifferently. But then at work somebody is treating you special.

And maybe you are a guy and a woman says, “Oh, wow, your wife is the luckiest woman.”

“Really? Really? You think my wife is lucky? You think I am a good catch?” You know? Wow! Let’s see. You know, and then you go blind and take your glasses off. You think, “I am!” You are so good… really?

You know, and, see, because we are all insecure. And what happens is it begins in little ways. And let me tell you, the fundamental motivation of a man in an affair initially is not sex; it is protection. Men by nature are protective and so when a woman begins to talk about her husband and the trouble she is having and how he doesn’t appreciate her and how he is unkind and this, that and the other. He is just a clod just like all men, and that kind of thing, what happens is his protective instinct reaches out, and he tries to protect. And it isn’t long before it has led to the full-fledged deal.

So what is he saying? If you understand the three purposes of marriage — companionship, avoiding sexual immorality and raising godly children — that takes work. That takes sacrifice. And you understand you have got to control yourself. And what do you control? You will never control your actions until you learn to control your heart.

One of the great blessings of counseling several hundred people who have committed adultery, and the blessing is that I have vicariously experienced their pain and suffering, and it scared me to death. I know the path they are on, and I know as soon as the thought arises in my head — and, of course, the thought has arisen in my head. Hmm. And it is not just sexual in nature. It is like, oh, you know, “She is such a spiritual person. We should pray together regularly.”

Beware of prayer partners. And I am so aware of the pain and the torment and the hell that is unleashed on earth in people’s lives with suffering that — I am not boasting here because, God forbid, I don’t want to be a fool and boast, but I am so terrified of adultery that by God’s grace I attempt to always nip it in the bud when the thought comes flying through the head, as Satan, you know, loves to fire those fiery darts at you — not to entertain it. When the wrong DVD gets in the player, we can always push the eject button in the name of Jesus and not let it lodge there.

III. D. The Church Is Here for You; We Are All Part of Sinners Anonymous.

So here is the thought. I am going to give you an invitation. You may want to come forward during the singing of this last hymn, and it has nothing to do with your marriage or getting ready to get married or anything else. You just have a need for somebody to pray with you. We will be here. We will pray with you. And you don’t have to come down here to be prayed for. You can be prayed for right where you are, because we will pray in a general way. But if you are here today, and you are convicted, I don’t want you going out of here ashamed. Shame is of the devil.

How do you get rid of shame? You just come to Jesus and you say to him — and you can do it right where you are. You don’t have to come down the aisle. Just say — “Lord, you know, I am convicted. I have really messed up in my life, and I am asking you for the sake of Jesus that you would forgive me. Just forgive me. Please, Lord.”

Cast yourself on God’s mercy in Christ. There is nothing you have done God can’t forgive you for. That is why Jesus suffered violence, and his garments were ripped off him in a violent act, when he took the curse that I deserve and you deserve. Won’t you come to him?

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Bob Vincent has served for over 36 years as Pastor of Grace (formerly Jackson Street) Presbyterian Church (EPC) in Alexandria, Louisiana.  This is taken from a sermon he preached on September 25, 2011, and is used with his permission.