Pastor Robertson, who remains on a ventilator in ICU in hospital in Dundee, Scotland may not be able to vocalize words, but it has not kept him from writing these words. He serves as Pastor of St. Peters Free Church in Dundee and is a frequent speaker in the US and Europe.

(Editor’s Note: For those who have not read or heard about his hospitalization, the story is here.)

Ninewells Hospital Dundee – Friday 21st October 2011 – 1:30pm

I know that this will seem really strange, unwise and even an exploitative thing for me to do just now. A ‘blog’ from a hospital bed is not exactly an original thing; I should be concentrating on getting better not wasting precious recovery time writing something which will take me twice as long because of the disorientation caused by my illness; and it can seem self-centred and self-indulgent. It is a peculiar aspect of our self-focused lives that we think that anyone is really that interested in our particular stories.

And yet it is precisely for these latter reasons that I have to write this. Let me explain.

I am living in what seems like a kind of dream world at the moment – a world in which because of the hallucinogenic effects of some of the drugs I am using at the moment – it becomes increasingly difficult to distinguish reality from illusion. But the cold simple facts are this – last Wednesday night I had a rough night and so went to the doctor who promptly sent me to Ninewells – where suspecting a heart attack, I was given a dose of aspirin, before eventually being sent home with suspected gastritis.

I was concerned because Claire and Steve were getting married on Friday, I was due to do an outreach at Greenock Baptist Church on Saturday, Luis Palau was due to preach in St Peters on Sunday and then myself and Annabel were to head to Athens for a week of ministry at the Athens Bible College – to teach Persuasive Evangelism on the original Mars Hill was a thrilling prospect. And yet none of it was to be.

During the night on Thursday I found myself on the bathroom floor, thinking nothing of it…it was just a faint! Went ahead and did the wedding of Claire and Stephen which was beautiful, creative and Christ centered. I did however come out in a cold sweat throughout the service and as a result told Annabel to drop me off at home on way to the reception at St Andrews. And then Andrew stepped in and spoilt everything! He had forgotten Claire’s iPod and had to stop at the church to pick it up. We did. And the ten minutes it took to do that saved my life. I began to feel unwell and got out of the car.

Annabel told me to go into the Health Centre besides the car – I said no, then began to go, before collapsing vomiting blood – through both mouth and nostrils (sorry for the graphic details!). I came to fairly quickly and told medical staff that I was ok and would just go home and lie down. They laughed and told me not to be stupid. Jared Cordner, one of our accountancy students had already called the ambulance.

In the ambulance I was told (not for the first time over this weekend) that I was a very lucky person. My normal blood pressure is usually too high – in the ambulance it became really low because of severe internal bleeding. Overnight things got worse.

I had three endoscopies. I can now confirm that all the reports you have read of these are true. They involve a small cable camera being passed in to the stomach through your throat. These discovered that I had two bleeding ulcers at the bottom of my stomach and a further blockage at the top. Surgeon Shimei – a lovely man from Saudi Arabia (who now owes me a bottle of wine because I guessed his nationality) then decided to operate immediately.

I, of course, have no recollection of any of this, except some wonderful short conversations with Dr Shimei, a very impressive anaesthetist whose name I cannot recall, and Dr John Ellis who is yet another reminder to me, that along with Christ, we are graciously given all things.

Since last Saturday I have learned many things, some of which I hope to share with you over the next few blogs. Perhaps I can close this one with these two thing:

Firstly unless you have been through this it is almost impossible to get any idea of how completely disorientating and debilitating such an illness is. Most people can grasp something of the seriousness of it, but will struggle to understand the other parts. I know that this is not a dream from whence I will return to some kind of normality – this is reality but it is a different and strange reality, manifested for example in the fact that it took me almost three hours to write 900 words – something which I could easily have done in 30 minutes.

There is also the ‘reality’ that there are things I now ‘remember’ which are demonstrably not true, and yet which are so embedded in my psyche that when I discover they are not, leave me with a sense of loss (for example it was a shock for me to discover that this had not happened to me before!).

The final lessons of reality are to do with why and for whom I am writing this blog.
Firstly it is for myself – a kind of reflective self-therapy – not I hope of the kind of navel gazing which once more puts myself at the centre of my own wee Universe, but rather one which enables me to see my part in a far greater and more wonderful Cosmos than I could ever have imagined.

Secondly there is the reality of family, in which the family is much more than just a convenient societal arrangement for the raising of children, redistribution of finances and sexual services. Family includes all of this (although expressed in a much more profound way) but includes a lot more. Human beings are relational beings – events like my collapse test the extent and depth of those relationships. I have never appreciated every thing about my family – who does?

It is our families who frustrate, annoy and wind us up more than any one. And yet they are essential – all of us have families in some form or other. I have really appreciated the visits from my sister Fiona, my brother Brian and phone calls from brother John. And of course the visits of my ever reliable and loving parents have been a real boost. We are in general not an over touchy/feely family (and I am not critiquing those who are), but we don’t need to be.

But of course I left and cleft. This clearly does not mean my old family relationships are gone – but it does mean I have new ones – and these new ones also change the old ones. My three children are each incredibly precious and unique in this situation. My oldest son, Andrew, has been in the process of turning into one of the godliest and intelligently passionate young men I have ever known.

And I am not just speaking as a proud father when I say that – it is way beyond that. If Robin Sydserff and the folks at St Catherines Argyll can continue to disciple and train more young men like Andrew, there is real hope for the future of the Church in this nation. That’s clearly the macro-vision, the micro is a beautiful part of that macro. I ask Andrew to pray for me, not because I think it is a good thing for him to do, nor because it will help me, though both are true. But rather because it is wonderful for his father to hear the incense of his prayers rise as incense before his Father.

I also really miss Becky. She is my psychological twin. Sorry Becky! I have so much I want to say to her – hopefully before heaven! You will just have to come over to here in person!

And EJ – there is not a single day that you have been on this earth that you have not brought me joy – even the thought of seeing you this afternoon is keeping me going through a tough morning. And you have the bonus of having the good looks and intelligence of your father…..But it is the beauty and joie de vivre of your character really makes you.

Again at a depth that I have never known before this event has demonstrated the love that both Annabel and I have for one another. I have never loved anyone like this beautiful woman of God. Sure she has many faults – but one of her great qualities is that she does not excuse them and she applies practically her superb theological knowledge. I was going to apologise for saying that it takes an event like this to show to me the extent of our love – but that would be wrong. It does take such an event to show in this way.

Which leads on to that other family– the Church. It is again a cliché but the events of this week have again shown me the strength and blessings of the local, national and international church. Yes I know that all Christians love one another – but it is really nice to ‘know’ that in practice. Every single letter, text, card and e-mail is appreciated. I have especially loved the ones from the children…thanks guys….and keep praying for me! I will have to take you all out to The Ice Cream Parlour with me when I get better!

I don’t have time to say anything about friendships just now – perhaps I will just leave that until another blog. But meanwhile I leave you with this final thought – friendship, families, and the future, past and present of the cosmos are met and fulfilled in Christ. As I lie in a hospital bed, unable to eat, walk, toilet or even breathe without assistance.

That is not a bad place to be.

Your Junior Pastor,
David