This desire and longing is the natural longing instilled at Creation by virtue of God having created woman from man (Genesis 2:21-22). This means that woman will naturally long to return to man, just as man longs to be one with his Creator. This Creation Longing is now to become the source of her frustration, frustrated by her husband’s natural selfishness to be her owner, seeking his self-gratification at the expense of her humanity.

The corrected interpretations of “desire” in Genesis 3:16 (paper Part 1) illuminates the story of Genesis 4 – 6: Every selfish, Narcissus-like father is the archetype of sin for his family, instilling sinful selfishness for generation after generation to come.

Genesis 4 — 6 delivers the message of CHOICE: choose to be “good” (godly disciple making) parents, raising godly children like Abel and Seth; or choose to be “bad” (narcissistic, ownership) parents raising children in the image of the archetype for sin, Cain.

THE BIG PICTURE

Overview: The “Big Picture” begins with Genesis 1:28-30, the Covenant of Works,[1] the Blessing God bestowed upon of his children at their creation. Purpose: “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it” (v. 1:26)[2]. Why? Then God added: “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food.” [Hosea 6:7 notes that Adam transgressed this Covenant.]

This same Blessing was then given to Noah, God’s New Adam, as recorded in Genesis 9:1-7, with 1:29 expanded to now include meat. This Blessing was passed on down through all the Patriarchs – father to eldest son – becoming an everlasting Covenant. The message each Patriarch conveyed to the next generation: “Humanity’s redemption occurs when human beings multiply and rule the world under God’s lordship and for his glory.”[3] In other words, our redemption is by obeying the Covenant of Works!

But this didn’t work: Throughout the OT, leaders (ignoring grace warnings by God’s appointed Prophets) selfishly led their flocks into sin, only to be repeatedly punished by a heathen nation when God withdrew his protection. Holy remnants were saved each time (like Noah) so that God could re-invigorate the faith of his chosen people.

Enter Jesus, who brings us the New Covenant,[4] and who fulfilled the Covenant of Works in our stead. Through faith in Jesus, who atoned for our sins of weakness – that’s our being sinfully, natural selfishness, the natural selves we inherited from Adam – we are redeemed. [Sins of weakness sins are sins of ignorance (Numbers 15:27-31), sins determined by our family-of-origin (e.g., Adam and Eve, and our parents).]

Through faith in Jesus, we fulfill the Covenant of Works, and graciously have been given the pathway (the Spirit) to redemption for all our future sins, our willfully committed sins – these are sins of waywardness (Hebrews 19:26-27), willful sins that we commit in acts of defiance of the Lord’s authority, the word of God.

For when Christ was tempted by Satan in the wilderness to willfully sin, Christ answered: “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God”’[quoting Deuteronomy 8:3] (Matthew 4:4).

What’s Happened? Adam and Eve’s “original sin” of willful selfishness still impairs our natural ability today to take dominion of the earth for the glory of God. That’s our natural sins of weakness – and because of this inherited weakness, passed on down through the generations, we cannot naturally help ourselves (via work) to not willfully sin sins of waywardness.

Satan Approaches Eve: The serpent (Satan) launched a direct attack against Eve suggesting the God couldn’t have meant what he said. Eve, of course, was flattered (Satan’s default temptation is to appeal to our vanity). Eve, having been addressed first by Satan, likely was “elated (honored),” enjoying recognition over her husband, and then was asked to interpret God’s Word [for which she had no firsthand knowledge thereof]. Her vanity responses reversed God’s creative order, turning it upon it’s head.

Satan’s Aggrandizing Vanity Appeal encouraged Eve to become autonomous, self-ruling. Adam had already made the decision to be self-ruling, so he naturally followed her lead.

By following her lead, God’s creative order was now turned on its head. Mankind would act like animals, even though God’s creation order was: (Adam —> Eve) —> fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground” (Genesis 1:26). Now the order is: Animals = (Eve —> Adam).

Inherited from Adam and Eve, our natural selves now exhibit some degree of self-rule and we all are prone to egoistically capitulate to temptations of aggrandizing praise (our weaknesses).

Making Sure: As we read all about The Fall in Genesis 3, it’s possible to miss the point of God’s overarching teaching. Thus in Genesis 4, God’s Word dramatically presents us with a side-by-side comparative example of what his Word meant back in Genesis 2 and in 3:15 regarding FAMILY and MARRAGE:

Example 1: Parents who did not obey his Word, raised Cain – Jude 11 refers to the Jewish tradition that Cain was the archetype sinner and, by example, the teacher of others in “how to sin,”

Example 2: Raising Abel and Seth, their parents discipled them both in faith to be righteous (Hebrews 11:4). We should do likewise.

Driving the Point Home: Just to make sure we don’t “interpret” Cain as some “one-off” example, God’s Word tells us all about Cain’s offspring (Genesis 4 – 6): Some five generations later, decedent Lamech had intensified the clan’s sinful acts to include polygamy, grossly unjust vendetta murders, and then, Lamech celebrated the clan’s sinfulness by composing a celebratory song! So polluted had God’s creation become (the singular exception being Lamech’s son Noah), that God not only capped human life thereafter at 125 years (Genesis 6:3), but also (Genesis 6:5-7) exclaimed: “I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created—and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground—for I regret that I have made them.”

Bottom Line: By dramatic teachings and by Christ’s fulfilling the Covenant of Works on our behalf (the New Covenant), we are both motivated and have been given the redemptive power to now CHOOSE to disciple our children in the way of Abel and Seth, rather than naturally raising them as “parental owners” (our collective weaknesses), that’s raising “Cains” and consequentially inserting sin into our family tree for generations yet to come.

Theological Summary: When humanity failed to obtain the Blessing offered in the Covenant of Works, God introduced the Covenant of Grace (foreshadowed in Genesis 3:15) with the New Covenant, where Jesus is the guarantor/guarantee (Hebrews 7:22), the mediator (9:15), where there is true forgiveness (10:18), and, most significantly, we are now equipped to DO GOOD having been graciously given the Spirit to: “equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ” (13:20-21).

DOING GOOD is how Eve facilitated the Work of the Spirit in converting Adam’s heart after the birth of Cain (Genesis 4): See 1 Peter 2:19-21 (boundary setting) and 1 Peter 3:1-2 (remain godly while applying the Constructive Displeasure of Mercy to open the eyes of the functional sinner, thus evangelizing the functional sinner’s unbelief).

• Application Summary: Today we have the ability, through the Works of the Holy Spirit, to CHOOSE to DO GOOD, to CHOOSE to overcome our natural sinful weakness of selfishness and “ownership parenting,” and CHOOSE to raise godly children by emulating God himself as if he was the parent! This is the power graciously given to us by the Holy Spirit.

BACKGROUND

To bring God’s BIG PICTURE into the focus, this paper introduces the viewing perspective of Personality Disorder. Just as today’s physical science can measure Einstein’s once theorized gravitational waves, science also has advanced our understanding of human nature and the neuroscience of God’s masterful design of our brains. Applying this knowledge, a common thread emerges from Genesis 1 – 6, a thread that ties directly with the natural relationship dynamics of today’s marriage unions.

We begin with Genesis 3:16b observing how five English Bibles differ in their interpretation of the Hebrew:

ESV:      Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.

AMP:     Yet your desire and longing will be for your husband, and he will rule [with authority] over        you and be responsible for you.

NLT offers two alternative translations, their preference being (a):

1. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you
2. And though you will have desire for your husband, he will rule over

NET:     You will want to control your husband, but he will dominate you.

MSG:     You’ll want to please your husband, but he’ll lord it over you.

The exegesis in Part 1 of this paper, entitled How Should We Understand “Her Desire” in Genesis 3:16b, focused upon the interpretation of the Hebrew word for “desire” in 3:16, correcting the exegesis error made by Susan Foh (1974), in her paper What is the Woman’s Desire? Foh had defined the relationship dynamics of the default (or post-Fall) marriage as nothing more than the “battle-of-the-sexes,” meaning that the natural relationship dynamics of today’s marriage was combat between of two parties jousting for control. Unfortunately, to adopt Foh’s viewpoint, Genesis 3:16 becomes disconnected from Genesis 4 — 6, which is not to be expected because Scripture always explains Scripture.

The exegesis of Part 1 notes that the AMP translation comes closet, and to a lesser degree, NLT’s alternative (b): This corrected, natural relationship dynamic of today’s marriage truly is: a frustrated wife versus the abusive husband. Her frustration is determined by her husband’s natural tendency to abuse (rule over, own, dominate, lord over) – meaning that the wife’s natural desire and longing to joyfully relish oneness with her husband is now being frustrated. She’s emotionally disabled by the behavior of an emotionally abusive husband.

This desire and longing is the natural longing instilled at Creation by virtue of God having created woman from man (Genesis 2:21-22). This means that woman will naturally long to return to man, just as man longs to be one with his Creator. This Creation Longing is now to become the source of her frustration, frustrated by her husband’s natural selfishness to be her owner, seeking his self-gratification at the expense of her humanity. This is emotional ABUSE, NOT Foh’s dynamic of jousting.

From this corrected viewpoint, Genesis 4 — 6 now takes on a cohesive application meaning that now explains Genesis 3:16. That’s overcoming our sinful inheritance, that’s doing so by choosing to be godly parents – discipling our children by emulating God [being God’s Ambassadors].

Question: Why is this especially important for fathers to be Ambassadors?

Every father has an enormous spiritual influence over his children. Werner Haug and Phillipe Warner compiled the findings of a 1994 Swiss Survey that asked questions as to whether or not a parent’s religion carried over into the next generation. The data demonstrates that the FATHER’s religiosity holds the greatest influence over his children. Why is this? Every father, as God ordained, is his “stand-in;” he’s the Pastor of the family – ordained by Adam’s assigned role of Priest, the role subsequently modeled by each Patriarch.

WORD PICTURES AND EISEGESIS

• Genesis 1 — 4 in particular, is written in sketchy word pictures (like charcoal sketches) that “instruct Israelites through analogies with providence,” Vern Poythress, Correlations with Providence in Genesis 1 (p. 75).
• This pictorial language resonated well with the ancients during the Exodus era (In fact, the original Hebrew was a pictograph-based language!). And since the culture then was a “high context culture,” meaning that communication detail was unnecessary because this tightly knit Hebrew community shared lots of common knowledge; communicating details was unnecessary. Consequentially, our interpretation today of their word pictures presents an excellent opportunity for eisegesis (that’s reading into Scripture our presuppositions).
• In choosing the viewing perspective of Personality Disorders, eisegesis can be avoided. Personality Disorder also will be seen as a common thread emerging in Genesis 1 – 6; following this thread leads us to an informed, easily assimilated understanding of our natural marital union, the (now corrected) abuse/frustration dynamic. Following this thread also maintains the focus area of our “naked eye” observations, as we validate our pictorial observations with other OT and NT Scripture.

Eric Johnson and Warren Watson, in their paper “Still Saints, Caring for Christians with Personality Disorders,” hypothesized correctly that “the omniscient Lord of creation is also the Lord of science” (p. 4). Thus, this paper’s choice to apply the science of Personality Disorders as a lens to understand God’s Word is theologically valid. Specifically, the viewing perspective of Personality Disorders brings relevancy in shaping how God’s Word plays the leading role in addressing how people should interpret life’s troubling behaviors, emotions, and relationships.

The DSM-5[5]

The DSM-5 is today’s diagnostic manual used for classifying behavioral personality disorders.[6]  Behavioral attributes of ruling over, lording over, dominating, and otherwise treating woman, his wife, as nothing more than an object would suggest that “husband Adam” was an emotional abuser. Counselors who minister to these husbands know that they often misperceive and misinterpret God, themselves, others, and their circumstances because of their self-absorption and self-focus: Being all about themselves, their need for self-gratification leads to spousal objectification – this emotional abuse is dehumanizing and is extremely contrary to God’s Creative Words: Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, …” (Genesis 1:26).

From today’s advancement in knowledge of human behavior, “husband Adam” would likely fit within DSM-5’s Cluster B, the dramatic, emotional, and erratic cluster of behavioral disorders, which includes the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), for a narcissus is defined as exhibiting[7] a high sense of self-centeredness, self-absorption, and self-righteousness (entitlement, ownership), all the characteristics that are the consequence of placing self over (above) God — thus the working definition of The Fall: People are BIG and God is small.[8]

• In other words, our natural behavioral bias, thanks to Adam and Eve, is that our life is “naturally” all about ourselves: Today, tomorrow, and the next day are all naturally dedicated to our personal interests and desires. Simply, we all have a natural tendency (inherited weaknesses) to display, to some varying degree, a narcissus-like behavioral style [paraphrased from Ed Welch’s blog: They Call it Narcissism].
• The term STYLE represents our most obvious personality behaviors. STYLE does NOT connote clinically a dysfunctional personality pathology; rather STYLE refers to the display of behavioral attributes associated with one or more personality disorders. You can exhibit a narcissistic personality style without having clinically a narcissistic personality disorder, as clinical disorders reflect a degree of rigidity that causes significant dysfunction, suffering, or impairment to self and to others.[9] There is a continuum from style to neurotic, to borderline, to psychotic behaviors. There are no “walls” of separation in-between.
• To reverse our natural style is a parental choice. Yes, it’s the choice of those who disciple us as we grow from infant to adult in our “family-of-origin.” God’s choice is for parents NOT to raise narcissus-like children. Yes, it starts with godly parenting of the newborn – the overarching application message of Genesis 2 – 6. Simply, God’s message to emotionally bond, that’s bonding in marriage, that’s bonding with children, that’s the bonding that emulates the Trinity, emulating God’s HOME (for the definition of HOME, see The Prostitute versus The Bride).

REVIEWING INHERETED SINS OF WEAKNESS AND OUR NEW SINS OF WAYWARDNESS

Hebrews 5:1-3 notes that as the High Priest of Eden, Adam was subject to his own behavioral weakness, for which he should have atoned. As the first Priest, Adam was determinate of The Fall; Adam’s sinful precursor to The Fall was his choice to disobey God’s commands. Thus his determinate sin was not actually a sin of weakness but rather a sin of waywardness. Adam’s sinful waywardness, in-turn, becomes our sinful weakness. As The Fall’s “original sin,” the sin of a “narcissistic style” is passed on down to us and is embedded as “a natural tendency for us to be parental owners,” that’s the style of “rules-based (father knows best)” parenting – what most likely is what has happened to most of us in our own “families-of-origins.”

FAMILY-OF-ORGIN

• As Children: We all are subject to misperceiving and misinterpreting God, others, our circumstances, and ourselves. Why? Because in growing up in our family-of-origin, we were shaped in a family setting, by family interrelationships likely conflicted to some degree by Adam’s original sin. [Note: Some families seem to have “inherited” a neurotic, borderline, or even psychotic flavor of narcissism.] This was “our parent’s weakness,” which is now passed on to us children as our conflicted weakness (Relates to the monkey-see/monkey-do pattern by which children learn behavioral traits through parental observation). Also, some children willfully adapt patterns of coping and relating in order to reduce their “emotional pain” determined by their own negative feelings emanating from unfulfilled desires. These patterns of avoidance and/or manipulation will blossom as “habits” in adulthood — all “habits” (weakness and willfulness) operate automatically (like driving a car) outside our conscious awareness.
• As Adults: God designed adults to be interpreters. We all are constantly interpreting sensory inputs from our surroundings (avoiding collisions while driving the car), relation inputs interacting with others (ever misunderstand what your spouse really meant when she said that?). Our brains “run computer programs” to compare sensory inputs with what we already know (experiences we’ve learned) in order to determine how we should now react (stop at the red light/get angry at the kid/misinterpret the wife).
• And where did our primary relationship experience data come from? — From our “Family-of-Origin”— the data we accumulated as children, both from weaknesses and from willfulness, stored subconsciously in memory and ready to be recalled as automatic “habit” responses.[10] Thus we adults not only habitually misperceive and misinterpret relationships and situations; we also can habitually exhibit waywardness sin patterns like avoidance and manipulation. In other words, our “behavioral habits” all reflect some range of narcissistic styles in our sinful behaviors.

We sin. Be it sin sourced by weakness or sourced by willful waywardness, we all will find an appropriate alibi in order to avoid feeling guilty. Theologians call this the noetic effects of sin.

NOETIC EFFECTS OF SIN

Romans 1 is one of the most important text that deals with general revelation. General revelation is the revelation that God gives to all people, sinner or saint via Creation. The created order clearly and loudly tells all men about God’s power and divine nature (Romans 1:20).

But though all men clearly know there is a God, they do not honor or give thanks to Him. The fall into sin has caused mankind to ignore and deny their Creator. Sin has affected our minds and causes our thinking to become futile apart from Christ. This effect of sin upon our minds is known in theology as the “noetic effects of sin.”

To deal with guilt from habitual sinning, our automatic “habits” give rise to all sorts of “alibies” invented as the means of assuaging any guilt feelings [Romans 1:21– For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened].

Example: The wife is emotionally unavailable to her husband, a sinful behavioral habit (weakness/style) she acquired from her family-of-origin. Likewise, her husband having not been discipled by his family-of-origin willfully chooses to seek his self-gratification by having an adulterous affair with another’s wife, rather than showing empathy towards his wife and exercising his responsibility to lead the marriage into righteousness – that’s the godly choice he’d have made had he been faithfully discipled in his growing years. His “noetic” alibi: “We’re both in bad marriages, so it’s A-OK.”

Paul spoke to this in Romans 1:18-23 and in 2 Corinthians 11:3 from which R. C. Sproul reasoned: “even though the mind is darkened by sin, and leads us to futility apart from being captured by the Word of God, Paul is not saying that the human facility for thinking is destroyed by sin.” Sproul reasons that adults exhibiting any sinful Personality Disorders can learn to change (repent).

• Why? The brain exhibits plasticity – Paul calls this ability the “renewal of the mind” (Ephesians 4:22-24). Paul bases this statement upon God’s disclosure of brain plasticity in Genesis 4:7: “If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.” God just advised Cain that he could rule over the narcissistic weakness he “learned” from his father – “ruling over” is to repent!
• “To change one’s mind” in the NT means, “to repent.” Paul’s uses “renewal of the mind” also meaning “to repent.” God’s masterful plasticity designed into our brains facilitates repentance. [Romans 8:5: “Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.”] Redemption is for us to envision the life we CHOOSE, and it shall be!

OUR PARENTAL CHOICE IS TO DESCIPILE: God’s-will will be done

• Why should parents’ disciple their children to be godly, or just allow them to remain ungodly? [Note: All infants are born selfish. They are selfishly dependent upon their parents for survival.[11] It’s a parental responsibility to teach non-selfish behavioral traits to their selfish children.]
• Ownership parenting[12] is defined as parents’ “natural” paternalistic desire to “want for and expect from” their children, that’s to rule over their children, that’s getting their identity from their children, that’s measuring their parental success by what their children do and become, that’s their vanity concern as to how their children’s behavior reflects back upon them as judged by outsiders. That’s: “my–will will be done, not God’s–will will be done,” as Jesus taught us to pray.
• Ambassadorship parenting: When God creates his children in the mother’s womb, he gives them specific talents and personalities. By giving each child a unique personality, God defines who it’s to be. He instills, according to his plan, his desired proportions of psychological processes (motives, fantasies, characteristic patterns of thought and feeling, ways of experiencing self and others, ways of coping and defending). These factors are known only to God, and hidden from parents, to be discerned only through parental observation, attributes that may not be visible until the teen years. This leaves lots of opportunity for ownership parents to create dysfunctional kids.
• Thus, God desires that parents, which he blessed with his children, are to raise them just as he would if he was personally so doing. Why? God simply knows better how to guide the maturing of his children whom he uniquely created. [Two helpful books[13] are recommended; both help parents be Ambassador Parents – stand-in’s raising his children God’s way.]
• Thus parents who CHOOSE to be Ambassador Parents will mutually model a godly spousal behavior between themselves and IN FRONT OF their children, and they CHOOSE to godly bond with their children as infants, and most importantly, they CHOOSE to take loving delight in their children just as godly spouses take loving delight in each other.

Why is loving delight the model for family relationships? “Delight” and “other-centered love” is the core of God’s family. God’s family is the Trinity (see definition [14]).

GODLY PARENTAL BONDING STARTS WITH NEWBORNS

An adult, who had not securely bonded with his parents, as a child will, for example, display a tendency to chronically ruin vacations, holidays, or most any family life moment. Why? Having never learned to sustain closeness with his parents, he has no experience base (memories, learned “habits”) to know how to emotionally bond to either his wife or to his family. Thusly, his interests remain focused only upon himself, his occupation, etc. He cares “zip” for their enjoyment of a vacation, or other life moments, leaving his wife and family feeling frustrated. He likely will express (via complaints) all sorts of noetic alibis, like spending too much money on frivolous vacations, etc., an alibi that most likely is tops on most any man’s noetic list.

Family Likeness: Recalling that when God created his children, God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness …” (Genesis 1:26). I John 3:2 tells us that we are Royal Children, bearing the family likeness. What, then, is this family likeness that God spoke about and who is the “us?” Answer: THE TRINITY. He was rhetorically speaking with the other two members of the TRINITY, his relational family. We all are made to be instinctively relational: The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone …” (Genesis 2:18).

Question: If parents do not exhibit the trinitarian emotional bonding before their child, then, as a relational adult, what happens? He bonds (relates) to something else! Like: job, church, a group or groups (volunteerism), a consuming hobby, and so forth. Simply, he gets his “relational bennies” from a source(s) other than a wife. [Note: In the discussion of Genesis 3:1, below, Paul “red flags” forming a “church relationship” as the alternative bond.]

BIG QUESTION: Is secure bonding foundationally embedded in God’s Creation? YES (Genesis 2)!

Parsing the Hebrew in Genesis 2:24-25 (NKJV), the two Hebrew words for “leave” and “joined” (‘azab/H5800[15] and dabaq/H1692) mean that the secure parental attachment (bonding) learned within the family-of-origin is to be transferred (see definition of transfer[16]) from the “family-of-origin,” to form a secure bond with his/her spouse in their NEW godly “family-of-origin,” called HOME. This transfer only will happen if both spousal parents were Ambassador Parents.

Trinitarian delight nourishes emotional bonding: Trinitarian loving delight is expressed as joy in all the small moments of interactive family life. Trinitarian loving delight reflects parental appreciation and respect of the personhood of their children, as well as spousal appreciation of the personhood of the other spouse. (Respect of personhood means that the parent CANNOT BE THE OWNER; God is!) Everyone learns to delight in God’s gift of the uniqueness of each other – delighting in the ensemble of talents and traits God gifted to each. These gifts are to be cherished and nurtured, to be a source of joyful appreciation of God’s grace and glory.

Three parental behavioral pathologies exterminate Trinitarian loving delight: Attachment Theory,[17] which is based upon clinical observations of the interactions of children and parents, notes that children with secure attachments seek out parents for comfort when anxious or upset (just as we Christian adults seek God for comfort when anxious or upset), while children with insecure attachments instead display defensive responses (likewise, we would choose self-rule, self-gratification instead of God). Parental pathologies that exterminate Trinitarian delight, and the corresponding adult consequences, are summarized as follows (a family-of-origin can exhibit various blends of these pathologies and thus determine blended adult behavioral styles):

AVOIDER ADULT:

Pathology: The parent, who is the principal caregiver, is emotionally unavailable and thus insensitive and unaware of the child’s needs. This caregiver discourages crying and encourages independence – at much to early of an age. These children turn into “little adults” who all to soon learn to take care of themselves.

As adults, they have learned to be emotionally unavailable to a member of the opposite sex, and to their family, perhaps even struggling with nonsexual touch, and then should a relationship approach emotional intimacy, the closeness may be subconsciously halted. Often they exhibit styles of being a narcissus (like an inflated self – that’s being egoistically inclined to be swayed by aggrandizements), a disconnected self by virtue of feelings of inadequacy, or a compulsive perfectionist self. In marriage, they will emotionally abuse their spouse.

AMBIVALENT ADULT:

Pathology: Father and mother differ on rules and expectations; they have conflicting worldviews on how children are to be raised, often reflecting how they were raised in their differing families-of-origin. The child cannot learn how to predict parental responses to his needs, engendering confusion and insecurity. Such a child learns quickly in this (ungodly) unstructured family, which parent will be his go-to for his desired payoff, learning how to play one parent off the other. [Note: Genesis 1 teaches godly structure and family order to prevent chaos.]

As adults, they are manipulators and tend towards being a clingy, as an overly dependent spouse (even to being codependent spouse). In the marriage union, they are ruled by a fear of abandonment (feeling unworthy of love, a weakness; maybe even having a deeper sense of incompleteness). Exhibiting a negative view of self (the weakness of low self-confidence) and a positive view of others, they fear decision-making (being dependent), and become pleasers (empaths on steroids) to gain love. The marriage of an AVOIDER with an AMBIVALENT is a train wreck waiting to happen.

DISORGANIZED ADULT:

Pathology: One or both parents do not convey any sense of stability, nor predictability. Often one parent suffers from repressed anger, a product of their past, which now emerges uncontrolled when the child violates some “rule:” The (often corporal) punishment is violent and always overly disproportionate to the crime. There is no “safe haven” in the home, no place for the child to go that’s calming and reassuring. The child is torn by inner conflict – He ought to love me, I should love him, not dread him.

As adults, they exhibit a chaotic inner self – exhibiting some difficulty in maintaining relationship commitments (I am not worthy of being loved), a tendency towards anxiety and depression, riddled with guilty self-blame (abused? I deserve it – as girls, their first dating partner likely is a sexual abuser), helplessness in taking actions, and often they go through a series of unstable relationships (sequential emotional or physical affairs in a Quixotic quest to quench their felt-need, that’s seeking of a stable emotional connection).

A SECURLY BONDED ADULT:

He believes that he is both capable of loving and capable of being loved. Confident in self, he believes that he can influence others, is trustful of others, is unafraid to express emotions (yes, even men), is responsible, resilient, and grows from painful experiences – he is normal!

SETTING THE STAGE: ADAM & EVE’s METAPHORICAL “FAMILYS-OF-ORIGIN”

To understand the teachings of Genesis 4 — 6, we’ll start with their family-of-origins. Since God created both, a metaphorical family would be what they were “taught” as set forth is Scripture:

 “The entire description [Genesis 2:4-25] remains at a level of simplicity. It uses ordinary language. It uses analogies from ordinary life, familiar to Israelites and many other cultures. It offers only a comparatively sparse description of events. The formation of the Garden of Eden, the formation of Adam, Adam’s naming of the animals, and the formation of Eve would all have involved many details about which the narrative is silent. It sticks to the main points.” Vern Poythress Correlations with Providence in Genesis 2 (pp. 38-39)

Here’s a summary of events that describe what Adam would have learned growing up in his metaphorical “family-of-origin:”

Genesis 1:26 — Mankind (male and female) is created in “our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” Family has order and hierarchy. Each family member is equally human and equal in identity. To CONTROL another is a willfully waywardness sin against Creation.

Genesis 1:28 — Mankind is Blessed: “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” Men and women are physically complementarily, and along with common brain structures and brain chemicals, will naturally desire oneness with each other, for us to emotionally bond in oneness, and to fulfill his Blessing. (God’s created sexuality – see God’s Word revealed in the Book of Song.) Spouses are pleasurably “rewarded” in oneness by God’s masterful design of the human brain (see specifically Song 7:10, where God’s Word is contextually recounting the wife’s joyous proclamation of her husband’s sexual desire for her, for he had, in 7:1-9, just expressed his delightfulness in her sexuality in reciting his wasf (that’s an erotic, poetic description of her body).

In waṣf love poetry, each part of a lover’s body is described and praised in turn, using metaphors. These metaphoric images are not intended to be literally descriptive. Instead, they are to convey erotic delight, where each lover is finding freshness and splendor in the spouse’s body, using carefully chosen metaphors that specifically express a reflection of God’s magnificence as replicated in his created world. For a husband not to delight in his wife’s sexuality, not to please her sexually, is a willfully waywardness sin of emotional abuse (Genesis 3:16).

Genesis 2:7 — Genesis 2 details God’s creative process of men and women, explaining in detail how he designed us to fulfill His Blessing. “Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.” God embedded his character within man, just as the potter shapes his clay, along with a natural desire for man to seek and return and be one with Him (oneness). By analogy, God forms and breathes life into each of his children within the mother’s womb. [Literally, the Spirit impregnated Mary.]

Genesis 2:15 — “The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.” Working and keeping the Garden are the agricultural tasks: Thus work/employment are necessary to contribute in God’s providence. The Hebrew words used here “ring” with the priestly guidance in Numbers 4. Thus Adam was assigned the role of High Priest in Eden, a role emulated by the Patriarchs. The husband’s role is, therefore, to be the Priest before his wife (and family) – Ephesians 5 – insuring an orderly family life and preventing chaos through his Priestly Leadership.

Genesis 2:18 — God, within the Trinity, is a relational being, with each member of the Trinity being equal and taking joyous loving delight in the being in relationship with the other two. So man, having God’s character, also needs a relational partner, a “helper suitable for him.” In Genesis 2:18, the Hebrew for “helper” is ‘ezer. Throughout the OT God is referred to as ‘ezer. Thus Woman’s role is NOT subordinate, but relationally equal. Husbands and wives are to take joyous delight in each other. It’s important to note that in the Exodus battle, for example, God, as the ‘ezer, helped his people win – God was a Warrior. So Woman’s role also is that of an ‘Ezer Warrior.

Genesis 2:22 — God made woman from man: 1) The qualities God had instilled within man are now within woman; 2) Coming from man, she will desire to return to him to seek oneness[18] just as man desires to return to God in oneness because he came from God (breath of life); and 3) The Hebrew word for “made” means BUILD a FAMILY.[19] And since God’s relational being is his HOME, the TRINITY, so our HOMES are to emulate the inter-relational aspects of the TRINITY.

• Genesis 2:23 — Adam greets his wife expressing poetic delight, just as the Trinity members’ expresses delight in each other, defining the Trinitarian paradigm that all marriages must emulate: All husbands are to express this same delight in their wives. The symbolism in God’s creative choice in building woman from Adam’s “rib” denotes Adam is to protect her (under his arm), to love her (near his heart), and to treat her as an equal (from his side). So should today’s husband cherish and nurture his wife, and just like a piece of very fine china, wives are to be emotionally and physically protected, treated with nurture and loving care. Treating a wife as an object (Objectification), is willfully waywardness sin against Creation.
• Genesis 2:24 — God now defines how his FAMILY is to function within his HOME. The godly emotional bonding between parents and child is to be broken and recreated in (transferred to) the new family HOME, being the bond between spouses and between parents and their children. In Hebrew this bonding is described as “Krazy Glue” and the Hebrew pictograph describing the “breaking” of this very strong bond is the picture of a battle-axe. (This bonding, oneness, is also described by Jesus in John 15:1-5).
• Genesis 2:25 — How “close” is the bond between husband and wife to be? At this point, Adam and Woman were innocent and thus they had no shame. Post-Fall, spouses are NOT to hid from each other, but also to feel naked, and although flawed, they should feel no shame in displaying their flaws before each other – i.e., spouses are to walk in each other’s shoes. Each is to fully understand the idols in other’s heart (1 Peter 3:7-8), seek to serve the other (1 Thessalonians 5:14), and they are to be mutual accountability partners functioning to warn one another with helping comfort and encouragement, and to help the other up when he stumbles. [When the union is “troubled,” the husband is the partner responsible for bringing the relationship back on track.]
  • Note 1: “Walking in each other’s shoes” requires empathy on the part of both spouses; our empathy comes from the “breath of life” as its part of God’s character – his care for, his feeling of empathy for his children. Spouses, who lack the empathy to truly walk in their spouse’s shoes, display the weakness of self-absorption acquired from their family-of-origin. Lack of empathy reflects itself as a waywardness sin of emotional abuse.
  • Note 2: God joins two sinners together, so that during marriage their mutual holiness will grow, preparing each for their upcoming marriage to Jesus, the city of Heaven being their destination. Abusive is spousal exploitation (Genesis 3:16). Abuse sends the abuser to the destination city of Babylon (Revelation 17:1-8) – realization of this consequence should motivate every abuser to change his direction.

Described above is what Adam would have learned (those monkey see/monkey do neurons) from his “metaphoric parents” prior to The Fall. He was taught to be delightfully relational, and taught exactly how to disciple his children. Unfortunately he chose to sin; he chose alienation from God; he chose spousal alienation. These traits (styles) are now expressed to some degree in our own default selfish personalities. It’s up to us, as the ”family-of-origin” for our children, to CHOOSE to treat our spouse the way Adam was taught, to CHOOSE to overcome our default, selfish ownership parenting style, and CHOOSE to disciple our children the way Adam was originally taught. That’s being Ambassador Parents.

IMPACT OF AMBASSADORSHIP PARENTING

God is steadfastly concerned with weakness (Deuteronomy 24:18; Psalm 82:2-4) and Paul, who reframed his sinful past in 1 Timothy 1:12-17 by putting a biblical spin on his prior behavior in order to renew his mind, also reframes weaknesses as a focus point of God’s shinning glory: “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10).

Ambassadorship Parenting imbeds in our children the good “habit” response of always following God’s teachings. Paul’s “godly habit response” is what can keep us from forgetting when we stumble (2 Peter 1:9). The more ingrained is this “habit,” the less we stumble and the faster we get back up onto our feet.

The category of weakness-sins, which this “godly habit response” addresses, is broad. For example, the NT addresses biological limitations (John 5:7; Matthew 26:41), compromised psychological functioning (2 Corinthians 10:10), poor speaking abilities (2 Corinthians 11:6), and spiritual defects (Romans 14:1-4). God delights in showcasing his strength through our weaknesses.

WOMAN’S METAPHORIC FAMILY–OF–ORGIN

What Adam learned also applies to Woman as she was created from him. In addition, there are several experiences unique to her.

Genesis 3:1 —Satan tempts Woman. Just as Satan did when he tempted Jesus in the desert, Satan appealed to her VANITY. This is where PRIDE, as a core of human nature, is first revealed. PRIDE is the determinate behind Fear of Man (Proverbs 29:25: “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe”).  Pride is why people seek approval of others, like what others might think if I do thus and so. Being part human, Jesus also had PRIDE, but unlike Woman, he chose not to capitulate to Satan’s temptation of aggrandizement and assuage his vanity.

Paul is VERY concerned about us capitulating to aggrandizements, the worship of our PRIDE/VANITY weakness instead of serving others to glorify God. Paul cautions us all in Galatians 6:2-5 to not deceive ourselves as to our heart’s motivation as we go about godly acts of helping others. Before we start, Paul advises that we ask ourselves the introspective question: What’s the motivation in our heart? Are we helping another in order to feed our own PRIDE/VANITY, or are we truly doing it to glorify God? Paul is rightfully concerned. Because of The Fall, we all exhibit some degree of narcissus styles. And VANITY/PRIDE stroking is very plentifully expressed within the Church environment – strokes that magnetically tug on any thread attached to a VANITY/PRIDE weakness. When a pastor is approached after his sermon and sincerely congratulated on how truly meaningful his sermon was, his VANITY/PRIDE is being stroked. Every pastor, every volunteer MUST rule-over (repent) this stroking with humility – Why? Church “applause” can be engulfing, having the ability to aggrandize anyone into becoming a Spiritual Narcissus (click here for the behavioral definition).

Genesis 3:6 — Reacting to her VANITY, her selfish desire for ownership (possession) dominated as she saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye [typical of a narcissistic desire is to want to posses a “shiny object”], and the fruit of the tree also was desirable (per Satan) for gaining wisdom [she responded to Satan’s aggrandizement], so she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.

Genesis 3:7-11 —Woman and Adam both demonstrate that sin has alienated them from each other and from God. They covered themselves (alienated from each other), and then they hid in the bushes (alienated from God: “Where are you?”). Oneness has now been broken, replaced the sin of self-centered alienation from spouses, others, and from God: Adam through waywardness and Woman through weakness. Our natural self now is “unto thy self.”

Genesis 3:12-13 — As a consequence of their alienation, they played the narcissistic “blame game.” (Cosmically by Adam!) Pointing and blaming avoids personal responsibility, and is now part of our natural human nature. The bonding inherent in Ambassadorship Parenting (discipling) corrects this natural human tendency to be alienated from each other and from God.

Genesis 3:15 — To set this 3:15 apart (along with vv. 14 and 16), this triad is expressed in Hebrew poetry. In verse 15, God is directly intervening in Woman’s life, changing her sinful heart into a heart that’s now rooted in Living Water. This is his first demonstration of grace (foreshadowing the Covenant of Grace): “And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel.” The Hebrew word ‘eybah, translated as “enmity,” is used only five times in the Hebrew Bible. Contextually it means to HATE, HATRED. God’s grace has just overwritten Woman’s memory of a pleasurable experience – turning that experience into a hateful experience (Paul calls it self-loathing). Woman now feels shame when remembering her encounter with Satan (Ezekiel 20:43). God has graciously crucified/mortified her sinful weakness.

Genesis 3:20 — Adam, recognizing the role God has just assigned to Woman, his wife, being that her offspring will crush Satan’s head, he renames her Eve, thus announcing her new role as “the mother of all the living.”

Summary: So while Adam’s family-of-origin taught positive attributes, Eve’s taught us what we must avoid, particularly not to succumb to VANITY/PRIDE temptations of aggrandizement.

PAUL: COUNSELING WEAKNESSES AND WAYWARDNESS – BOTH ARE SINS

Paul applies Genesis 3:15 in his teachings, so before moving into Genesis 4, reviewing his counseling adds helpful perspective.

We are characterized by our fundamental selfish opposition to God (People are BIG, God is small), which contaminates everything we do. As a result of this weakness, we commit various waywardness sins. Technically, the term ethicospiritual is used to describe this ethical and spiritual Personality Disorder [see Eric Johnson and Warren Watson, STILL SAINTS, p.9].

Counseling Weaknesses (sins of ignorance, Numbers 15:27-31): Paul teaches redemption of sins of weakness using himself as the example (1 Timothy 1:12-17), with 1:13 being key: “Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief.”

Paul places his prior sinful actions (“habits” developed during your growing years) into perspective. Yes, I (e.g., husband) was a horrible person, a violent man against Christians (my wife). Because I was acting in unbelief, the Lord poured abundant grace upon me (Parents raised you the very best way that they knew). No matter what happened in your family-of-origin, no one can keep God from doing good with you (grace), using your weakness to help others (Romans 8:28).

Now Paul places his salvation into context with God’s will (Does this sound familiar as the way we should pray?).  I was shown great mercy as an example for others. Paul tells us how he went forth, citing himself as the prime example of grace, thus encouraging Gentiles to come to faith, glorifying God.

Recasting the future. To complete Paul’s “renewal of the mind” (repentance) by reinterpretation of the past, first, forgive your parents, and then visualize your new future, the attributes of the visualized future being: peace/Psalms 37:37-38; executing God’s plan for you/Jeremiah 29:11-12; and gaining Wisdom to be what God plans you to be/Proverbs 24:13-14.

This is accomplished by forming a “mental image,” or even a “movie,” in your mind’s eye as to what your new future is to look like ABSENT THE WEAKNESS HABIT. Neuroscientists call this forming a “habit loop.” This means that you are activating a group of neurons that will reinforce that image/movie AND the outcome of being “habit” free (God’s masterful design of our brains). How does this work?

Your accountability partner (e.g., spouse) sets a boundary. She/he confronts you upon crossing. This triggers recall of your “habit loop.” Technically, as you repeat this “habit loop” the brain is storing this “loop” into deep memory, freeing your executive brain to manage more intense functions. You’re simply learning to “drive the car.”[20]

Counseling Waywardness (sins of willfulness, Hebrews 19:26-27): In Genesis 3:15, God graciously dealt with Woman’s willful choice by establishing a “wall of hate” — shame. It’s shame that renews the mind (repentance). As Ezekiel 16:53-54, 60-63; 20:43 indicate, this kind of shame — self-loathing — is the product of the compassion/empathy one now feels for the painful injury inflicted upon the another – this is “learning” (driving that car) to loath the sinful act(s) from willfully worshiping the idol of your heart. This loathing is good fruit. Displaying this Good Fruit is Paul’s renewal of the mind.

Paul’s Counseling Summary:

Weakness springs from the family-of-origin – parents who did the very best they could at the time with what they knew. To redeem this sin, the adult needs to become aware of these parental factors and then to forgive his/her parents, and move to eradicate his sinful habits. This is the pathway to redemption.

Waywardness springs from a willful choice to disobey God, to worship an idol instead of God. As a consequence of a weakness, redemption is a two-step process. The second is to address the idol. Eradicate this weed (idol) growing in one’s heart with self-loathing (gratitude also is a good weed killer), and to replant with the fruit tree (good fruit), re-rooting the heart in Living Water.

NOW, THE TEACHINGS OF GENESIS 4

Our lens of Personality Disorders is in-place: Their metaphorical “families-of-origin” indicated that Adam is a neurotic narcissus (based upon the fact that his son was driven to murder) while Eve is “normal.” Since Genesis 3:16 characterized their marital union as abusive; we’ll apply what we know about that human behavior:

• Narcissism in General: Narcissists have misperceived and misinterpreted God, themselves, others, and their circumstances. They likely do not model godliness, or disciple children to Fear of the Lord. A neurotic narcissus is notable for being relatively rigid, controlling, and judgmental, responding to challenges of authority with firm, self-righteous outbursts.
• Relationship of a Narcissus Father to Children: The ownership parent (father) tends to get his identity and sense of purpose from his children, and sees his job as “THE teacher” of HIS children. This ownership parent looks for success markers in what his children accomplish as the measure of his parenting success. Thus he views his children as “trophies.” The father’s desire to control excludes the mother, often openly and self-righteously criticizing the mother in front of the children should she disagree with his management decision. This “wedge” emotionally separates the children from the mother, and often starts at a very early age (I hear antidotal reports of this as early as age 4). Since a narcissist lacks empathy, the father is often authoritarian and rigid about how things are to be done (father knows best), driven by the self-righteous correctness of opinion.
• Relationship of a Narcissus Father to his Son: Sons of narcissistic fathers will develop a lack of confidence. Because of the father’s constant critical authoritarianisms and put downs, they will feel like they can never measure up, nor will ever be good enough to garner approval. Their attitude is defeatism – determined by a low sense of self-worth diminished by constant fatherly corrections and devaluing remarks. To fill this void, “seeking approval” becomes a dominant felt-need in their teen and adult years.
• This holds for daughters also. Additionally, daughters will never feel “satiated,” because of their father’s lack of empathy (he’s unable to give adoration). This fatherly shortfall keeps daughters from experiencing the feeling of being special or loved. As adults, these daughters will always be insecure, seek affirmation functionally as empaths (weakness – pleasers on steroids) in order to gain what their father was unable to give.

WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT CAIN AND ABEL

• Genesis 4:1 – Eve said upon giving birth to Cain: “With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a [or the] man.”
• Genesis 4:2 – Cain worked the soil, following in his father’s footsteps (Eden’s gardener). This suggests that Cain was close to his father; following in the father’s footsteps also would be expected in the patriarchal household.
• Genesis 4:3, 5 – In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. The Lord looked upon Cain and his offering, he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast. Downcast physically expresses the emotion of depression; his feeling from a frustrated felt-need for approval. He was angry with himself that he did not gain approval: anger + depression = not good.
• Genesis 4:6-7 – Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”
• Adam conditioned Cain to not believe in himself – “I can never measure up.” So in tending his crops, we can expect Cain’s work ethic to be sloppy as any self-defeatist would be: “Why should I take any extra effort to care? My crops will be what they will be.” So Cain was noetically nonselective in preparing his offering. And Adam, having not modeled Fear of the Lord before Cain, suggests that Cain’s anticipated expectation on presenting his offering to the Lord was that the Lord would be equally critical, just like his father. Thus the Lord’s redemptive advice was no weightier than just another criticism from his own father.
• Brother Abel’s discipleship resulted in a prideful work ethic. He cared about how his animals grew. He nurtured and cherished them. He was taught Fear of the Lord. So in preparing his offering wisely, he willfully chose the finest of the very best, proud to present his blemish-free offering, expecting a complementary response from the Lord. Thus the Lord approved, for his heart (from discipleship) was rightfully rooted in Living Water.
• Cain’s heart now rages with jealous anger – the emotional modulator in Cain’s brain, the amygdala, now is in a rapid firing mode – brother Abel received what Cain deeply coveted. Cain’s offering was both a sin in weakness, and consequential willfully sloppy in choosing his offering, and now he was going to further sin in waywardness – murder his brother in rage of jealous anger. (This is why God nine times in the OT counsels be “slow to anger.”)

TRANSFORMATION OF ADAM

• Moses is totally silent on how Adam and Eve healed their union, transitioning them from parents of ungodly Cain to becoming parents of godly Abel and then Seth. The reality is that God most likely chose not to reveal this redemptive pathway until his Son came to Earth, since it entailed the Works of the Spirit.
• 1 Peter 3:8-22 lays out this redemptive pathway corresponding to – The Constructive Conflict of Mercy[21] – the willingness of the ‘Ezer Warrior to enter into conflict, confronting her abusive husband – that’s “doing good” – like Jesus did when he endured evil abuse on his way to DO GOOD on the Cross.
• Eve would have established firm behavioral boundaries such that when husband (Adam) crossed-over, he encountered consequences plus loving feedback (mercy) as to the hurt he was imposing upon her. This brings upon the wife more reactionary evil until the eyes of her sinning husband begin to open. The Spirit not only protects her from spiritual damage (situational advice: see Malachi 2:16b) during this process but also works to open the sinner’s eyes to see his sins. While the Spirit was known in the OT, this Work of the Spirit was not revealed until the New Covenant.

Hank Miiller lives in Newton, Penn., attends the Pineville Independent Bible Church, Pineville, Penn., and is a Biblical Counselor specializing in abusive relationships.

[1] Also known as the “Cultural Mandate” or “Covenant of Creation.” For “Covenant of Works,” see: Wayne Grudem, SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY, Zondervan, 1994, pp. 516-518.

[2] All scripture is from the NIV unless otherwise noted.

[3] Thomas Schreiner, COVENANT, and God’s Purpose for the World, Crossway, 2017, p. 36.

[4] ibid, pp. 89-119.

[5] Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is the primary classification guide for psychiatrists. If not applied correctly, the DSM will overrule and undermine biblical truths in our thinking about psychopathology and can lead Christians to excuse sinful behavior. Rather the DSM can be correctly used as a broad guide to bringing scripture into understandable relevance, helping people “see” their sin patterns.

[6] We must be careful in applying “labels,” as labeling people can lead to reductionism in applying the Christian worldview in counseling. After all, the Bible gives us the first principles of human nature.

[7] The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is defined as comprising a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), one’s constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by the presence of at least 5 of the following 9 criteria:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance
• A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
• A need for excessive admiration
• A sense of entitlement
• Interpersonally exploitive behavior (aka objectification)
• A lack of empathy
• Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
• A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

[8] Edward T. Welch, WHEN PEOPLE ARE BIG AND GOD IS SMALL, Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the FEAR OF MAN, P&R Publishing, 1997.

[9] Vittorio Lingiardi and Nancy McWilliams, Editors, PSYCHODYNAMIC DIAGNOSTIC MANUAL, Second Edition: PDM-2, The Guilford Press, 2017, Chapter 1: Personality Syndromes – P Axis, by Nancy McWilliams, Jonathan Shedler, pp. 15-74.

[10] As children (often experienced under 13), emotional trauma can stunt the development of the brain’s executive center. This is where the ability to abstractly connect actions with consequences is learned. The executive is not fully developed until the early 20’s. Truncated development means that as adults, emotional maturity (regulation) is stuck, i.e., adults functioning emotionally as a teenager.

[11] Infants are born as needy people, and by design we are created needy yet given specifically unique gifts but limited abilities. See Edward Welch WHEN PEOPLE ARE BIG AND GOD IS SMALL, P&R Publishing, 1997, pp.163-165.)

[12] OWNERSHIP vs. AMBASSADORSHIP: Matthew 11:27 conveys the stark difference between “ownership” versus “Ambassadorship” parenting. As Matthew states: “No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son.” The Father knows facts about the Son: fact knowing is the polar opposite of“ownership parenting!” The Father knows even more facts about the Son, as in oneness between Father and Son. The Father has intimate personal knowledge about the Son, which infinitely exceeds the knowledge that a human father can ever know about his son. While an Ambassador Parent can never be God, or pretend to be God, the Ambassador Parent strives to understand as deeply, as intimately as possible, his son. He “walks in his son’s shoes,” learning just what makes him tick, emulating the spousal relationship ordained at Creation (Genesis 2:25). This knowledge is why the “Ambassador Parent” exhibits more factual Parenting Wisdom that any “Ownership Parent” will ever do. For more perspective on the Trinity, see Vern Poythress, KNOWING AND THE TRINITY: HOW PERSPECTIVES IN HUMAN KNOWLEDGE IMITATE THE TRINITY, P&R Publishing, 2018, pp. 270-273.

[13] TWO RECOMMENDED BOOKS on stewardship parenting are highly recommended: First is Paul David Tripp’s book PARENTING, 14 Gospel Principles that can Radically Change Your Family, Crossway, 2016. To convey his point that parentis are God’s stewards raising his children, Tripp uses Paul’s AMBASSADORSHIP terminology in 2 Corinthians 5:20 to describe the function of a steward – the Ambassador always reflects the King’s interests and policies.

Second recommended book is Julie Lowe, CHILP PROOF, Parenting by Faith not Formula, New Growth Press, 2018. As a freedom-over-formula book, Julie provides biblical insight and encouragement to parenting by faith, not by rules.

[14] TRINITY: The early leaders of the Greek Church called the “Dance of God” perichoresis, derived from two Greek words peri, which means “around,” and chorein, which means “to give way” or “to make room,” a dance of three rotating about the center point of divine (sacrificial) love.  Perichoresis is described in John16:4 and17:1. Another example of perichoresis is found in John 3:16 and 15:26. Indications of the intimacy of triune oneness also can be found in John 10:15; Matthew 11:27; and Luke 10:22.

Matthew 11:27 conveys the stark difference between “ownership” versus “stewardship” parenting. As Matthew states: “No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son.” The Father knows facts about the Son: fact knowing is the polar opposite of “ownership parenting!” The Father knows even more facts about the Son, as in oneness between Father and Son. The Father has intimate personal knowledge about the Son, which infinitely exceeds the knowledge that a human father can ever know about his son. While an Ambassador Parent can never be God, or pretend to be God, the Ambassador Parent strives to understand as deeply, as intimately as possible, his son. He “walks in his son’s shoes,” learning just what makes him tick, emulating the spousal relationship ordained at Creation (Genesis 2:25). This knowledge is why the “Ambassador Parent” exhibits more factual Parenting Wisdom that any “Ownership Parent” will ever do.

For more perspective on the Trinity, see Vern Poythress, KNOWING AND THE TRINITY: HOW PERSPECTIVES IN HUMAN KNOWLEDGE IMITATE THE TRINITY, P&R Publishing, 2018, pp. 270-273.

[15] The identification numbers H5800 and H1692 refer to Strong’s numerical identification of each word in the Hebrew bible. Many English eBibles have Strong’s Numbers linked so that one can research contextual usages.

[16] TRANSFER OF BONDING: H5800 (leave) is an imperfect tense verb, a Hebrew verb that adds color and movement to an on-going process. The Hebrew-Chaldee Lexicon suggests, “to loosen bands.” H1692 (joined) is a perfect tense verb meaning that this action completes a past act, the act begun by H5800. Thus the Hebrew grammar conveys to us the concept of TRANSFER of parental bonding from one’s family-of-origin (HOME) to the NEXT spousal HOME, creating a NEW family-of-origin. The Hebrew Lexicon for H1692 (joined) that completes the act of H5800 is “to cleave, to adhere to as if with glue” (think Krazy-glued together = strong bonding of husband with wife).

[17] Tim Clinton and Gary Sibcy, ATTACHMENTS, Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do, Thomas Nelson, 2002. For a book review see Winston Smith (CCEF Professor) in The Journal of Biblical Counseling (Spring 2004, vol. 22:3) pp. 67-72.

[18] In oneness, spouses can experience the rapture of the Trinity (John 17:21). Tim Keller, founding pastor of Redeemer in NYC, refers to this as the gloriousness of God’s divine design of our brains (rapture being the fruit of the art of sexual gift-giving) as an “embodied out-of-body experience … It’s the most ecstatic, breathtaking, daring, scarcely-to-be imagined look at the glory that is our future.” See Tim and Kathy Keller’s THE MEANING OF MARRIAGE, Penguin Group, 2011, p. 236.

[19] Hebrew writings originally were picture sequences, each being a drawing of a life situation. The last pictograph in the series for “made” is the little guy “Hey.” “Hey” has his arms upraised, seeking attention for he has joyously fathered a child. The preceding pictographic is something that to us looks a sperm (actually a seed), and the first pictograph is that of the tent diagramed to indicate a private enclosure within.

[20] Charles Duhigg, THE POWER OF HABIT, Random House, 2014.

[21] David Powlison, GOOD & ANGRY, New Growth Press, 2016, Chapters 7 and 8, pp. 88-103.