In the movie Gaslight, the lights were flickering, and she knew it. But her husband attempted to tell her that her senses could not be trusted. We must help the “victims” understand that what they see, hear, touch, and smell can be trusted because that is how God designed them to experience the world.

In July 2021 I wrote an article on gaslighting that made the following three points:

1. Definition of gaslighting: “Gaslighting,” biblically speaking, is the deception by self-lovers who use eloquent and persuasive speech to destroy the emotional and spiritual stability of their victims. The self-lover wants to control and often hide their own sinful behavior.
2. Value of the term: Biblical counselors may choose to use the term as a subheading of the biblical term deception to highlight the particularly wicked form that this deception takes.
3. Impact on a person’s life: Gaslit sufferers assume that events and actions are their fault, refuse to make decisions, exhibit unwillingness to trust their senses, lie to avoid conflict, and look for a trustworthy person to tell them what to do.

In the months since that article came out, I have continued to study and think about the subject. I concluded that my article focused almost exclusively on what I now term “active gaslighting.” I also believe that passive gaslighting is also possible. I will write another article explaining this difference. However, I believe that successful gaslighting, whether done actively or passively, tends to produce similar result. This article presents an initial explanation of how to help.

Before I get started, I believe every person must be cared for as an individual. Even if commonalities exist between counselees, commonality is not sameness. The Bible encourages us to listen (Prov. 18:13; James 1:19) and respond to the situation accordingly. People are dynamic and that demands an ability to adapt to changing circumstances.

It is also important to remember that my list below is only attempting to address the gaslighting itself. The needs of the active gaslit victim may include issues not relevant to the passive victim and vise-a-versa. In addition, there may be other life factors that require counsel.

Acknowledge That Life Is Hard

Victims may seem confusing, immature, even childish to those who have never experienced treatment like this. Children who were biblically raised (cf. Eph 6:4; Deut 6:5-9, etc.) and taught biblical courage must listen to their counselee’s experience. The constant bombardment of deception, manipulation, and cruelty should lead us to compassion.

Feeling compassion is not enough. We must communicate it. We must find words to express our compassion for them and for their experience. Paul often wrote about other’s suffering. The Psalms express grief as does Job and Lamentations. Building a relationship where honesty and ministry can flourish requires a little “climbing in the casket.”

This is especially true of active gaslighting victims because the perpetrators are like Romans 16:18 says, For such men are slaves, not of our Lord Christ but of their own appetites; and by their smooth and flattering speech they deceive the hearts of the unsuspecting.

Even when the gaslighting was unintentional (i.e., passive) it does not change the reality that the person experiences many of the same symptoms. It is hard to live in a world where nothing seems clear or makes sense.

Remember That Gaslit Victims Struggle with Reality

When either counseling or supervising someone counseling these persons, we must constantly remind ourselves that they struggle with reality. There are different rules. When someone tried to tell me that I did not see something I really saw (I watched him run for a touchdown), something I read (a story about hurting people), or something I heard I did not find their comments confusing – I found them irritating. Those were my rules.

Victims play with different rules. They have learned that our world is broken and confusing. They have learned that trust is dangerous. Gaslit victims confuse what the rest of us would take for granted.

Persevering is an important concept. Gaslit people might make it hard to counsel. They might question your understanding of the Bible, they might question your application, and they might look to others for confirmation. It is not because they are rebellious, it is part of how they function. Rather than be angry at them, recognize that they need more help than the average person.

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