We miss the real pleasure of the marriage bed because we miss the profound mystery of Christ and His bride. He doesn’t command us to get over ourselves, take off our clothes and be vulnerable with each other in a merely physical act. He has removed our shame so that we can! When shame is removed, the result is an eagerness for this kind of vulnerability. When selfishness is removed, it becomes safe, and therefore pleasurable for both parties. It is only through His grace, we get glimpses of the Garden of Eden. He has taken our shame on Himself and given us His righteousness as our covering.

I recently read an article from a prominent blogger on the subject of the new “gospel-centered” emphasis in books. He commented on various books that applied the gospel to every area of life from the ivory towers of theology, to the mom caught up in the chaos of home and family. One quote at the end of his blog got me thinking: “There is not yet a “Gospel-Centered Sex” book; however, it is probably on the way and may well be very helpful! If a couple consistently applies the implications of the gospel to the marriage bed, they will inevitably have a healthier marriage.”¹

I was surprised by this and yet wondered how anyone would begin to tackle that subject. For obvious reasons it is not a topic many would tread upon lightly. Many Christians (myself included) have assumed that remedying the “marriage bed” would lead to a healthier marriage.

I hear the veiled frustrations of men. Why doesn’t my wife want to have sex more often? Women, in their counsel to one another, unapologetically deem sex as a necessary evil, but their duty nonetheless. Both genders seem to believe the cure for low-sex marriages is for women to get over themselves and give more sex. After all, it is a job only she can fulfill, right? But an unhealthy sex-life is only a barometer of a deeper problem. Sex is not the priority of marriage. It is an expression of the health of it. I think I would reverse the comments above to read like this: If a couple consistently applies the implications of the gospel to the marriage, they will inevitably have a healthier marriage bed.

It has been said that a married man and woman, naked together and unashamed, are as close to a pre-fall relationship as anyone will experience this side of eternity. But how many of us can view it that way? We can scarcely mention Song of Solomon without blushing or cringing. It brings us face to face with our sexual baggage. What do we do with this book? There it is in the middle of the Bible, in all of its “rated R” beauty. We all want what that couple has. We’re afraid to cry out: we don’t have it!

An Appetite of the Heart

Several months ago, I taught about the sin of idolatry to a group of female addicts at the Nashville Rescue Mission. I touched on all kinds of idols from (obviously) drugs and alcohol to co-dependency, sex, and food. Afterward, the group of ladies from my church had a vigorous discussion about how the gospel could possibly apply to our eating habits. Surely a certain amount of law was necessary to lose weight. Defenses were up. Each woman had a comment about what had worked for her. A couple of the women reluctantly shared their guilt and failure to keep food in its rightful place. Others jumped in to excuse and justify why they were carrying an extra 10 pounds. We could all readily understand the effects of applying the gospel to something OTHER people struggled with but. . .you gotta eat right? Various diet plans were evaluated based on how much law and how much indulgence they allowed. Other suggestions came pouring out about making healthy food taste good and exercise fun. I could hardly believe I had just taught about idols and here we all were defending ours.

We will never be satisfied with more and better food. There are consequences for trying to be so. Most diets don’t work because they don’t lead their participants to fall OUT of love with their idol of food. They only transfer that love to healthier food, organic food or my favorite: “super-food”. They don’t break our idolatrous worship of self-indulgence. On the contrary, they actually increase it. I know when I am on a diet, I think about food 24/7. I am always planning to eat. What can I eat? How can I make flax seed taste like white flour? How can I consume the least amount of calories and get the most full? What low calorie dessert can I enjoy two amazing bites of? How can I be satisfied?

Ok, you say, I thought this article was about sex? Well, I am a woman. I gotta get there through food. We don’t end up losing weight, and having a proper perspective, and yes, even enjoyment of food, until we stop living for food (or skinny-ness or whatever related idol). We won’t be free from our insatiable desire for food until we stop worshipping it and worship Christ instead. The same is true of sex. You cannot have more sex or better sex by seeking more and better sex.

Guilted Into Giving

I recall many bridal shower devotionals where the young blushing bride-to-be was told to never refuse her husband (I probably even conducted a few like this I’m sorry to say). I believed this was good advice because it was always followed by a devastating description of what refusals do to a man’s psyche. When I was engaged and given this advice I thought to myself: Are you kidding? Why would I refuse him? I am looking forward to that part of marriage as much as he is. The two of us could hardly keep our hands off of each other as our wedding drew near.

A few weeks after the wedding and honeymoon were over I understood. My husband and I both had full-time jobs and we lived in a tiny apartment by the beach. One evening I came home late from work with a bag full of groceries. I put the groceries away, cooked dinner and then washed the dishes. My husband slinked up behind me as I was drying the last dish and said: You almost ready for bed? The look I gave him made it abundantly clear that I was ready for separate beds.

The next morning I felt guilty, believing my refusal had done irreparable damage to my husband’s soul. He felt guilty that he had watched football while I was killing myself to be a “godly wife.” We confessed our guilt to each other, but rather than turning to Christ to remove our guilt and shame, each of us determined in our hearts (and to each other) we would do better next time. From that point on, I cooked, he washed dishes, and the negotiating began.

For some couples, this is as deep as their marriage ever goes. It centers around needs and how to motivate the other person to meet those needs. We all feel the guilt of “meeting needs.” We understand the tendency to determine in our hearts to “do better”. Many people limp through their entire married life feeling guilty for their own contribution to their marriage and disappointed in their partners.

The truth is my refusal did do irreparable damage to my husband’s soul. My husband’s choice to watch football instead of serving me did irreparable damage to mine. The sin of selfishness crept into our marriage and marred it with the ugly stains of shame and mistrust. Shame led to the determination to do better. Mistrust led to the determination to self-protect and avoid being hurt like that again. We didn’t withhold our bodies from each other, but we did withhold pieces of our hearts. When shame and mistrust build-up over time in a marriage, it leads to withholding bodies—a symptom of withholding hearts.

As couples develop patterns of self-protection, intimacy erodes and the relationship is reduced to negotiation: What does he need to “do” to get sex? How can she use sex as her most powerful tool for getting what she needs (wants)? Both feel resentful: He for having to beg for what he feels entitled to, she for having to prostitute herself to earn what she feels entitled to. When kids enter the scene, expectations are exposed, negotiating heightens (and fails), and couples find themselves fighting over seemingly trivial things like who works the hardest and who should do what housework.

The world’s remedies to this battle of the sexes are feminism and pornography. Each gender convinces itself that it doesn’t need the other. Women stomp off to find their self-worth in a career and perhaps a house full of cats (maybe even a ministry or friendships). Men hole up in dark rooms and believe the lie that their need is merely physical. We can’t just tell women to have more sex. We can’t tell men they are pathetic for wanting it. God created both sexes to need and want each other—not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well.

Hide Me!

After the fall, Adam and Eve sewed fig leaves together to cover their nakedness. Their knee-jerk reaction to the feeling of shame was to hide their sexuality, but why? The same reason couples do this today. They no longer trusted each other. Their shame left them feeling exposed before God and each other. They tried to cover their sin by covering their bodies. This is the bad news. Because of our sin we will do irreparable damage to each other’s souls in marriage. With the increase of sin comes the increase in fear to be vulnerable with each other—usually the wife with her body, the husband with his heart. Shame and fear lead to the desire to self-protect.

¹ http://www.challies.com/articles/the-gospel-centered-everything

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