He puts away filthy language and rejects bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander, and malice. He is kind to others, tenderhearted, and forgiving, just as God in Christ forgave him. True masculinity begins with aggressively fighting our own self-love, covetousness, pride, and boasting. It looks like abandoning speech that defames, denigrates, or demeans others and instead uses words to edify and encourage. If we want to be true men of God, we must abide in Christ. Transformation starts in the heart. 

Conviction: A Brick to the Face

I was hit in the face with a brick of conviction while reading J.C. Ryle’s Holiness. Why? I was failing. Failing to be the man God had called me to be. Failing to be the husband God had called me to be. Failing to be the father God had called me to be. I was falling short of growing up in Christ. And part of the problem lay in the counter-cultural model of masculinity I had latched onto.

Bear with me as we begin with the full quote that convicted me. It’s long, but it’s worth its weight in gold:

“Genuine sanctification, in the last place, will show itself in habitual attention to the passive graces of Christianity. When I speak of passive graces, I mean those graces which are especially shown in submission to the will of God, and in bearing and forbearing towards one another. Few people, perhaps, unless they have examined the point, have an idea how much is said about these graces in the New Testament, and how important a place they seem to fill. This is the special point which St. Peter dwells upon in commending our Lord Jesus Christ’s example to our notice: ‘Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that we should follow His steps: Who did no sin, neither was guile found in His mouth: Who, when He was reviled, reviled not again; when He suffered, He threatened not; but committed Himself to Him that judgeth righteously.’ (1 Peter 2:21–23.)—This is the one piece of profession which the Lord’s prayer requires us to make: ‘Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us;’ and the one point that is commented upon at the end of the prayer.—This is the point which occupies one third of the list of the fruits of the Spirit, supplied by St. Paul. Nine are named, and three of these, ‘longsuffering, gentleness, and meekness,’ are unquestionably passive graces. (Gal. 5:22, 23.) I must plainly say that I do not think this subject is sufficiently considered by Christians. The passive graces are no doubt harder to attain than the active ones, but they are precisely the graces which have the greatest influence on the world. Of one thing I feel very sure,—it is nonsense to pretend to sanctification unless we follow after the meekness, gentleness, long-suffering, and forgivingness of which the Bible makes so much. People who are habitually giving way to peevish and cross tempers in daily life, and are constantly sharp with their tongues, and disagreeable to all around them,—spiteful people, vindictive people, revengeful people, malicious people,—of whom, alas, the world is only too full!—all such know little, as they should know, about sanctification.

Such are the visible marks of a sanctified man. I do not say that they are all to be seen equally in all God’s people. I freely admit that in the best they are not fully and perfectly exhibited. But I do say confidently, that the things of which I have been speaking are the Scriptural marks of sanctification, and that they who know nothing of them may well doubt whether they have any grace at all. Whatever others may please to say, I will never shrink from saying that genuine sanctification is a thing that can be seen, and that the marks I have endeavoured to sketch out are more or less the marks of a sanctified man.” — J. C. Ryle, Holiness: Its Nature, Hindrances, Difficulties and Roots (London: William Hunt and Company, 1889), 42–43.

What Are the Marks of True Sanctification?

These marks of a sanctified man: meekness, gentleness, long-suffering, and forgivingness – did not mark my life. This was especially true in how I treated my wife and children. They are, sadly, still too elusive to my sinful heart. In my zeal to push back against the modern cultural rejection of masculinity, I embraced something just as dangerous. My model of manhood had become a distortion. Like one of those carnival mirrors that distorts your image. I thought I looked like strong and broad chested man of God. The image was a gross distortion of reality.

I thought I was standing firm. I wasn’t. I was wielding headship like a club. I treated my wife, Olivia, as if she were beneath me. I didn’t give her the honor God commands in 1 Peter 3:7. It got so bad that even at the Lord’s Supper, I thought my “federal headship” meant that I should hand her the bread and wine myself. As if Olivia needed me to stand between her and Christ. Jesus was her only mediator. Olivia was and is a blood-bought daughter of the kingdom. She had every right to the sacrament without going through me. She is a fellow heir of the grace of life. She is not a subject in my little fiefdom. I was not her elder. I was not her judge. I was supposed to love, cherish, and protect her. Yet, I was lording my authority over Olivia.

Failing to Live What I Believed

I desired to push back against the weak and idiotic father figures of sitcoms. I rejected their spinelessness, and instead became a harsh disciplinarian.

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