Abusers, as our reader points out, rarely work their evil spells of abuse in public. At least not so as the uninformed would notice. They put on the fine, pious, “christian” facade in front of an audience and save their raging / viciousness / silent treatment for later at home or in the car. They sound trumpets when they put a check in the offering, showing everyone how marvelously generous they are, but at home refuse to give their wife access to adequate grocery money or punish her whenever she spends any amount at all. Abuse is a secret sin, you see. It is a dark evil performed in a corner. Two or three witnesses? Yeah, right.
Recently one of our readers very wisely pointed out the following to us:
One thing that abusers in the church are very good at is using their interpretation of Matthew 18 to continue their abuse. Many of them never do anything in front of two or three witnesses. They know that if we (their victims) say anything, they would accuse us of slander and gossip. Abusers are rarely stupid enough to leave two or three witnesses. They always know what to say and who to say it to.
It is all quite true, and no doubt many of you have seen this tactic used against you. In fact, when an abuse victim reports the abuse and the two or three are not to be found, it is the victim who ends up charged. “You are gossiping/slandering/maligning. You should not be saying any of these things if you cannot prove them with witnesses.” And, as our reader pointed out, there are almost never ever witnesses in the flesh other than the victim. Thus the wicked one skates.
Matthew 18 is not the only Scripture addressing church discipline. It has often been misunderstood and misused to give injustice to victims (see ‘related posts’ below). And Matthew 18 is not generally the most appropriate Scripture to be applied in the case of abuse. A much better Scripture to go to is 1 Corinthians 5.
It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that is not tolerated even among pagans, for a man has his father’s wife. And you are arrogant! Ought you not rather to mourn? Let him who has done this be removed from among you. For though absent in body, I am present in spirit; and as if present, I have already pronounced judgment on the one who did such a thing. When you are assembled in the name of the Lord Jesus and my spirit is present, with the power of our Lord Jesus, you are to deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord.
… I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler — not even to eat with such a one. (1 Corinthians 5:1-5, 11 ESV)
Abusers, as our reader points out, rarely work their evil spells of abuse in public. At least not so as the uninformed would notice. They put on the fine, pious, “christian” facade in front of an audience and save their raging / viciousness / silent treatment for later at home or in the car. They sound trumpets when they put a check in the offering, showing everyone how marvellously generous they are, but at home refuse to give their wife access to adequate grocery money or punish her whenever she spends any amount at all. Abuse is a secret sin, you see. It is a dark evil performed in a corner. Two or three witnesses? Yeah, right.
Church leaders, church members, and others who have been allied to the abuser, heap abuse upon abuse when they deny the victim justice by citing Matthew 18, as if it were the only passage in the Bible that speaks to church discipline. And abusers love it so. “You don’t know that. You can’t prove that. So you need to just stop saying such things.”
Let’s think this through. If this two or three business were applied in the realm of the criminal justice system, how many criminals would never be prosecuted? Legal codes, you see, allow for other kinds of witnesses than eye-witnesses. We allow all kinds of forensic evidence into trials. Fingerprints. Printed documents. Emails. Firearm ballistics. DNA analysis. We even permit certain kinds of “circumstantial” evidence. All of these things are witnesses, and they are admissible in a criminal court.
And that’s just talking about crimes: things prohibited by the criminal code. Hundreds of tactics used by domestic abusers do not come under the criminal code. Emotional abuse. Verbal abuse. Gaslighting and mind games. Financial abuse. The whole pattern of coercive control:the abuser’s micro-managment of the victim’s conduct and how the abuser seeks out and tries to destroy the victim’s small ‘safety zones’ — the places where her confidence and competence is affirmed, the places where she can occasionally sip a few drops of happiness or peace.*
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