As Christians, our mission is to love God and love each other. This is the greatest commandment. The purpose of all of our activities whether it be dating, courtship, arranged marriage or washing the dishes should be to love God. Binding each other with man-made rules is not love. Taking advantage of each other is not love. Manipulating each other is not love. Love is patient and kind. Love is not boastful, proud or rude.
In the last week, my post Why Courtship Is Fundamentally Flawedreceived over half a million readers and over 100,000 comments, likes, and shares on Facebook. It has sparked a robust discussion in the comments section with over 1000 lengthy responses.
So, I would like to respond to some of the most frequent questions and concerns. The following are synthesized versions of common comments, questions and objections.
If you have not yet done so, I recommend you read Why Courtship Is Flawed first. It is the more important post.
“Are you saying parents should be uninvolved in the process like they are in modern dating?”
No. No. No.
I think many of the people who are asking this merely skimmed the article instead of actually reading it.
I am arguing for a different kind of parental involvement: that of a trusted adviser rather than a dictator. I am trying to show that parental control over adult children can do more harm than good. The kind of parent who feels “no control” is “no involvement” may have control issues. If the comments are any gauge, most young people long for relationship advice from their parents.
Parents play a vital role in traditional dating. They meet the dates and give their son or daughter advice on what they like and don’t like about each one. This way they help their children learn to make their own good decisions.
Then both young people (if they are still minors) get permission from their own parents before they start “going steady.” During the going steady phase the parents are giving advice and encouragement. If they are both adults, this permission step is often skipped although advise is still sought.
Then finally the guy gets permission/blessing from the girl’s father before they transition from going steady to engagement. This step typically happens despite their age. So a 34 year old man would still ask permission/blessing before popping the question to a 34 year old woman. During the engagement phase, the couple is still getting parental guidance. The culmination of this is the rehearsal dinner where the parents typically give short speeches of relationship advice and encouragement.
“You are encouraging children to rebel against their parents. You should have a millstone tied around your neck and should be cast into the sea.”
This may be the first time I have had Christians cuss me out and wish for my death. This is the inevitable outcome of this sort of conversation. I expected it. The good news is more people are praying for my salvation now than ever before. I appreciate the prayer however it is intended.
My audience for these posts is single adults (18+). According to Google Analytics, the majority of readers of the original post are over the age of 18. I am far more concerned about the 25-year-old stay at home daughter who has never gone out on a date than I am about the 16-year-old guy who believes dating is evil.
It makes sense to me that the younger a child is, the more control the parents extend over his or her life. My Podcast Co-host and bestselling author James L Rubart has a three step process he went through with his sons of Dictator, Coach, Friend. As his sons matured, the nature of his relationship with them changed. By the time they were 18 they had transitioned into the “friend stage” with him. This sounds very healthy to me.