I hope this story helps people recognize the problems inherent in these approaches to ministry. The danger posed by Mr. Smiley (and teachers like him) is not his exuberant positive attitude, but rather his mishandling of God’s Word. He represents methods which misapply Scripture to affirm and empower people in their pursuit of worldly lusts. Like so many contemporary resources, his Bible study material (Orange-Aid) fails to utilize basic hermeneutical principles and lacks sound theology. His approach to small group ministry fails to address the real needs of struggling Christians seeking/needing sanctification (See Ms. Distressed). I pray this pilgrimage helps readers consider and evaluate the theology and methodologies utilized in their churches. Grab your sword, you’ll need it—the journey gets more perilous.

Christian awoke and knew he had been translated to a different place. He recently passed through the Enchanted Ground on his journey to the Celestial City. Now he found himself sitting on a bench in front of a large, paved lane. Fast moving carriages roared past him making honking noises. He thought it strange that no horses pulled them. The pilgrim slowly arose, staring these strange chariots. A yellow one slowed down, and a man inside said, “Hey buddy, do you need a ride?” Christian replied, “Yea.” He stopped and opened a hatch on the side of the carriage. The burly man said, “Hop in.”

Christian tentatively entered and asked, “What is this place?” Recognizing him as a foreigner, the driver responded, “You’re in America-land. Will this be cash or charge?”  Confused, the pilgrim raised an eye-brow.

Driver: How are you going to pay?

Christian: Will this suffice? (Handing him 5 golden shillings).

Driver: Sure! These are cool, where do you want to go?

Christian: I need to remain on the strait and narrow path. Do you know where I may find it?

Driver: Well, it’s Sunday, so I could take you to a sports bar to catch a game. When I visit a new place, I like to check out the local pubs.

Christian: It’s the Lord’s Day? Then take me to a church!

Driver: Giving Christian an odd look he replied, “You got it.”

Traversing the large city, the driver pointed out many church buildings. Christian was astounded by all the varieties of churches the driver showed him. He saw many names on church signs he didn’t recognize. Christian was astounded by such freedom to worship without government intervention. Pulling up to a massive building, the driver shot him a look of satisfaction.

Driver: My sister goes to this church—and it’s one of the biggest in the city! You should check it out.

Getting out of the taxi, Christian thanked the driver and gazed at the edifice before him. It was a massive building made up of various geometric shapes. A bright multi-colored sign read, “The Quest.” Hundreds of people streamed through the doors in the front. Christian joined them, noticing immediately most of them were not dressed like him. Not knowing what to expect, but being a seasoned Pilgrim, he gripped his sword and joined the crowd.

The inside was dazzling. He was immediately met by a young maiden who introduced herself as Mrs. Chipper. Gliding toward Christian she spoke with bubbly giddiness.

Mrs. Chipper: Welcome to The Quest! Can I help you find your place?

Christian: I’m here to worship the Lord with His people and learn from His Word. I’m on my way to the Celestial City and am always looking for companions who fear the Lord (Psalm 119:63).

Mrs. Chipper: Well you’re here just in time for our Super-Relevant Small Group Sharing Time. Follow me! Would you like a latte, mocha, espresso, or frappe-happy drink?

Christian: Thank you, but I have food to eat that you don’t know about (John 4:32).

The young lady led him through numerous winding corridors and past rooms containing odd things to Christian’s eyes (ping-pong tables, gym equipment, basketball courts, mini-golf courses, etc.). They finally arrived at a small room containing about 20 people sitting in a circle. Most engaged in what appeared to be joyful conversations.

Mrs. Chipper: This is Mr. Smiley, the Conversation Initiator.

Flashing a wide grin, the man (Mr. Smiley) pointed me to an empty chair and said with elation, “Join the conversation!” The people around Christian talked of all manner of things including the weather, sports, games, food, making money, and warranty plans you can buy for your carriage. Christian was befuddled because they did not speak the Language of Zion he had heard in his conversations at The Palace Beautiful.¹ This made him long for that place where he might again converse with the likes of Piety, Prudence, Discretion, and Charity. He was roused from his contemplations by a man tapping his shoulder.

Mr. Me-Centered: Hey, would you like to go to the Cosplayer Creative Class? Since you’re wearing that strange armor, you would probably fit in with the role-players and drama team. My wife loves it!

Christian: Well, this is where the young lady led me—I’ll take it as God’s providence I should be here.

Mr. Me-Centered: What is God’s providence?

Christian: It’s the doctrine that God rules over all things directing them to fulfill His will.

Pulling out his scroll, Christian pointed the man to Matthew 10:29, “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father” (ESV). Christian continued to explain how God, “Covers the heavens with clouds; he prepares rain for the earth; he makes grass grow on the hills” (Psalm 147:8, ESV).

Christian: You see good sir, The Lord rules over the death of sparrows and He causes the grass to grow. Or as goodman Calvin explains: The Lord, “governs the vast machinery of the whole world.” Therefore, I trust Him to direct me where He purposes.

Mr. Me-Centered: That’s too deep for me, and what is that scroll you carry with you? We use the Orange-Aid materials here. Orange-Aid is tasty, and that old scroll seems bitter.

Just then, Mr. Smily spoke up addressing the group.

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