Suffering is a time during which we experience the weight of the curse in heavier-than-usual ways. As people are pulled and pressed under previously unexperienced pains, people often say and do things spiritually uncharacteristic of how you’ve known them. And as much as we’d like the Spirit to ooze out of suffering’s squeeze, sometime it just doesn’t. Instead, the flesh shows its ugly head. Both physical and spiritual pain can wreak more havoc on the brain and behavior than we might like to think. This is not to excuse sin, but remind us that we need to give sufferers some spiritual breathing room. They are suffering.
One of my mentors used to wisely say, “We are either in a trial, about to enter a trial, or coming out of a trial.” Such is life under the weight of the Curse.
Since God’s people are called to be skilled relationally, this means that relating to people in suffering is going to comprise much of our relationships.
Here are a few reminders for Christians as we minister to others in their suffering:
- We’re all called to skillfully minister to those in trials.
In many churches, the pastors are viewed as the ministry-putter-on’ers. Church leadership are expected to do all of the ministry while the other 95% of Christians watch. But Scripture commands the contrary: pastors are to equip Christians in local churches to do the ministry (Eph. 4:11-12).
God’s design for normal Christianity is that every member of local churches would be equipped and eager to skillfully pour out their gifts, skills, and resources for the needs among them.Those suffering around us provide great opportunities for our ministry as the physical and spiritual needs can be significant. We can, for example, “love one another with brotherly affection,” “contribute to the needs of the needs of the saints,” and “weep with those who weep” (Rom. 12:10, 13, 15). Depending on the severity of the suffering, individuals often need help with things like daily chores, shopping, food preparation, kids, finances, spiritual care, visitation, to name a few. One pastor cannot possibly meet these needs for all those suffering in a church at given time. Nor should he since he is not the body, but merely one member.
- Be wise with words.
Since we are called to relational skill, then we are called to skill in speaking. Suffering is a time in which that is especially important. Scripture is packed with help here: “The tongue of the wise makes knowledge acceptable, but the mouth of fools spouts folly” (Prov 15:2), “Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances” (Prov 25:11), and “We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone” (1 Thess. 5:14).
3. Avoid saying, “I understand…,” unless you really do.
Most of us have probably said careless things to those in a trial. Sometimes we just don’t know what to do or say because of the difficult to identify. Well-meaning individuals often will attempt to comfort the individual by saying something along the lines of, “I understand how this is…”
But we should be slow to say such things. Often we do not understand. We may have experienced a similar struggle, loss, pain, or persecution, but often our circumstances were not identical to theirs. For example, we may have experienced pain, but not in the way the individual is. Or, we may have experienced a miscarriage, and while that is a loss of a child, it is different than the loss of an 8-year old.
So, in an attempt to identify with the individual (which is good), it may be better to say something like, “I understand that pain/sickness is so difficult.” Where we can, we should identify in a sympathetic manner. But, if we cannot, we should not attempt to do so. And it’s OK because we are not called to be others’ great high priest. They have a far better One (Heb. 4:14-16).
4. Beware of minimizing others’ trials.
Most people are not out intentionally to minimize another’s suffering. But the individual may be in a moment where we see that their response to the suffering seems greater than the actual suffering. Perhaps they are viewing their trials as if the end of the world would be a bad thing (assuming they are regenerate). It’s possible for God’s people to, in our less noble moments, unintentionally view our trials through the eyes of untruth.
So, we may see their suffering and think, “You know, I don’t think it’s really that bad.” And we may be right. In view of the horrors of eternity in hell, and the glories of eternity in heaven, no trial is that bad for the regenerate.
However, God commands us to speak in a way that fits the need of the moment so that the hearer is imparted grace (Eph. 4:29). Doing so involves more than saying to people, “It’s not that bad.” Further, “It is not that bad” is a myopic view of things as it pertains to understanding suffering, the present groaning of this world, and a biblical/true worldview.