When Your Husband Is Addicted to Porn

When you’re tempted to feel all hope is lost, here are a few things to remember

“Most wives keep this burden a secret, assuming it’s only their husband who is struggling. No one else is in the same boat. Yet thoughts like these only compound the shame and the suffering. Sadly, the problem is extremely common.”

 

On a whim, I invited a new friend over for lunch. As we watched our toddlers run around the yard we chatted about typical mom things—discipline, toddler tantrums, sleeping rhythms, and more. I recalled she had previously asked for prayer about post-partum depression. As I helped pack up her stuff, I asked her how she was doing.

“It’s been tough,” she said. “Did you ever struggle?” Knowing she was looking for support, I recalled my rocky adjustment to our first baby and the lingering blues that followed. After a minute she confessed, “Really, it’s our marriage.”

I asked one probing question and my friend burst into tears. “It’s porn.” With that revelation, her pain and emotions overflowed. My heart ached for her. Sadly, this is a conversation I’ve had on more than one occasion.

As a pastor’s wife, I’m well aware of the ravaging effects of pornography in marriage. While I’m grateful this isn’t my own experience, I’ve sat with multiple women as they share the devastating effects of porn. Although each situation is different, there are many similarities between the stories.

While I know both men and women struggle with pornography, I want to offer a few words of encouragement for my sisters whose hearts are heavy because of their husband’s actions. I know there are no easy answers, but I encourage you to not despair. The God of the universe cares for you and your heartache.

When you’re tempted to feel all hope is lost, here are a few things to remember, as well as some practical steps in moving forward.

1. You are not alone.

Most wives keep this burden a secret, assuming it’s only their husband who is struggling. No one else is in the same boat. Yet thoughts like these only compound the shame and the suffering.

Sadly, the problem is extremely common. It’s likely other women you know are in your same shoes, longing for a friend to talk with. Sister, while you may feel alone, you are not alone.

2. This is not about you.

When pornography is discovered within marriage, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed with shame and self-doubt. Why would he turn to airbrushed perfection if there wasn’t something wrong with me? 

Hear me, sisters. This is not about losing weight, or being prettier, or retaining the figure you had before you became a mother. This is a spiritual battle, with the flaming darts of digital perfection being hurled before your husband’s eyes.

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